I really don't want to waste everyone's time so I'll try and keep this concise.

I respect, but deplore my father. I respect him, or I should say I feel obligated to respect him, because he did provide for me for most of my life. I slept in his house, ate his food, and took martial arts lessons on his dime.

But at the same time I deplore him. I can't remember one memory of him that wasn't marked with sadness, freight, or unease. He's very emotionally unstable - he would get pissed off over the smallest things all the time. He didn't beat me, but he did hit me. Looking back I'm confused because it was always over stupid things. For an example, I wanted to stop participating in this certain style of fighting because well, it was really damn hard and I was getting my kicked. When I told him this (really had to sum up the courage), he slapped me in the face and made fun of me for crying. He apologized later that day (as he always did), and let me stop fighting for about a month before he talked me into it again.

That cycle of abuse, apology, and then failure to actually change anything occurred all the time. He would get pissed off over nothing, lash out, apologize for it later that day, and then continue the behavior he apologized for.

It's bad enough that out of my five half-siblings (all products of my parents previous marriages), all five lived with him for some time and all five couldn't stand it and moved away. I was the only one that was never given an option.

I'm twenty one now and I've noticed that I just never feel comfortable going back home, especially when I'm around him. My old speech issues (stutter / stammer) get worse when I'm around him. I've considered that I'm an adult and I can just cut him out of my life now, but I would feel really guilty if I did that. Not only would it tear him apart (which I would feel guilty about), but it would also put the rest of my family into a lot of distress. Even though he's an , I do believe he genuinely cares about me.

I'm not even sure what I want out of all this. But I know I'm unhappy and it's been on my mind a lot since I moved out (it didn't seem quite so odd when I was living with him - I assumed a lot of parents acted this way). I've finally come to terms with the fact that his parenting has somehow affected me.

I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this far. If you have any words that you think might help me make sense of the situation, I would appreciate hearing them.

I would suggest counselling. You can't change him. You CAN change you... and the way you feel about him.

A lot of people have disfunctional families.

Don't carry the family history and problems with you - solve them and move on.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I would suggest counselling. You can't change him. You CAN change you ... and the way you feel about him.

A lot of people have disfunctional families.

Don't carry the family history and problems with you - solve them and move on.

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I've considered counseling, but admit that I haven't gone through with the process of finding a counselor or even if my insurance covers it.

I know I would probably benefit from it. But for some reason I have this pride issue where I feel the need to address it alone. Or maybe I'm just scared that people will find out I'm seeing one and will judge me.

Either way, your advice is right. I'm going to look into what services are offered near me.

Or a group of other people with abusive parents? Sometimes something less formal - like a group that shares - is helpful.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Or a group of other people with abusive parents? Sometimes something less formal - like a group tht shares - is helpful.

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The thing is I don't like discussing this outside of my family. I get the irrational feeling that they're judging me as being weak, that I probably had a very normal childhood and I'm just looking to be a victim (I sometimes question this about myself).

A group might help, and I'm not going to disregard the idea, but I'm much more inclined to talk to a single therapist or something like that.

I do think therapy is a good idea too. Talking it out will help you learn to recognize that you do not have to live your life under the shadow of anyone.

Many of us who live through hardship during childhood, eventually move on, and it is the distance and time between that life, that naturally causes reflection, because life now, is very different than it was, then.

Because you are an independent adult now, you have all the control over your life. Nobody else. Particularly not your father. You can recognize when you are being manipulated, or verbally or physically asasulted, and likely have far superiour intuition just even to those people who have the same traits as your father.

You will be more able, and willing, to decide your own fate, and not live the life of being under a dictatorship, or under control- of anyone.

I hope that eventually, you can recognize more good, and less harm, and realize that the more you identify, and accept as (now) part of your past, the stronger your future will be. Don't be afraid to face the past.

I too hope that you won't avoid your father. Limit visits maybe, or the length of visits. Learn that you can get up and walk away from the dinner table if the talk turns nasty. Should you feel threatened, or weak, or have those old familiar feelings that you can now identify, learn that it is time to go.

It is also okay, not to 'like' your father, but at the same time, have a certain amount of respect for him as a person in his own right. But, as he chose to live his life, does not reflect on how, or how much, you allow your past with him, to affect who you become, and what choices you make now.

I hope that time will soften the memories, and your own independence will give you the confidence to know that the only person in charge of your life, is you.

I agree with the above, and think a group is a very good addition to a therapist because you help each other rather than just being helped.
I identify with what you went through and it has affected me my whole 65 years.
I'm wondering why cutting off ties (even for a while?) from him would be so disastrous in the eyes of other family. Who? They all took off, you say. So what holds you to him? It might be a good thing, even if not forever, so that you can better form your own sense of self.