Ask Me Help Desk - In a relationship with this guy for the past 8 years.

I have been in a relationship with this guy for the past 8 years... about four months ago he got accepted into the best institutions to pursue his post graduation. Though he had promised to talk to my parents about our marriage before he left he didn't. He told me that he had spoken to his parents about me and though they were not in favor of our relationship (as we are of different religions ) he promised to marry me and that he would come and see my father before my dad left the country.

Anyhow he kept shifting the date and if I asked him why he keeps lying about when he's coming he told me he was really busy out there and that he did not want me to feel bad. As soon as he reached there he had told me about this girl who was helping him who in his words is so beautiful "she looks like an angel". Apparently she was in love with someone and was in major depression as her relationship with another guy never worked out.. Whenever he called me he used to talk about her and how caring she is toward him..

One day he even went to her house in the middle of the night to console her as she was depressed. At the same time our relationship has been stressed so much because I came to find out that he had been chatting with other junior girls of our college calling them "baby" and telling them that I was a very possessive girlfriend and that our relationship was on the verge of a break up. He even told a girl that she is so attractive and had he not met me he would have seriously considered going out with her. I ignored his persistent calls for about a week when I got to know about this. He apologized and told me that it was a mistake and that he was under a lot of stress and didn't mean any of those things. After that I forgave him.

Lately we have been fighting a lot. He didn't call me for two days because I refused to strip for him on skype. If I ask him what he wants he says he wants me and that he loves me. I have spent 8 years of my life on this relationship, and I was so happy. I told him that I'm done, and that I want to end it but he keeps calling me back and tells me that he loves me. All this has caused myself esteem to hit an all time low. I feel like an old hag now. I have cried and begged to talk to him on some days and there are times he falls asleep, even when he can hear me crying. What should I do. I feel so depressed..?

Do what makes you happy. 8 years is a long time and if you don't want him in your life than get him out. In the end, all we have is memories.

Get hold of yourself and adjust better to the distance thing and stop being so needy, and insecure. I mean what, do you have spies reporting every word he utters to other females? How do you know all of this is happening?

Sorry, but you need a happy healthy life while he is gone because you are reacting way over board. Unless there is something I missed. How old are you, and why have you been so dependent on this fellow to be happy with yourself?

We have been together for nearly eight years now... about four months back my boyfriend left for work and we have been trying to work it long distance... as soon as he joined he told me about this very beautiful girl who was was his senior.. helping him out a lot.. soon they became close as she was going through a tough break up.. and used to confide about these to my boyfriend.. and she even started reading my personal sms which I used to send him.. and told him she was so happy for him as he had me and went to the extent of asking him to forward my messages to her...

Besides this... if my boyfriend told her that I gifted him the watch he wore she would ask him to give it to her or another time he mentioned that he had to buy me a gift she would ask him what he would gift her... he even went out for a movie with her as a gang... though I was a little wary I didn't mind..

Recently when we had a small fight and my boyfriend was visibly a little upset.. she started to console him.. and one night sent him an sms asking if I had returned his calls.. soon she suggested that he buy some food so that they could invite some friends over and basically have fun... that night she told him that whomever he would marry is really lucky and that she really missed her boyfriend as he also used to cook well.. at the end of the evening when it was time for them to leave... she told all of them to send a message when they reached home... when my boyfriend sent her a message that night... she again told him that she really missed her boyfriend.. and that she wanted to go on a bike ride with mine.. by this time it was raining and it was 12am.. my boyfriend refused a bike ride and told that he would go home and talk to her instead... as this girl stays alone with her sister they had no issues and went out that night in her car.. had an ice cream and later went to someplace sat in the car.. and basically told all her sob stories to my boyfriend...

All these my boyfriend told me... at first he told me about it.. when I got upset he denied it... and later again admitted to going out with her... he says that on his part he is being honest with me and that he has no feelings for her... that he's helping her out as she is really depressed and has suicidal tendencies.. though he promised me he wouldn't go out with her again...

Yesterday he told me that she had asked him out to tea and he went with her... I asked my boyfriend if he would like it if I would do the same to him... and he said that he wouldn't like it one bit... he even mentioned that she had mentioned to him not to tell me about what they had been up to as I would kill him!. really!!

Now what should I do... should I let them carry on... or should I at least try to put an end to this.. or should I just dump my boyfriend and move on. I for one do not trust this girl... but my boyfriend thinks so highly of her.. and even suggested that I talk to her on phone if I was having doubts.. im so confused!! Please help

Oh no I would not trust her maybe why boyfriend is good guy how good do you know this I had a similar expirience I post ti a long time ago in Yahoo answers http://ee56e6-hkaoc3w34j4smiscv4l.hop.clickbank.net/

LDRs are tough.
Work relationships are tough.
There's no easy answer. Only you know what the tiny clues are that might add up to going too far. The woman is manipulating him, no doubt, with all her boyfriend woes and being suicidal.
I would tell him that you have a few male friends you are considering going out for a harmless ice cream with! He may change his tune, he may not. Evening the playing field isn't the worst plan to deal with a double standard. You don't say if and when he might be coming back, so you need to face the reality that this relationship has low odds of surviving if it's a very long or indefinite time from now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

LDRs are tough.
Work relationships are tough.
There's no easy answer. Only you know what the tiny clues are that might add up to going too far. The woman is manipulating him, no doubt, with all her boyfriend woes and being suicidal.
I would tell him that you have a few male friends you are considering going out for a harmless ice cream with! He may change his tune, he may not. Evening the playing field isn't the worst plan to deal with a double standard. You don't say if and when he might be coming back, so you need to face the reality that this relationship has low odds of surviving if it's a very long or indefinite time from now.

He will come back only after three years...

Quote:

but my bf thinks so highly of her..and even suggested that i talk to her on phone if i was having doubts.. im so confused!! Please help

First let me thank you for sharing more precise details of your concerns, it does paint a clearer picture.

For now, I think it is an excellent idea to talk to this female friend yourself. Your boyfriend seems to honest for her to be a real threat to you, so reassurance can come from you talking to her yourself. My own experience is that when people are active in knowing the friends, both male or female, of their partners, they become "family" friends, and strengthens the bonds of trust between the partners by having healthy adult relationships with others, and having a social circle that both are familiar, and comfortable with.

If your boyfriend is telling you all this willingly, then he is doing his part, and you must do yours, by being reassured of his honesty and trust him. He has invited you to look deeper for yourself, and get to know this person, so take him up, and befriend her as he has, and share that part of his current life.

At least take a look for yourself, before you judge or worry, or feel threatened, or cheated. Get your own facts of the matter, so you can make an informed choice in this matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

First let me thank you for sharing more precise details of your concerns, it does paint a clearer picture.

For now, I think it is an excellent idea to talk to this female friend yourself. Your boyfriend seems to honest for her to be a real threat to you, so reassurance can come from you talking to her yourself. My own experience is that when people are active in knowing the friends, both male or female, of their partners, they become "family" friends, and strengthens the bonds of trust between the partners by having healthy adult relationships with others, and having a social circle that both are familiar, and comfortable with.

If your boyfriend is telling you all this willingly, then he is doing his part, and you must do yours, by being reassured of his honesty and trust him. He has invited you to look deeper for yourself, and get to know this person, so take him up, and befriend her as he has, and share that part of his current life.

At least take a look for yourself, before you judge or worry, or feel threatened, or cheated. get your own facts of the matter, so you can make an informed choice in this matter.

I know I shuldnt judge this girl without having spoken to her... but which self respecting girl calls a committed guy in de middle of the night for a bike ride... that too within a span of four months.. and I really feel she has an attention deficit disorder... otherwise who keeps going on and on about their suicide attempts... if she really wanted to she would have done the deed by now.. and she even asks him to keep mum about what they have been up to... do you think it would be a good idea if I take a break from this relationship for a little bit..?

Anyway thanks a lot... what you said does make a lot of sense... I don't want to believe my boyfriend could go wrong... we started seeing each other when I was 19... I'm 26 now... I don't have the energy to even think of another guy... I wish I could stop being so insecure... drink some magic potion... and go back to my old confident self... :(

Seek the true facts for yourself, BEFORE you draw conclusions, or make rash decisions. Its easy to run, hide, or deny because of bad feelings weighing you down, but I feel checking her out personally will make you feel better, or see what he deals with, and it gives you a chance to understand what the real deal.

And what will a break accomplish but shake his confidence and trust in YOU? Do the work it takes to grow your relationship.

You have spent 8 years in this relationship, why waste any more time?

He is obviously wanting to have fun and is keeping you as the back up plan. If you accept this, that will be your status forever, you need to put your foot down, grab some self respect for yourself, work on yourself esteem, and move on.

As usual... I have no one else to turn to.. so I write again.. well the thing is that... my boyfriend came home as promised... tthe firsty thing he did was come straight from the airport to see me and visit my ill dad who was at the hospital... which was sweet.. but that night when I called to check if he had reached home... he wouldn't pick up... I kept trying atlast he picked up en rudely hung up on me...

Next day again he visited me... since I knew he used to talk to that girl... he promised to keep all the sms he had sent to her and her to him but when he landed here... he told me that he deleted everythin cause he was sure I would fight with him again... I decided to leave it at that though I was not very happy...

He again went on about how I am the one for him.. and that he would talk to my parents... the day after that he spent the entire day... we were really having a good time making out after a long time... en cuddling.. when he took a nap.. I took his phone and got this page that said history... which shows one or two lines of conversations including those that had been deleted... though he had implied that this girl was the one who was reminded of her ex by him... he had initiated most of the sms 's asking her what she is up to... enquiring if she is sleeping well.. and where she is... is she free... that she looks good.. dat she is very interesting.. one message shows "delete the msg in which i called you baby as i didnt really mean it"... then again in a message dated after that he again calls her baby.. mind you I wasn't able to read the any of de messages fully.. jus de first two lines.. most of these message s were really late into the night... many nights which I had frantically kept calling him.. and some day s he had msged her after complaing of fatigue and hanging up on me... saying he really needed to sleep.and he knew I didn't like him spending time with her even.. then how could he do this?
Let me remind you once I had caught him red handed calling some of our juniors sweet heart and baby while chatting with them... cause I had his Facebook password... and I was so hurt... I told him not to repeat it and though he promised...

When I confronted him... he told me that it was late in the night... with stupid excuses that he thought he was talking to me... really now! Then he apologised when I started crying.. kept hugging me and stuff... said it was his mistake... told me that he just wanted to make her feel better about herself... thats why he kept trying to compliment her.. he told me that though I used to keep calling he never picked up my calls cause I was really irritating him and bugging him these days...

Now I really don't have any experience with guys prior to this...
He is my first everything... and earlier on he never even replied to any girls message... though he liked flirting with girls... even with me around... I never minded cause I was so secure back then.. I felt loved back then.. so I was able to give him space...
Can somebody tell me wats happening here please... is he just so bored with me as we both started our relationship so long back... is it cause I'm not in the scene anymore... or is it cause physically he s more comfortable with me... he still says
That he feels nothing towards her... and that he s helping this girl who is mentally ill.. or is it the beginnings of love now!! can any one tell me some course of action.
He still says he s going to talk to my dad before he leaves... but should I really let him do that..? Shamefully no matter how much he lies I can't just get rid of him all of a sudden...