Ask Me Help Desk - This guy confuses me

Hi Everyone,

Ok so there is a guy I have been friends with at work for a long time and we started hanging out about a year ago. We would always talk at work but never started hanging out until he found out I liked him. Once he found out I liked him he told me we should hang out more which we do. At one point last year I was going to move to another state where my best guy friend lives. When he found out I was thinking about moving he emailed my friend and told him I wasn't moving out there and that he should move back here. So that's the first clue that made me think he liked me too. Also at work he always seems to make stupid excuses to come over and talk to me. For example I had soup one day at work and he called me on the phone and asked what I was doing... I said I was eating lunch but couldn't finish all of it and said he could have the rest if he wanted. He said No you should finish it but I'll come up and look at it. Some days I will catch him staring at me and others he can't even look at me. We just went to FL with some friends for the weekend and him and I shared a room at the hotel and my friend and her boyfriend shared a room. We all went out to the bar one night and my friends boyfriend (I did not tell him to do this) asked him if he liked me. He said No... we are just buddies. I am just very confused because everyone keeps telling me that a guy would not go away with you for a weekend and share a hotel room with you if he was not interested. One of my other guy friends also kept calling me over the weekend and each time he would call he asked who it was... at one point I was joking with him and said none of your business and he tried to grab the phone out of my hand and acted jealous. So basically I am confused and would like some other people's opinions. Could it be that he likes me but is too shy to admit it to other people? Or does he really just see me as a "buddy"?

I'm pretty confused myself. I'd say though it sounds like he likes you. But it sure does seem like he's taking a long time to say it. Back off for a while and see what he does. If he continues to come around he's probably interested.

Very confusing indeed. Chuff gave the best advice. Back off a bit and see how he reacts. Good luck.

Joe

I don't want to confuse the issue further, but I felt I had to chip in as I've been in your guy's exact position if he likes you. I was a very, very shy guy in my teen and early 20s without any experience with opposite sex. So here is some insight into clueless shy guys:

1. How did he find out you liked him? He may be waiting for some "official" sign from you.

2. Had one of your friends asked me if I liked you I probably would have responded the same way unless I was really comfortable with your friend, and in my mental framework it would have been true if we hadn't kissed or touched or done some other "official" act that people who aren't just friends do.

2. In my similar situation, I was scared to death of doing something too forward that would possibly offend my love interest and ruin it and I waited and waited for "just the perfect moment" that seemed mutually comfortable to express my interest. The "right" moment never came and I was miserable for years because I didn't want to risk screwing up a friendship. So, if your guy is really shy and has trouble expressing his feelings, you may need to make the first move, but be very gently about, don't just blurt out "I love you" or you'll make him feel awkward. If you two are hugging, telling him "I really like you, how do feel about me?" with a cheek kiss after a hug would also be good. You'll need to make him feel safe and do things to coax him out of his shell. He may be absolutely terrified of rejection but doesn't know how to proceed.

3. I spent a weekend sharing a room with my love interest and didn't make a move out of respect. I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of circumstances.

4. I'm also a very logical person and romantic interests are usually an internal battle for me between my heart and head. He may still be assessing his opinion of you and trying to determine if the possible pain of rejection is worth the possible reward or if you are the "One".

5. Backing off would have only confused me. I would have been looking for consistent clear signs that she really likes me.

So, I'd suggest you confront him alone and in a non-threatening way. If he has never had a girlfriend, you might also be prepared to gently thwart awkward physical contact if you aren't ready to be intimate with him yet. You may flip a switch in him.

Also, please don't spend too much time making yourself miserable wondering. If he doesn't like you, accept it, and lavish your attention on a guy that does, you'll both be happier.

I think Scleros hit the nail on the head.

It all makes sense because he appeared interested in you when he found out you were interested in him. But if he's shy or new to the dating game he the last thing he wants to do is turn you off.

If that is the case in this situation I think you officially found one of the good guys.

Thanks so much for your responses! Actually this week I did back off a little and it seems whenever I do that he comes around more like he doesn't want me to ignore him. To answer your question Scleros, he found out I liked him from my best guy friend and as soon as he found out he said we should hang out more. So he definitely knows that I like him because my friend told him and also from over the weekend my friend's boyfriend asked him if he liked me and that's when he said “No we are just buddies”. I was there when he said No we are just buddies and my friend's boyfriend was like “Well she obviously likes you” and I said “Yeah I do”. So he knows for sure. Some of my friends think that maybe he is just too shy to admit that he likes me because from his actions it really does seem like he does like me. I know he had dated a girl for about two and a half years.. they broke up about two years ago and he hasn't dated anyone since. I get the impression that she was his only girlfriend so I don't think he has had much experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy121

I know he had dated a girl for about two and a half years..they broke up about two years ago and he hasn’t dated anyone since. I get the impression that she was his only girlfriend so I don’t think he has had much experience.

You know if he's shy or not even shy but got burned really bad by the ex that might also explain some of this. He might like you as well but be fighting the feeling of getting burned again so he's trying to take it slow to protect himself from any hurt. You be gentle with this guy, I'll say it again, I think he's one of the good guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

You know if he's shy or not even shy but got burned really bad by the ex that might also explain some of this. He might like you as well but be fighting the feeling of getting burned again so he's trying to take it slow to protect himself from any hurt. You be gentle with this guy, I'll say it again, I think he's one of the good guys.

True... I am beginning to think maybe he does like me but is scared of being in a new relationship and won't admit his feelings. Because honestly if I were him and I knew someone liked me and I didn't like them back I would try to stay away from them to give them the clue that I wasn't interested. But he is doing the opposite.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy121

True...I am beginning to think maybe he does like me but is scared of being in a new relationship and won't admit his feelings. Because honestly if I were him and I knew someone liked me and I didn't like them back I would try to stay away from them to give them the clue that I wasn't interested. But he is doing the opposite.

I agree because from your original post he sure does seem like he likes you. Also since you are pulling back and he continues his pursuit. Perhaps you should invite him on more group outings, perhaps he's comfortable in that environment.

Be patient and be willing to go slow with this guy. He is interested all right, but is in no hurry. Niether should you be so just take it at a pace he is comfortable with, as you get to know each other better. Enjoy with no pressure.