I don't know if this is the place to ask, but it is a good site that doesn't ask for much. Put simply, I have only had one girlfriend in my life... and we were together for a while, a few years. She died in a car accident around four years ago. Put simply, I miss her a lot, and have a lot of trouble expressing emotions and anything pertianing to intimacy now that she is gone. Anyway, the other day my friend was here, all excited about a new nephew he has (you could swear the kid was his own,) and when he smiled, and was happy, and showed me the pictures of him and his nephew... my head throbbed, like something in it started working in a way it hasn't for a long time. For the past week now, whenever my music starts playing, or I stand up, or I listen to somebody, or I stop to think, my girlfriend is suddenly standing there telling me 'the baby is gone,' or 'the baby isn't here anymore,' or something about a child, perhaps mine, being gone.

I have a hard time remembering a lot of time I spent with her... but I don't think we ever were... intimate... so I don't know where this talk of my child, or the baby, comes from. Anyway, somebody with a level head giving me a response would be greatly appreciated... I guess I'm just not quite sewn together yet.

After four years, please get professional help, grief counseling, private counseling. After four years you will still have times of sadness, but you should have moved on by now.
** you just say photos of a baby, and was thinking that if she was still alive the baby may have been yours, so with her gone the baby ( or chance for baby is gone)

Thank you for the answer... I have sought out proffessional help before... but that ended badly. To put it bluntly, a chair wound up going through a window on my last day there, (after about a month,) so that's not really an option I want to pursue. Thank you, however, for the speculation. It is appreciated.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it's difficult because I lost a husband in 2003 and there is rarely a day I don't miss him. You never really get over it, but it does get easier with time.

Just because professional help didn't work out in the past, please don't rule it out. There are many different kinds of therapy and apparently the one you received wasn't the right kind for you at the time. Grief is a strange thing. I'm sure you have heard about all the different stages of grief. They can appear in any order, or not at all. One of those is anger, and another is denial so perhaps that is part of what happened on your last day of therapy. Regardless, you will probably benefit greatly by some form of therapy - even if it's just talking about your loss.

As for your memories being unclear - that is actually your body's way of protecting you until you are ready to work through your loss. When you are ready the memories will return - at least all the important ones - and you will move through them and become more able to express your emotions in a healthy way and intimacy will become easier for you. In addition, you will likely be able to understand exactly what you are experiencing now means.

It will not be easy to move through your grief, but I sense that you are ready. If you can find the right therapist you will have much more insight and understanding into the entire situation. I promise that it will be worth it if you just give it a genuine chance.

I hope this helps.

Hugs, Didi

Didi, I'm sorry to hear about your loss, but I appreciate the time you put into responding to me. Your answers both say that I should see ktherapy, that maybe it would help me. I don't think both of you would be wrong, so if it would help... then I'll look into it again and hope for better results. Thank you for the responses... they mean a lot, having somebody to talk to.

Find a cause your Loved one Loved and aid in that endeavour. Say she loved butterflies, plant flora that supports butterlies. Work hard at this ~ your body will function better and your mind will follow.