My name's.. Well I don't really want to say that on here.. I'll just get it over with.

I'm sixteen, nearly seventeen, and I'm facing an extremely harsh onslaught of depression.

My parents are divorced- rather my step-father and mother are divorced, my real father lives in New Jersey and I've only met him once.

My head has been buzzing the last few days. I feel like.. I wake up heavy. I feel worn out, old, and I'm only sixteen. I legitimately would like to see, just one person, just one, care.

I feel beyond pathetic writing this. I mean hell it's the Internet isn't it? Not the best place to share this stuff.

My school counseler doesn't do crap. She's basically as good as the type that goes, "And how does that make you feel?.."

"Depressed, you pathetic excuse for a psychiatrist."

The above statement isn't actually something I've said to her. I'm too conscious of my actions for that.

I'm debating suicide. I'm not calling a hotline, I don't have a phone. I'm not poor but I'm not well off either. I have decent grades. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years after learning she's been flirting with guys heavily. The one girl I actually find myself caring about is basically a social recluse and considers me a brother despite being her first male friend.

I'm not ugly, I'm actually pretty handsome, and that's not vanity speaking, just self-awareness.

I need help.

I need someone to talk to.

Even if it's just on skype, I've no-one in reality. I legitimately considered suicide tonight.

That's the only reason I'm posting this..

Please help..

Suicide is never the answer. My best friend who was 18 committed suicide last year over depression. You hurt more people then you could imagine. You need to go to a doctor or you can talk to a therapist.

I don't have the means to do either. To be blunt, I'm at a point where I couldn't care less about hurting others with my death. Yes I'm feeling selfish, but I want an out.

Talk. I'm here and listening.

I feel alone. Cliché and all I know, I've a mother and a father so in that sense I'm not alone, but where it counts?. I'm no longer asked how my day went. I've walked by them pale, in a cold sweat from anxiety over my future, wandered upstairs and simply laid down until I fell asleep, and I don't get even the slightest of glances.

My chest feels tight from the emotional rampage going on in me. Looking at it it doesn't even seem like a real thing it's so intense.

I'm sort of losing my mind. Or feeling like I do. Genuine insanity does run in my family and it's usually caused by intense distress.

I'm scared, feeling alone, depressed to the point of exhaustion, and have no clue what to do.

Is there a teacher you like and trust who would listen and help?

Only one but I've no desire to make her a part of that side of my life.

So then what if you refuse to get help that's right in front of you?

How about if I post the suicide/depression hotline number. Would you find a phone and call it and talk with someone?

We can do only so much via the Internet and with writing back and forth here. Of course, if I could and if I knew where you live and you asked me to, I would drive over to your house and sit down with you twice a week until we got this figured out*. But I can't do that.

*I'm a renegade (professional) counselor.

So when you were 14 you had a girl friend that flirted with others, I am sorry but at 14 dating is just a leaning and yes at that point in your life and even now, you are learning about dating and relationships, some work, many don't, you date, you break up but you don't stop trying because the future ones may or may not last.

And the issue with your mom and step dad is theirs, it comes from choices both made, and they shared that time together.

You appear to want to feel sorry for yourself and not willing to talk about this in real life to real people.

A school counselor is not always a expert for depression, they are a start and they help you find professional help. You have a school teacher to talk with, but don't want to.
You don't want to call a 800 hot line where there are people, many who give of their own time to help others, but don't want to get the help.

So what do you want ?

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Originally Posted by InkWeaver

"Depressed, you pathetic excuse for a psychiatrist."

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Actually, if you were my client, that is EXACTLY what I would want you to say to me. That would push me out of my comfort zone and make me reassess where you are coming from and what you need.

And I'm wondering why you don't have access to a phone.

"So what do you want ?"

To be happy. I'm not dumb enough to actually commit suicide but it's not stopping the thoughts from entering my head. Yeah I know the relationship was idiotic at best, but believe me, sitting down and caring for someone that long, especially at my age, and not getting an ounce back..

Yeah I don't know why I didn't just leave. We weren't sexual. We barely hung out.

I know for a fact I could've gotten another equally attractive, probably more interesting girl.

But I didn't want someone else. It was only when she spent the night at some other guy's place that I finally quit it.

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Wondergirl, the reason I don't have a phone is because my grades dropped so low that my parents basically cut me off every piece of technology I own. Since then I've brought them back up, but my mom's got trust issues, therefore no phone for me.

I don't honestly know why I'm feeling this way. My brain's telling me it's because there's so much **** going on that any sane person would be broken up over it, but I don't know.

I've come to terms with a lot of things lately. How selfish people are. How one word can easily mean another when spoken in the right context.

Just.. even normal talking. Small talk. Making conversation at it's most basic level is becoming more and more complex for me due to the storm going on in my head.

Maybe Fr.'s right and I just want to feel sorry for myself.

A part of me genuinely believes I've a right to be.

I'm underaged so I can't change the environment around me. My mom's not open to discussions, my step-dad barely hits me up anymore because of his new fiancé.

My sister's just too young to turn to.

I don't really know anymore.

You do know what a terrific writer you are, don't you? (as reflected in your screen name?)

Tell me about you and writing.

And I thought for sure you'd ask me what kind of counseling I do that I am a renegade. Oh, well.

I actually was a bit curious but I tend to try and mind my own business about other people's lives. It almost seems as though you wanted to be asked about it, though, so I'll ask.

What kind of counceling does a renegade do?

As for my writing, I'm surprised you managed to land on my biggest hobby.

Writing was something I got into by accident, funnily enough. When I was thirteen or twelve I stumbled onto a free-form role-playing website, the non-sexual kind of course. I found it fascinating that people could adopt so many different characters and just abandon reality for awhile.

So that's what I started to do.

At first my literary skills were subpar at best. But over time I began taking classes in school that focused more on prose fiction and non-fiction. To this date my favorite sentence was written by a man named E. G. White. I believe it was something along the lines of "It was then I felt the chill of death in my loins".

Apparently he meant he realized he was growing older and wouldn't be able to have anymore children.

Why are you asking about my writing anyhow?

Also thank you for the compliment. That was a kind gesture.

Did you name yourself Wondergirl because you enjoy the idea of helping people?

You have not because you ask not. Believing you shall receive. From the Bible. Ask God to release the heaviness and to renew your mind. Try to see what is positive in your life. We are not alone on the Earth even though we all have felt it at one time or another. When I get down, I talk to Jesus like I am writing to you, and he does answer. Death is not the end But an eternal beginning. Dark times will come and go, just as good times will , It is always darkest before the dawn. So hang in there, and eventually the only way things can go is up.

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Originally Posted by InkWeaver

I actually was a bit curious but I tend to try and mind my own business about other people's lives.

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Ah, and there's the rub!

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It almost seems as though you wanted to be asked about it, though, so I'll ask.

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I was tryring to be provocative, so glad you picked up on that.

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What kind of counseling does a renegade do?

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Everything a counselor is not supposed to do. Example: We were told in grad school to find office space so the client would come in all smelling nice and dressed in his best and with his good manners in sight. I met clients in fast-food restaurants (preferably Arby's) an hour before closing (after the crowds had left and the place was quiet) and sat with them in booths in a far back corner and we'd eat curly fries and cheese and drink Jamocha shakes while wearing sweats and sneakers. My colleagues were aghast. My clients were thrilled, relaxed, and very forthcoming.

I also did tons of home visits and learned far more about my clients and their lives than I ever would have had they come in to an office.

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As for my writing, I'm surprised you managed to land on my biggest hobby.

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I'm a career (30 years) librarian and a published writer. I know good writing when I see it.

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Writing was something I got into by accident, funnily enough. When I was thirteen or twelve I stumbled onto a free-form role-playing website, the non-sexual kind of course. I found it fascinating that people could adopt so many different characters and just abandon reality for awhile.

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D&D? AD&D? World of Warcraft? Runescape?

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my favorite sentence was written by a man named E. G. White. I believe it was something along the lines of "It was then I felt the chill of death in my loins".

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"When the others went swimming my son said he was going in, too. He pulled his dripping trunks from the line where they had hung all through the shower and wrung them out. Languidly, and with no thought of going in, I watched him, his hard little body, skinny and bare, saw him wince slightly as he pulled up around his vitals the small, soggy, icy garment. As he buckled the swollen belt, suddenly my groin felt the chill of death." ~From E.B.White's essay, "Once More To The Lake"

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Why are you asking about my writing anyhow?

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That might be your salvation. It was mine.

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Originally Posted by InkWeaver

Also thank you for the compliment. That was a kind gesture.

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I wasn't being kind. I was being truthful.

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Originally Posted by InkWeaver

Did you name yourself Wondergirl because you enjoy the idea of helping people?

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Since I was born, I have wondered about things. That led me into teaching and then into library work and then into counseling. I am always fascinated by people and how they live their lives and the questions they ask and the choices they make.

"D&D? AD&D? World of Warcraft? Runescape? "

Answer: Mizahar. It's a post-by-post forum.

What do you mean it was your salvation?