MY 18 year old son completely loses it when he doesn't get his way. This evening I said I would write a letter to have him leave school early for sport WHEN his room was tidy and he had updated his wall calender with the latest test dates.

He was swearing and performing. I ignored and turned the TV up. I had forgotten my 20 year old in the room next to him who was studying for varsity tests. She walked in and asked him to stop behaving like (a relative that was a real thug). Well, that set him off even more.

It's been over an hour and he is still swearing, but now it's that he was called that name he must also be a moron.

My husband works away from home and only comes home on weekends. This NEVER happens on weekends. I don't want to stress my husband more than necessary, but I have to have a way to cope - I'm scared of the damage its doing his sister. She, of course, is ALWAYS right and won't back down, even to make peace.

After an evening like tonight - I won't got to bed until he is asleep, because quite honestly, I'm frightened for my daughter and myself. This is so ridiculous, writing it out, because when he is being himself, he is an absolute star and a wonderful boy!

He is on Ritalin and has been for many years - he is dyslexic although now they call it ADD. He copes at school and is brilliant at sport. This is not a regular occurrence; maybe 1-2 times a month; but frightening none the less. AS to what I do - I try to speak quietly; tell him to calm down; and keep his sister out of the way.

He has not phoned my husband, who told him to go for a walk. Had I suggested this, the result would not have been good. He is calmer now and we are talking to one another like polite beings.
Still, I would appreciate any suggestions.

He phoned his dad, who told him to go for a walk. This has calmed him and we are now talking coherently to one another, all three of us. Had I suggested the walk the reaction would not have been good.
So, any suggestions would still be appreciated.

Would it have helped the situation if you would have volunteered to pitch in to tidy his room and update his calendar? Or is it better to butt out and let him do it by himself? (It doesn't sound like he did what he needed to do.)

It sounds like your daughter enjoys baiting him, or did I get that wrong?

You can't expect a young adult to act like an adult, if you continue to treat him like a child.

If he has a problem with your rules, he can find somewhere else to live. That's the reality of adulthood. You follow the rules, or you pay the price.

You have allowed him to behave this way for too long. Its time to pull out the big guns.

Kindly remind him that he is 18 now. And there is no law preventing you from kicking his a$$ to the curb.

On a side note, Ritalin, at least for me and my friends I knew taking it, losts its effectiveness as we got into middle school.

Is it time to re evaluate him for a new med? One that might help him more?

Unfortunately, now that he is 18, it is up to him to do this now. Hopefully he will.

Just to add, dyslexia and ADD are not the same thing. Has he been diagnosed as having ADD as well as being dyslexic?

What does he say when you discuss it with him after he is calm? Have you discussed it with him? What was his reason for the outburst when asked to tidy his room and update the calendar? Does he have set chores he is expected to do? Does he willingly help out around the house?

Since it is not often, have you noticed specific situations where he is more likely to be set off? When he is stressed... tired... hasn't eaten in awhile, etc.

His father needs to be a part of this. Telling him to go take a walk does not address the problem. Maybe all of you might sit down for a family meeting to discuss what the expectations of behavior are in your home, and how to treat one another... including the consequences.

@Wondergirl:I don't know if its enjoying baiting him or just a case of being a bit of a control freak and always wanting to be right.
The whole situation started because I wanted that room tidied and the calendar done. I had asked for 2 days; and now had a way to force it to be done. He just doesn't listen to me.
@jenniepepsi:I can't kick him to the curb; like all parents we love our children more than they love us; and he would never survive and I would not survive having done it.But the thought is pleasant occasionally!
@DoulalC:The days without Ritalin are fine; as long as there is no reading is involved. He really needs it to focus on written work; school days without Ritalin are a nightmare for him; as he can't do what he knows he can do. And that makes the frustration climb really high.
The walk worked as any form of exercise releases the good endorphin's and calms him. We will have to talk about it when my husband returns home - but when he is so out of control, I feel like a timid little helpless ineffectual person; and I'm not. I'm an intelligent, if somewhat controlling person. We moved to this area as the crime was lower and there was more personal safety and less stress in the environment and the schooling for dyslexics was better.
I suppose on one level; I expect a tiny bit of gratitude and the co-operation that that brings; since it is not pleasant for my husband to only come home on a weekly basis and its hard for me to be only parent during the week.
The only 'duties' he has, is 2 hours of study a day after school - be that in the form of extra lessons for his languages or homework or revision; but 2 hours have to be done. His only duty in the home is to pass at school and prepare supper on Wednesday nights (he actually likes the cooking chore) .
If I shout and meet his anger and aggression with anger and aggression, it escalates and nothing is achieved.
But I need help in figuring out how to lower that aggression quickly.

Did he know ahead of time what the consequences of not getting his room tidy and the calendar done would be? Whenever possible, give him a choice... have this taken care of by such and such time and this will be the result, otherwise it won't happen until I am free again to take care of it. If he fails to meet the expectation, remind him of the discussion regarding the consequences and let him know that you are sure he will make a different choice next time.

He can be upset and angry, but the swearing and rudeness are not due to being dyslexic or having ADD, that is just poor manners. He has shown that he can indeed control it when his father is around. Has he ever behaved in a similar manner with his father? If so, what was the outcome?

When dad gets home, have a family meeting. Discuss ahead of time with your husband what the concerns are. Decide as a family what the expectations will be as well as the consequences. Present it as a new way of everyone working together to get along better and be more respectful of each other. (This includes your daughter as well) He will need to have consequences for his swearing and disrespect as well if that is a problem for you.

Does he have ADD or ADHD? How long ago was the Ritalin prescribed and when was the last time he had a check-up that included a discussion on behavior, attention concerns, and medication?
Who made the decision for him to take the Ritalin on some days but not on others?

I think the family discussion is the way to go. It's manipulative behaviour because he knows I can't cope with the aggression. He is the ADD that usually slips through the cracks as the only person her disrupts is himself. The pediatrician and he meet every 6 months. 2 visits ago they decided that if he feels he can control himself well and not have to deal with written work - then he can try to stop the Ritalin on weekends and holidays. That has worked fine; during exam time he takes the meds on weekends too.His a nice kid, but when that temper erupts I don't know how to pour oil on troubled waters to lower the levels immediately. That's the thing I need techniques for.

If you haven't tried it yet, you could try acknowledging that he is upset/frustrated/angry and that you understand that, however, it does not make it OK for him to behave rudely and that you will not accept being cursed or yelled at. It is disrespectful, serves no useful purpose, and it is not going to be tolerated.

Let him know that you will be happy to talk with him to work out a more agreeable arrangement for whatever the issue is when he can regain control of his emotions and behave appropriately. Suggest he go for a walk, listen to some music for awhile, take some deep breaths, etc. Tell him to come see you when he is ready to talk calmly. Then walk away.

After a number of times of repeating the same dialog, you might be able to just shoot him a look, say "When you are ready", and walk away. He will catch on. You are helping him learn to regain his self-control faster and putting it in his hands.

When/if he comes to see you, don't bring it up, just get on with sorting out whatever the issue was that set him off.

Hopefully, in time, he will start to recognize when he feels that he is heading for a meltdown and will be able to head it off on his own, by walking, music, relaxation exercises, etc. You might even, during a calm time, suggest he try some of these things the next time he feels as though the anger or frustration is getting too much since you know it is unpleasant for him as well to not feel in control.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

You can't expect a young adult to act like an adult, if you continue to treat him like a child.

If he has a problem with your rules, he can find somewhere else to live. thats the reality of adulthood. You follow the rules, or you pay the price.

You have allowed him to behave this way for too long. Its time to pull out the big guns.

Kindly remind him that he is 18 now. And there is no law preventing you from kicking his a$$ to the curb.

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I agree with you 100%. Where I come from if you think you are man enough to disrespect your parents like that then you are man enough to get the heck out of the house, find your own place, make your own money and live. So long as you live under my roof you will obey my rules and that is that.

I will agree, family meeting with dad as part of it, there needs to be set rules, ( write them down) and set punishments, Grounding, not getting to do events, losing use of things he has.

I honestly feel that will make matters worse chuck. All an 18 year old ADHD person will feel is 'how dare you talk to me like this, I'm an adult now'
And it would be technically true. Granted not all the way :P but still. Legally at least.

I believe in a situation like that he would feel attacked, and would possibly make him feel like storming out of the house, dropping out of school (if he is still there) and never seeing his mother again.

The family meeting happened. And much was resolved.
Jennie:He is still in school (he had to repeat a year due to the severe dyslexia) and he lost a year due our many moves when he was small - he started a year late; so I do think he feels a bit "I'm an adult".
He hates that Dad was ashamed of his swearing at his sister and me (Mom). Generally, in the family NO ONE dares to disrespect the Mother; and he only does it when Dad is not around. We have cleared the rules and the punishments and I hope that it's set in his brain now.
I am of Italian descent and my Mom always used say "that when a child is least lovable, he needs love the most".
Apparently there have been a few incidents at school, that he was saving up to talk to Dad about.
So with that reaching resolution, blow outs should be minimal. The occasional screaming match between the kids I can handle; but loud aggression aimed at me, is not on.
Thank you all for your input.

I am also Italian. And I agree with your mom :P

This is a very important time, and very difficult time. At 18, he can choose to do what I chose to do. The very day I turned 18, I dropped out of school. Worst mistake I ever made. But I didn't think so at the time. He can drop out, walk out of your home, and never turn around. Its one of the scariest things to me as a mom. And my daughter is only 8 lol.

I honestly am one of those people who believe it is healthy for a certain amount of conflict in a family. I strongly believe that if here is no conflict at all, that means that the people involved don't care enough to fight each other. (if that makes sense, and of course there are exceptions)

And remember, even if he refuses help from you, that doesn't mean you can't take care of things for yourself. Make sure to take time out for yourself. Get your hair done. Or your nails done. Possibly see a pychologist, just for you, so you have someone to talk to. Do you have date nights with your husband? A mistake some parents make, including myself, is putting the kids ahead of everything. Take time out for you and your husband. Go on a date. If you can, go on a vacation with just you and your husband.

Glad to hear the concerns have been brought out in the open and discussed as a family. Change takes time, but with consistency hopefully the outbursts will be even fewer.

No doubt the incidents from school weighed on his mind and that alone can make it more difficult to deal with frustration in other areas.

You may find having occasional family meetings to share and talk about concerns opens the door for even more calm. Your children will learn a valuable tool for constructively dealing with conflict or problems.