Ask Me Help Desk - Why does my 6 year old always have to be right?

During homework time with my daughter, it is hell. We constantly argue, because she does not like to get something wrong or not no how to do it. I will then try to help her and she gets mad because she wants to be able to do it herself. But at the same time she does want my help. It goes the same when playing a game. She always has to win. And will get extremely mad if she doesn't, or let's say for example; she misses the ball she flips out. I am more concerned about the homework. We always argue when it's homework time. She doesn't understand that she needs to accept my help without the attitude. I'm only trying to teach her what she don't know yet. I can't take it anymore. I want to help my daughter learn things but she gets discouraged to easily. She is a good girl. But basically her problem is she always has to win or get everything right. She does not like to be wrong. Help me please. Our fighting is getting in the way of our relationship. Why is she like this.
Nic

Fighting?? You do not allow her to talk back or argue with you. That is the first issue.
But you make her sit and listen while you show her what was done wrong. If she gets in a bad mood, that is her issue and will have to deal with it, if she talks back, she does a time out or other punishment and she learns that she has to listen to those in charge.

I'm going to take the opposite tack from Fr_Chuck. It sounds like your daughter is old enough and smart enough to be able to figure this out -- ask her how you can best help her with her homework. Should you butt out completely and she's on her own? If she wants your help, how much will she tolerate?

Perhaps have a secret word between the two of you that she has to say when she wants to do things on her own without your help. The secret word should be her choice. As soon as she says it, then you back off. Perhaps you could have a second secret word that means she needs your help. For instance, "kitten" = help me! And "chickenpox" = I can do this by myself.

Have you talked with her teacher about your daughter's unhappiness with her performances? Does your daughter act the same way in school as what you see at home?

I agree with wondergirl.

My daughter is 8 now. We tried a home based online public school for her fr a while. Which made me her teacher for all intents and purposes. Fights were daily because she, like your daughter, hated to be wrong, and hated to be corrected.

So with advice from her actual teacher, I backed off. And only offered help if she asked. And if she asked, and then threw a fit, I stopped the help.

Try telling her that you will not help her unless she asks for, and accepts the help.

Also, make sure that her teacher, and you as well, are NOT instilling the need for perfection in her at such a young age. My daughters kindergarten teacher, made it clear that she expected perfection and it drove my daughter to anxiety attacks and OCD. Once we switched to another kinder teacher, one who expected them to try their best, but not perfection, and it went MUCH better.

Good luck! Hope I helped!

This sentence has me wondering:
'I'm only trying to teach her what she don't know yet.'
There's just a hint of expectation, on your part, or her part, but probably starting with you, that you must be there during homework.
I am of an older generation that had zero help with homework. I knew my parents knew more than I did but there's something about youth that they assume they know it all, and that gives them strength. They need it too. It's vital to growing up.
I would walk away, literally. If she begs you to come back say 'I have something to do and will check back in 5 minutes, keep working on it.'
Wait until she's 20 and won't leave home, expecting you to feed and house her and drive her places because she can't figure out how to save her small starting salary, and when you try to help her with a budget she yells at you to stop telling her what to do.

Better yet, I recently received some advice from my mother-in-law who is a retired teacher. I have been having similar problems with my son who is 10. She suggested to use the opposite approach. Have him teach me his homework. It gives them great satisfaction to be able to show how smart they are rather than arguing. His grades have improved dramatically since we started this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Better yet, I recently received some advice from my mother-in-law who is a retired teacher. I have been having similar problems with my son who is 10. She suggested to use the opposite approach. Have him teach me his homework. It gives them great satisfaction to be able to show how smart they are rather than arguing. His grades have improved dramatically since we started this.

I wish I could give this more than one greenie. Best advice on this thread.

I'm learning that this is the approach that works best with my son as well. Instead of demanding, or "teaching", and starting a fight, I let him teach me. It makes him feel important, and actually makes him want to learn so that he can be the teacher, the one that knows things, other than the one that has to be taught things.

We've started this approach. We just started it recently, I'm talking days, but I've already noticed a huge improvement.

I love this approach. Little J's self esteem has increased dramatically. He's gotten to the point that he can't wait to get home from school and do his homework so that he can "teach you how smart I got today."

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I love this approach. Little J's self esteem has increased dramatically. He's gotten to the point that he can't wait to get home from school and do his homework so that he can "teach you how smart I got today."

Jared is a bit older than your J, and Jared also has ADHD. Homework time has always been a battle. You remember the last one, it was only a few days ago, his project in social.

He had to build a diorama depicting the war of 1812, and he had to write an essay about it. He asked for my help (I didn't butt in and insist on helping), and everything went very badly. It ended in a huge fight, just like it always has when homework is concerned.

So we cooled off, we each stepped back from the project, and then I talked to all of you, and wrote an email to his social teacher. She's the one that suggested that I let him teach me. That I sit and help, but that I let him direct me when it came to the diorama, and that I have him teach me about the war of 1812, and that my only role would be to help him put his thoughts on paper.

So we built the diorama together. I put the glue where he wanted it. I painted what he wanted. I placed everything where he wanted, and the entire time he told me why he wanted thins where he wanted them. He talked to me, instead of me yelling at him, and him yelling back. He was so proud to be able to tell me what he learned.

So that's the approach we've been taking with both kids. It's working great with Syd too. She now comes home and teaches me what she learned that day.