Ask Me Help Desk - It's been a month, I'm the dumpee, want ex back. Do I write a short letter?

Over the Year
My ex and I dated just over a year. It was great, through my eyes for sure. We went on 4 vacations together, went on many excursions in town, spent time getting to know each other's families and friends.

A bit of backing material
We are about 7 years apart, me being the male and the elder at 31, she at 24. She is/has been brought up a little differently than me, she comes from a quite well-off family, and she is a bit spoiled because of this.

The BIG day
She had been working at a fairly classy bar/restaurant and was having some troubles passing a beer/wine test there that day, she pretty much failed it. She asked if I wanted to get a beer and chat and I said 'sure'. I myself had had a pretty arduous day, 16 hours long after 5 hours of sleep. We got into a bit of an argument about things, me probably trying to push productivity on her too much as far as her career and 'helping' her with that. It's hard to know if this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I took her back to her house, she cried in the car, but I was so blind-sided that I didn't. She said "I guess this is goodbye", I reluctantly agreed.

Earlier in the night (but I don't know this until much later)
A male 'friend' of hers, whom I usually trusted, but he does go to the bar a lot and gets a bit irrational, was available to walk with her to the bar earlier, and she did walk with him to this bar, as I was working. It turns out, after we broke up that night, she went back to the bar and met up with him, and went to his house. I don't know how much alcohol had to play in the matter, or if she had planned this all along (and planned on the breakup?), or if I should even care.

(No Contact)

2 days later
I go NC after the breakup, utterly confused (I still don't know about that other guy either). I'm not sleeping well, so I send a text- "Are we really over?" She says, "I guess so". I request we have a face-to-face because I'm still in complete disarray. She agrees.

She says: We have been arguing about money, wasn't ready to get married, she may be moving to D.C. in 8 months, and she feels like the last couple of months we've been growing apart. Now, these may be true from her point of view, but I certainly didn't feel this way or feel this any way from her before. I was aware that she may be moving later in the year, but said that I could start looking for jobs in the area to start, which she previously agreed. I also hadn't mentioned getting married for quite some time, although just 2 weeks earlier she had been throwing that out there.

I tell her, "apparently we've both been viewing this relationship and it's destiny in total different lights, it blows my mind that we were this off". I tell her that I really love her, but if this is what she wants... I leave, a bit bitter, and she apologizes that we didn't have more time to talk because she had to go to work.

A day later, on Facebook, she 'ended our relationship'

2 days later, I unfriend her on Facebook

(No Contact)

3 days later
I text her to have my stuff ready so I can pick it up. She apologizes that it took so long, and that she'll get it ready, but it today won't work. I drop her stuff off in her entry-way today.

(No Contact)

3 days later
I text her asking if she could have my stuff ready to pickup by 6 that evening. She says she's sorry again, and this time it'll all be there waiting. I pickup my things, she has them packed nicely, including $100 which is 1/2 of our combined vacation fund.

Today I also remove all of her photos from Facebook, and try to remove the ones of me on hers, which inadvertently sends her 5 automated Facebook messages saying, 'blah blah asks you to take this photo down'. She sends a message back saying, 'which photo', I say 'all of them, I tried taking them down but I don't have access'. She replies 'no prob', but leaves them all up.

(No Contact)

2 weeks later
I record bands for a living, and went to a show to support a band I've been working with. I'm standing outside conversing with 2 friends, when lo and behold she walks outside with 2 of her friends and they start chatting. I don't really give her the time of day, and notice she kind of glances my way now and then, but I pay no attention. They go inside and watch the show, as do I, from a different viewpoint. I had a great time there with other friends and closed up the bar for the 1st time in a long time.

The next day a friend of hers she was with puts up photos of them at that bar, all having a great time and hugging and looking sassy. There is one in particular where she is flipping off the camera. I don't know what to make of all of this, if anything.

(No Contact)

2 weeks later (now)
So, I've gone through most of the grieving process, hung and continue to hang out with other friends, work out hard, stay busy with work and school, and am still left wondering about what happened a little bit, and how I could get a bit more closure, faster. Or see where she is standing now.

From what folks have been saying, she was with that other guy for about a week or 2, but now they are no more. I will admit I still want her quite badly, and honestly thought that maybe after another year or 2 we could move to the next level. I kind of feel like she was lying through her teeth when we discussed the breakup, (possibly in denial of being with that other guy?) because we had been on the same page through and through before that. Also kind of odd, she still has 6 photos of us in her profile pictures, 3 of them of us kissing. Does this matter?

So, here's the dilemma. Now that the breakup is about 4-5 weeks in, do I just keep going "No Contact", or do I hand write a simple, short letter saying something to the effect of:
"You're right about breaking up. It's time we both do our own thing,
so this is it for us. No hard feelings, and I wish you luck."

What do you think? I am getting stronger, but I feel like a short, to the point letter like this would make me feel like the bigger person, without necessarily anticipating a reply from her. Is 4-5 weeks in too late to write this? I guess really it's been about 2 weeks since seeing her, and 3 1/2 weeks since a one-liner on Facebook.

NO! A short letter is the worse possible thing to do ever and it does not make you the bigger person. What makes you a bigger person is by gathering any sort of self respect you have for yourself and to move on and no contact forever.

Write a long letter, put all you have in it, reread it the next day, and burn it without sending it!
Keep NO CONTACT, and do it correctly by staying off her network sites, stop cyber cheating and stalking, and stay out of her business. I agree her break up method was not straight and honest, but leave this mess alone, and accept you have escaped from this coward.

It's so impossible to not 'cyber stalk' these days! I hate it! It's just extra tough because I've dated a few women and had 4 longer-term relationships, and this one seemed so right in comparison. I hate that. I've learned so much from those prior, and what kind of woman I'm after, etc, and BAM! Gone...

I agree with writing a letter a letter, leaving it till the next day, reading it one more time, then burning. It will provide you with the closure that you're seeking, without having to break NC.

It is so very hard to not "cyber stalk" particularly when curiosity gets to the best of you, and of course if you still share mutual friends, its even more difficult. If you don't feel right deleting mutual friends, I would make it so that their information doesn't come up on your news feeds.

Go back to the NC, leave it in place, walk away with your dignity. As noted if you have to write it, do so, and then never send it.

Absolutely NOT... go No Contact and move on.

Maintaining NC. We'll probably be bumping into each other around town or at shows, how do I handle this? Just act like she's another normal person, or try to avoid/give the cold shoulder, or say 'hello' pleasantly?

Polite, NOT rude, but unavailble for chit chat or any emotional BS! She means nothing to you any more, so don't give her the time of day, if you do get trapped, a hasty exit is acceptable.

Still maintaining NC. Un-friended, but not blocked her on Facebook some time ago, but finally had a couple of days where I stubbornly didn't look at her page to see what she was up to. It's been about 6 weeks since the break. It looks like it might be for good.

Also, why would an ex of 6 weeks leave 4 pictures of us kissing in her Facebook profile photos?

Quote:

Originally Posted by underthegun

Also, why would an ex of 6 weeks leave 4 pictures of us kissing in her facebook profile photos?

It doesn't matter. You are doing NC and are busy with your own life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by underthegun

Still maintaining NC. Un-friended, but not blocked her on facebook some time ago, but finally had a couple of days where I stubbornly didn't look at her page to see what she was up to. It's been about 6 weeks since the break. It looks like it might be for good.

Also, why would an ex of 6 weeks leave 4 pictures of us kissing in her facebook profile photos?

That's why you stay off her face book. So you don't get all confused by what ever she does. That's true NC.

It's been more than 7 weeks now, No Contact.
Still have tough days/times, but fewer and fewer.
Destroy & Rebuild.

Walk away from that and grow some hair on your peaches and move on. Go NC and stay NC from now on she is dead to you.

To the post we discussed the other day: What do you think?

Personally, I prefer to remove (reasonable) doubt than preserve some (in my opinion) false sense of dignity or pride. Uncertainty or regret, I feel, will rankle longer than the irritation of displaying perceived weakness, fear of expressing love only to find it now unrequited. We are all human: we don’t just get over someone we’ve loved in a couple of weeks - why try to indicate that you have? Covering your feelings to protect yourself is not a sign of strength. To hide your feelings is though often, in the currency of emotions, a false economy: it is more costly further down the line.

Given your description there is and was plenty of doubt. It would appear you have both been stubborn, tried to test each other, without showing your hand, and see who blinks first.

Consider your more recent actions:

you proposed to write her a letter to convey that you were glad is was over: why?

It’s clearly not how you felt. You are trying to hurt her, save some pride or test for her reaction (without you revealing yours)

Your ignored her, her eye contact, at the music gig. Again, you are sending her a message which is inconsistent with your feelings: you are both punishing her and testing her and trying to indicate you are over her (which you were not).

You demand she takes down her photos from fb. Did you really want her to? What was the point? - to elicit information from her and to convey a false message. You would have been gutted if she had taken them down, I’m sure.

What do you expect?

Well to be honest she has sent you a message: she went to the gig. She has left the fb photos up for weeks. She has clearly sacrificed plenty of pride in doing this. If say, she had posted on a forum, like this place, that she still has these photos up on her fb of her ex: the responses would be blunt: take them down, save your dignity. Assuming she is conscious they are there it is certainly a form of communication to you: I am sure she expects you to be checking her fb account.

You asked: are we over? Her response ‘I guess so’. Which is clearly indecisive: a possible subtext being ‘I don’t know what do you think?’. ‘I guess this is goodbye’ – clearly reluctant and I would suggest vying for a contradiction. In addition she was clearly open to dialogue after you split up.

The other guy: well was it divisive in you splitting or was it a rebound reaction? Whatever the context it would certainly appear that it didn’t amount too much and she was still hung up on you.

Obviously, there were some suppressed issues which came out during the break up and you both appear to be stubborn and reluctant to communicate openly when pride is at stake. The break up itself wasn’t exactly considered: you both had a bad day and backed yourselves into a corner. It provided a catalyst for issues to surface but whether they could have been addressed wasn’t properly explored.

Admittedly, you did open up your feelings immediately afterwards but at the time her thoughts would have been cluttered, especially with the other guy around.

There is nothing wrong, it is human, to still miss someone you have or love just a few weeks after you have split up – whether you think it was right or wrong to part, your choice or not. If a composed, honest expression of your thoughts and feeling leads to a loss of dignity: then, in my opinion, you hold a false sense of dignity.

A step backwards is only wrong if you are sure you are on the right path. It is I believe easier to move on when things have been more satisfactorily resolved and not left in an uncertain, confused and messy state.

Most of us understand these reactions from our own experiences and reflect on them differently. I am sure you could have both handled things better and if you were to be together again, you would need to reflect on the problems you have in communicating, expressing your feelings, if simply experiencing a tough day can lead to such consequences.

In addition forcing yourself to believe/feel that she means nothing to you, given you love(d) her is in my opinion is unrealistic and damaging. One might argue it is more preferable, life would be easier, but it is to go against our natural emotions and we would end going through life trying to delete chunks of our past, which is sad and I feel unnecessary. A balance has to be struck of course: we cannot live in the past.

Good luck with whatever you do.

puccini, very nice reply, well thought-out and well-said! Thanks!

When I saw her at the show with bands, I did not want to show that I was weak. I wouldn't say that I was 'mean' per-say, but definitely not approachable. I mean, I didn't really give her the time of day or check her out too much. She was the one who asked for the break, so it's pretty impossible to not be disappointed and put up a front.

Covering my feelings may not be a sign of strength, but in emotionally unstable times, that's really the only option. To talk to her or smile or anything else, would probably break me down to the core, because it would be as-if I'm still with her or something awkward. I can sort out my emotions on my own and with friends and family, but if I happen to be around her, I need to put up a bit of a wall, at least for that time being. (I'm further along now, and could ease up)

I had proposed to write her a letter, mostly a) for more solid closure on my end and b) to make sure she knows that I am agreeing with her on breaking up. Something take a bit of time to believe, but I was learning to agree with her.
She was obviously the one to break it off, so I don't see this as me trying to 'hurt her'. As for saving some pride, you are correct.

I did really want her to take those photos off Facebook. I took all mine down, and untagged myself from hers. If we are no longer together, then by all means I would rather her take them down, than to pretend like something exists and drag it out in front of our peers. I would've been gutted, but I'd rather get all the pain up-front than have it perpetuate itself.

As far as her sacrificing her pride with the photos and going to the show, I don't know if I agree. I don't think she was aware that I would've been at that show, and she went with 4 of her girlfriends, most folks in town hang out at the same few places. So, it could've been quite incidental. With the photos, just because she is leaving them up there, doesn't mean she sacrificing pride. I think she is lost, very lost. That, and most people in town really respect me, and she said this was one reason she wanted to date me. She might not be in the same boat, a more rough reputation, so she could actually be saving her pride a bit, still showing me off and how happy we were.

She was open for dialogue after the split, and we did meet-up. Her choice was loud and clear, I think she was willing to meetup because she knows that I'm a nice guy and was a bit rash with the break-up, so this was a way for her to feel more calm and better about it. This dialogue/meetup that I initiated she said :
a) she might be moving 15 hours away in the next 6 months
b) we argue about money sometimes, I'm too tight with mine
c) we argue about drinking ( she drinks a lot, and quite often )
d) it feels like we've been growing apart for the last couple months ( didn't see that coming )

The other guy, she had been friends with for some time. It was probably a rebound, and I hear that they are done. But, just because it didn't last doesn't mean that she's hung up on me. She is/was just confused and looking for a quickie, to help jump-start her confidence outside of me.

"A step backwards is only wrong if you are sure you are on the right path. It is I believe easier to move on when things have been more satisfactorily resolved and not left in an uncertain, confused and messy state."

^This is a very good point. But, any couple that has split-up, unless mutually, would continue to question the break, or if they are on the right path. I would truly love for things to be more satisfactorily resolved and certain, but that's an inevitable part of breaking up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by puccini

To the post we discussed the other day: What do you think?

Personally, I prefer to remove (reasonable) doubt than preserve some (in my opinion) false sense of dignity or pride. Uncertainty or regret, I feel, will rankle longer than the irritation of displaying perceived weakness, fear of expressing love only to find it now unrequited. We are all human: we don’t just get over someone we’ve loved in a couple of weeks - why try to indicate that you have? Covering your feelings to protect yourself is not a sign of strength. To hide your feelings is though often, in the currency of emotions, a false economy: it is more costly further down the line.

Given your description there is and was plenty of doubt. It would appear you have both been stubborn, tried to test each other, without showing your hand, and see who blinks first.

Consider your more recent actions:

you proposed to write her a letter to convey that you were glad is was over: why?

It’s clearly not how you felt. You are trying to hurt her, save some pride or test for her reaction (without you revealing yours)

Your ignored her, her eye contact, at the music gig. Again, you are sending her a message which is inconsistent with your feelings: you are both punishing her and testing her and trying to indicate you are over her (which you were not).

You demand she takes down her photos from fb. Did you really want her to? What was the point? - to elicit information from her and to convey a false message. You would have been gutted if she had taken them down, I’m sure.

What do you expect?

Well to be honest she has sent you a message: she went to the gig. She has left the fb photos up for weeks. She has clearly sacrificed plenty of pride in doing this. If say, she had posted on a forum, like this place, that she still has these photos up on her fb of her ex: the responses would be blunt: take them down, save your dignity. Assuming she is conscious they are there it is certainly a form of communication to you: I am sure she expects you to be checking her fb account.

You asked: are we over? Her response ‘I guess so’. Which is clearly indecisive: a possible subtext being ‘I don’t know what do you think?’. ‘I guess this is goodbye’ – clearly reluctant and I would suggest vying for a contradiction. In addition she was clearly open to dialogue after you split up.

The other guy: well was it divisive in you splitting or was it a rebound reaction? Whatever the context it would certainly appear that it didn’t amount to much and she was still hung up on you.

Obviously, there were some suppressed issues which came out during the break up and you both appear to be stubborn and reluctant to communicate openly when pride is at stake. The break up itself wasn’t exactly considered: you both had a bad day and backed yourselves into a corner. It provided a catalyst for issues to surface but whether they could have been addressed wasn’t properly explored.

Admittedly, you did open up your feelings immediately afterwards but at the time her thoughts would have been cluttered, especially with the other guy around.

There is nothing wrong, it is human, to still miss someone you have or love just a few weeks after you have split up – whether you think it was right or wrong to part, your choice or not. If a composed, honest expression of your thoughts and feeling leads to a loss of dignity: then, in my opinion, you hold a false sense of dignity.

A step backwards is only wrong if you are sure you are on the right path. It is I believe easier to move on when things have been more satisfactorily resolved and not left in an uncertain, confused and messy state.

Most of us understand these reactions from our own experiences and reflect on them differently. I am sure you could have both handled things better and if you were to be together again, you would need to reflect on the problems you have in communicating, expressing your feelings, if simply experiencing a tough day can lead to such consequences.

In addition forcing yourself to believe/feel that she means nothing to you, given you love(d) her is in my opinion is unrealistic and damaging. One might argue it is more preferable, life would be easier, but it is to go against our natural emotions and we would end going through life trying to delete chunks of our past, which is sad and I feel unnecessary. A balance has to be struck of course: we cannot live in the past.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Almost never is there closure, at best you both lie to each other and go on, Often in anger if you bother someone who does not want you any more, they may and often do say even more hateful things than they mean, just to get rid of you.

It is over, there has to be acceptance, of you will sit around for months or more, waiting for something that will not happen, or end up with a restraining order on your record for stalking someone.

Know when to say it is over, so there is no final moment and full understanding, never really is, someone is always hurt.

Stay no contact and move on with life.

And thank you for your response. You know your situation and her better than anyone here.

I should have said either you 'either you were trying to hurt her... '

We all feel the emotions you describe (I'm not knocking you in that sense), they protect us (in some sense) but also hinder us. Your emotional response at the band was natural but not conducive to what (it seemed) you wanted: it seemed you still wanted her and were hung up on her, and wanted her to approach you.

The breakup didn't seem well resolved and the likelihood is she was still hung up on you weeks afterwards: its human nature, the other guy appears to be a rebound adding to that sense.

You reasons for wanting the photos down are understandable, although its only a problem if you don't check her fb! I suppose the request felt like a test of her emotions, of how she felt. The reasons you say she has kept them up - you would certainly know how realistic they are. But from a distance it is not the normal thing you would do if you are over a guy, particularly if it has ended somewhat messily (imo).

"But, any couple that has split-up, unless mutually, would continue to question the break, or if they are on the right path. I would truly love for things to be more satisfactorily resolved and certain, but that's an inevitable part of breaking up!"

Yes, I agree, there will likely always be some lingering doubts - but it certainly felt as though a chunk of them could have been resolved with better communication and what appeared less pride.

Anyhow, you seem to be in a better place and have perspective and appear to see the problems you had more clearly. Anyhow, good luck and thanks for the considered response.

You didn't want to contact her for "Closure" and you probably don't really FEEL the "I'm ignoring you/defriending you/removing all your pictures." aloof behavior you're undertaking either except for the hurt.

... what you (some part of you/consciously or unconsciously at least) wants is for things to get back to the way they were and that's also why you're having a hard time letting go and monitoring what she's up to. At the end of the day, I'm afraid, she simply moved on and she might have been using the other guy (and the fight) as the doorways to be free. Your brain may say, "Well I just want to understand WHY this all happened...I didn't feel like we were growing apart even though she said that she was experiencing that" and you may keep searching around for things to be more "satisfactorily resolved"

It doesn't matter and it never gets more satisfactorily resolved. Keep on going with your own life.

Emotions aren't a faucet you can turn on and off and sometimes there's pain in "failing" a relationship. It's normal to feel twisted up inside and to hold on for awhile in spite of logic but every day it gets a little bit easier and easier. Stay off Facebook -- give yourself permission to not watch who she's with and what she's doing -- it will help. So will thinking about how different the two of you are and how differently you viewed life, entertainment, what's important, etc. :)