I am 25 years old, female, Filipina and married to a German guy and now finally moved in Germany to be with him.. Before I moved in Germany, I thought I was ready to take the risks of being alone and far from family and friends.. I thought I was ready to take everything from a different country, different culture, weather, etc. But now, seems like I was wrong...

The first year that I was here in Germany, I tried to be strong and be positive to avoid to feel home sick and miss my family... I tried to just focus my attention to my husband, make him feel that I love him... make him feel that he is everything to me.. even his friends, I treated like somebody who are important for me.. but 2 of his 5 friends gave a negative treatment... "Well, maybe because I am ASIAN". It is so unfair because they judged me without knowing me first. But, I somehow can understand them. Until now, (my 2nd year here in germany) the thoughts from them are still deep inside my brain and I have somehow difficulties to move on and get over it.

They think my husband is too stupid to marry me... They think they have to protect my husband from me.. Why?? For what? They cannot see my husband happy with me... I've been crying to my husband talking about it.. But My husband's friends are important for him and he have difficulties to defend me from them.. I feel like I am all alone here... I feel like I am the last priority of my husband... And many other things concerning my husband and the people around him makes me feel like I am never good for my husband... That I am just making his life miserable.. I just want to go home but it is also unfair for our marriage if I will just give up.

Dec. 2011, I got diagnosed that I had heart valves problem and Feb. 2012, I had an operation.. I have biological heart valve now and will have another operation again after next few years.. Which tortures me a lot too... Every 3 months, I need to go to the Cardio. For my heart check up and I also need to take medicines to make my artificial heart valve work.. Now, "the going home" topic is somehow difficult for me to say... In the Philippines, everything will be difficult concerning my sickness... It is making me crazy...

People around my husband have too much expectations from me.. Language, job, etc.. To learn different language is NEVER an EASY THING to do in just 2 years. My Deustch is not too bad but of course not good enough to find a good job or to go to school to be able to have more opportunity of better job. Plus, because of my sickness, I don't know what else I could do.

I don't know what is wrong with me why nobody can understand me... I don't know why every time I explain myself, nobody can see my point... and I don't know if my husband can really understand me or not? But I think NOT.. every time we talk about my thoughts, we end up with fight.. He cannot get me.. He cannot understand my way of thinking...

Anybody can help me please.. About my thoughts, you think I need a psychologist to get over all the burdens in me?

Let's say first of all, that you are not a mind reader. You don't know what anybody thinks or assumes about you. You could be 100% wrong.

Your husband's friends would likely feel protective of him, no matter who he married. Try to understand that should it be him, instead of you, in your home country, your close friends would likely feel protective of you as well.

Give them time, and don't give them a reason to dislike you, by thinking that you know what they are thinking, and that it is all negative.

To put your husband in a position where he has to choose his friends over you, is very unfair, and will backfire. He does not love you less, because he has friends. And he has every right to have friends, and why should he have to choose to dump friends, just to please you?

Accept that any normal adult has a social circle of friends that they've known a very long time, as it sounds with your husband. Try not to think of his friends as you, vs. them!

You don't have to like everybody, and likewise, not everybody is going to like you.

The only person that matters is your husband. If he loved you enough to marry you, why put insecure doubts in his head, and try to control or change his life- as it has always been before he married you.

I don't know if you had this heart problem before you moved to a new country, and I don't know that if you do decide to move home, for whatever reason, that you will have the same medical care. But, it would seem, from the outside looking in, that if you are there, or staying there, for health benefits, that would be unfair to your husband.

I do understand the confusion being in a new country, with a new language, culture, etc. I am in Canada, and many thousands upon thousands came from distant lands, including many war brides after two world wars, and made their new lives work. Anyone I have known from that generation in particular, worked hard at their marriages, and lives.

Why not take a course in language, and do some volunteer work at a food bank, or used clothing store, or children's centre. There are many opportunities to mingle with the local people, in a helpful way, and at the same time improve your language skills.

Find ways to learn. Read books, visit museums, and libraries. You don't need a lot of money to at least try. Do some of your husband's friends have wives or girlfriends? Why not call one of them, and make a date to go shopping. Even for simple things, like groceries. You'll have fun, develop a friendship, and learn the marketplace at the same time.

If you really want your marriage to work, you have to make a better effort to improve your attitude, and change how YOU think

I am a Caucasian American and my brother is married to a Filipina (many years, 8 children). She had a tough time with everything from the cold climate of the Colorado mountains to missing her family and not being able to afford to visit them, to other more subtle problems which I only have heard little stories about. I have a feeling she wanted to leave and go back home many times. Probably all the babies one after the other made that very difficult. If you are truly unhappy (you don't mention love at all!) then go, and if you are in or near Manila I am sure you can get good medical care. Only go to a therapist to sort out your thoughts and desires, not because there is anything wrong with you. Maybe you aren't sticking up for yourself enough! You stated it very well here, the problems of language and your condition making job hunting difficult.
You might be able to find a group centered around this topic of wives from other lands.

Others here think you should stay. Each response you get you will reject, accept, or think about, because you will decide for yourself.

Hi. I don't know when did you write the letter, hope the situation have changed for now. But I decided to reply because I understand you so well! I am from a part of Russia / I am not Russian/. I have married an Irish man and live in Ireland. And I must say without any hesitation that he is a most ugly person I have ever seen in my life. He pretend to be a very nice person in a public, talking easy, eating slowly , etc. But at home he is an evil: giving out all the time, eating as an animal, bullying me, shouting. I know, my situation quite different from mine because you love your husband and wish to keep him happy. My love is gone as soon as I understood that he is disgusting, smelly, dirty, cheap impotent. Please, excuse my language, perhaps I need psychologist. But I am pissed of with a totally bad man who treat me without any respect and ignores that I am absolutely alone here and helpless. He even called the police and thrown me on the street because I was cleaning the house and made some positive changes, and he decided that I want his house. I am so unhappy and suppressed that I understand you better that anyone else, my dear. What can I say? Just something what I say to myself: be strong; there is no point to die because of piece of sheet that we have met in our lives.
With regards
Sana Brown
>email address removed<

Hi,
I totally understand you. I am a Spanish woman married to an Irishman and living in Ireland like Sabina (or Sana). It is very difficult when the man you marry is never on your side and treats you badly. You don't get to like him or love him. You despise him. All this make things more difficult, and you feel lonely and sad. Cannot really give an answer to your problem, I wish I could because then I would act on that myself. Those ones who are not in that situation cannot understand (so shut up!

This is for Sabina (or Sana?). You left an email address in your comment. I have tried to contact you with no result. It seems to me that we are in the same situation. I felt like that was me talking!! Your husband sounds like mine so much that they could be twins (I know they aren't! ) Maybe we could get in touch? If you read this, can you reply with a email so that keep in contact?
My name is Maria

maypa, sana may not be back to see this, but there are others here from time to time in your situation, so why not stay and keep an eye on questions under Marriage, Emotional Wellbeing, Relationships, etc. You can even respond and help out.

Hello,

I am actually not trying to make my husband choose between me and his friends... 2 of his best friends were trying my husband to distance from me.. By trying take more of his time to be with them.. and laugh if my hubby goes out with me.. Trying to make my husband feel like he is having bad life now because of marrying me.. One reason why they are there to protect him from me... They say words which I and my husband can also hear that they are not happy with my husband's decision to marry me.

About job, here in Germany is not so easy... Without speaking their language fluently, is imposible to get a job. The only posibility is to be a maid, cleaning...

About my health, I did not know that I was sick before I came here.. (Germany) I was just diagnosed Dec. 2011. I came here 2010.. I want to go home to give him space somehow, to give him time to realize what he really wants to do with our marrriage..

It was never a topic to me, him having bestfriends that he cares a lot.. not unless, I felt disrespected by 2 of them.. I heard, I saw, I felt that they don't respect my hubby's marriage with me. 1 of 2 of his friends even talked to me that they want to protect my husband because he is having too weak personality handling his life.

What I understand about friendship is that, they suppose to be just behind of their friends.. Respect each others decision, be happy if friend are happy, and be there if a friend need them (if they asked for help).

Nov. 30, 2012

I guess I wrote the first letter few months ago... (about 6-7 months.)

I love my husband, he is actually a really good guy.. He knows which way he is taking but in terms of his friends, he was lost. That was the only problem... He take them as his brothers.. He listen to them, he follows them, no matter what. He surely loves me too, he shows it if we are together without his friends around.. Make me want to just stop the clock and just stay in that moment and enjoy it the whole time...

But I am glad to tell, that now, everything has changed.. He started to realize what was going on with his 2 other friends.. What was wrong with them and he couldn't understand what happened to them.. And he feel really sorry for being blind for 2 years..

Now, he finally made a decision to keep distance from them. Sent them letters and mentioned his thoughts and emotions.. But no answer from them. Sad ending (with 2 of his friends) but that's how it is...

What I believe about friendship is that; the friends are suppose to be behind each other, respect to each other is very important, be happy if friends are happy, and be there is they need them (if they ask to), (well, maybe sometimes, depends on the situation). Enterfering is never a positive action to do..

So, I believe that my husband's decision is just fair for us and for his friends..

Now, we are a very happy couple, he now cares about me.. and love me even more... ;)

PS to Jake 2008,

His friends are all single, 1 was never been in a relationship, 1 is taking always an old lady to be a girlfriend and always break up after 1 month or 2?.

So I guess that is the reason why they couldn't accept and respect a "MARRIAGE". For them it is stupidity.. (Well, too bad for them)