I have a 20 year old son. He has lived on his own for 1 year now. He has a good job that he has had for 2 years now and pays all of his own bills etc except his car insurance. For the most part we don't have a lot of trouble with him except that he is not motivated to go to college right now and he has several speeding tickets that we have had to deal with. However, since he has moved into his own apartment he thinks it is perfectly OK for him to have and consume alcohol. We have caught this two different times and explained why he shouldn't have alcohol or consume it for that matter. Of course he has a thousand excuses on why its OK including that its none of or business. Well the first two times I was there I poured it down the sink. Now we are on the third time that I recently found alcohol again in his apartment. Again I explained why he could not have alcohol and why it's a bad idea. I left that day without pouring it out, however the next morning after staying up all night worried I went to his apartment and took the alcohol from him. Again he had a thousands reasons and said he was responsible etc etc. Now he will not speak to us. He ignores all of my phone calls and text and blocked me from his social network. What do I do now and what should I have done instead if anything.

Why is the alcohol a problem? He's under age? He drinks to excess?

Why do YOU have to deal with his speeding tickets?

I'd stop attempting to control him, walk away, let him pay his own car insurance, deal with his own speeding tickets, be an adult living in his own apartment.

If he fails, he fails - I wouldn't close the door to him but I would tell him you are finished policing him and he's on his own.

I think the time to address alcohol was many years ago.

If he's drinking and driving, notify the Police - but it's been my experience that they will do nothing.

I HOPE he's not drinking and driving on YOUR insurance policy. If so and he's in an accident YOU will be sued - and you undoubtedly have more assets than he has; therefore, you have a lot more to lose.

You should have minded your own business in "HIS" home. You can tell him you don't like it, if you wish, but don't expect to be invited back to HIS home.

You could pay him back for the value of the items in HIS home that you destroyed.

Sorry he does not have to go to college, some people with the right jobs make more money than college grads, esp right now. And guess what, in his own home he can drink, perhaps not legally if he is under age, but he can if he wants in HIS home.

You have to back off and understand he is not under your rules in HIS home.

You also stop paying his bills and make him understand he has to pay his own.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Why is the alcohol a problem? He's under age? He drinks to excess?

Why do YOU have to deal with his speeding tickets?

I'd stop attempting to control him, walk away, let him pay his own car insurance, deal with his own speeding tickets, be an adult living in his own apartment.

If he fails, he fails - I wouldn't close the door to him but I would tell him you are finished policing him and he's on his own.

I think the time to address alcohol was many years ago.

If he's drinking and driving, notify the Police - but it's been my experience that they will do nothing.

I HOPE he's not drinking and driving on YOUR insurance policy. If so and he's in an accident YOU will be sued - and you undoubtedly have more assets than he has; therefore, you have a lot more to lose.

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No as far as I know he does not drink in excess or drink and drive. That's what he tells me anyway and he has never been caught doing so. He is under age and has other under age people that come to his apartment. His car is in our name so we carry the insurance so it will not be so expensive for him. As for the tickets he has a total of four for speeding and I helped him get an attorney to take care of them.

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Originally Posted by Lynn2012

No as far as I know he does not drink in excess or drink and drive. That's what he tells me anyway and he has never been caught doing so. He is under age and has other under age people that come to his apartment. His car is in our name so we carry the insurance so it will not be so expensive for him. As for the tickets he has a total of four for speeding and I helped him get an attorney to take care of them.

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It's time to stop paying for insurance and tickets and lawyers. He is in his own place now and is an adult. By paying for any of his upkeep, you enable him and make him think you are there to bail him out all the time.

It's time he is responsible for his own mistakes, and that includes with alcohol use.

There's been a big crackdown in my area over underage drinking and parties. The people at your son's parties have to drive home, and police don't want them ending up in accidents and killing someone.

A serious issue, if the car is in your name and he is not listed as the primary driver and they find out the car is parked at his house and he is the main driver, they may try to deny any claim he has or at least reduce payments according to issues of not paying proper price for insurance. Is he at least listed as a driver on the car ?

He does run the risk of legal problems if either he or one of his underage friends gets caught, not to mention the seriousness of a DUI or vehicular manslaughter. Certainly no one, especially many people of that age, thinks it will happen to them. He may not drive after drinking, but chances are a friend might when they leave his home... and that can still get him into trouble. He may not realize that.

Helping him get an attorney for the tickets is fine, but he should be paying you back if you paid any fines or fees.

You are in a difficult situation. Wanting to help him out in some ways, but you have little or no say so in others. I know you don't like the idea of his drinking at 20, but all you can do is voice your opinion, remind him to be smart about what he does, and hope that he is.

I can understand wanting to help him with some costs, but better to change the insurance into his name and put money towards it for him if you felt the need to continue.

You might drop off a note at his home sharing your concerns, and apologizing for overstepping the line in his home. Acknowledge that you realize that he is now making his own decisions and that, while you may not always agree, you trust the he will be smart about his decisions. Let him know that you love him and that that is where the concern comes from.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

A serious issue, if the car is in your name and he is not listed as the primary driver and they find out the car is parked at his house and he is the main driver, they may try to deny any claim he has or at least reduce payments according to issues of not paying proper price for insurance. Is he at least listed as a driver on the car ?

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Yes he is

You are putting your assets in danger. I also agree with what FrChuck said originally - if he's paying the rent it's HIS place. Stay away. As far as him telling you he doesn't drink and drive... he also doesn't appear to be telling you that he drinks, period.

I'm an investigator. He has ONE party in "his" apartment and ONE underage person is arrested, one female makes a complaint, you will be sued AND he will be sued because EVERYONE gets sued. It's called a shotgun theory - fire at enough people, you hit someone.

You are being legally foolish. As far as anything else, as I said - the time to discuss alcohol was many years ago. It's too late now.

Of course, if he's in an accident and he's intoxicated you can explain how things work while he's in jail.

I don't mean to sound harsh... but what are you thinking?