Ask Me Help Desk - My ex came back after 4 years

Hello everyone,

I'm having a pretty hard time, and would like some advice.
4 years ago I was in a relationship and it end very bad. He broke up with me. Horrible, he broke my heart and it took me a long time to get over it but I did and I moved on. He was my first love, and I hold no grudges against him.

4 almost 5 years have past. Well 3 weeks ago, I receive a random phone call in the middle of the night. HIM, I was so surprised because I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. He called because he said he wanted to make amends. We talked he cried and we forgave each other for the heart break we both caused each other. I invited him over so we could discuss it face to face. He took a taxi and came over, we discussed and we hugged. The closure I needed I got. He ended up staying the night, we were intimate. I thought well maybe that's what he wanted and he would leave after I gone to work. He ended up staying the whole week, and it was wonderful. He said he need to go home because his friend was having a get together so I drove him back home, he invited me but I declined because I was uncomfortable. I thought it was over then. He called again in the night and asked me to come get him, I did and again we spent another week together. He made it very clear he did not want a relationship with me. And that we should just be friends the first week. He said we couldn't trust each other and he had no feelings for me and we shouldn't date. I accepted. The 3rd week we casually saw each other and genuinely had a good time. Despite saying we should only be friends he would hold my hand, kiss me sweetly things that made me confused. Then we decided to go out and go for drinks. Everything was fine we were having a good time, he left to the bathroom and said I hope no one approaches you because I have a bad temper.(again confusing me). Then the shocking part. He saw his ex and goes and approaches his ex.(he told me he still had feelings for his ex). I just walked out and left, I didn't know what to do.

I talked to him yesterday and he tells me he is back with his ex, and he is sorry if he hurt my feelings because it wasn't his intention. He said he really just wants to be friends. I wished him the best for him and his ex(now b/f). I asked him if he would ever give me another chance and he said ever is a long time and he can't predict the future, these vague comments confuse me.

Why would he come back after 4 years of not seeing or speaking to each other, just to do this? It confuses me and breaks my heart. I honestly care about him and I wish him the best. I just don't understand. If he had feelings for his ex why would he come back to me after 4 years, just to break my heart again.

Thank you for reading.

I am confused. What did he do that you yourself didn't allow. From him getting back in touch, to you giving him attention and sex. I mean he said there was no INTENTION of a relationship. You should have stopped contact when he called for amends.

So you broke your own heart, by the choices you made, and followed your heart, instead of your head. Now you must mend that heart yet again. Did we learn something this time? I hope so, because running into the same brick wall that hurt you before makes little sense at all, right?

So don't say he broke your heart, again. You allowed it and had the facts before you, but you ignored them.

My situation is a little awkward.

My ex broke up with me 5 years ago (EXTREMELY messy breakup, mostly on my part). We had NC for 4 years. About 2 months ago he calls me out of nowhere and wanted to make amends. I invited him over. Long story short he ended up staying for 3 weeks at my place. He told me from the beginning he did not love me anymore, and he had no feelings for me, and we should not date again so we decided to be friends. He was very caring towards me during this time which made me confused. He BORROWED a couple items of mine during this period. He ended up getting back with his most recent ex. I support him in whatever he wants to do (although hurt that he would come back after all this time to just get back with his ex). I tried being friendly and asked him for my stuff 3 times. He said he would return them to me. The third time he told me he would mail them to me since I live in NJ and he lives in NY(really only a 1 hour bus ride). But I have yet to hear from him or receive my stuff and it has been a month. The last time I asked him for my stuff was 2 weeks ago. I have not heard from him since (even though he was the one who really wanted us to be friends)

I want him to be happy in whatever he does. I understand he is dating someone else right now that is why I do not want to keep bothering him. He stated he has no feelings for me anymore (which is kind of weird because he said he would check my FB to avoid me even though we have no mutual friends and hang out in different areas but then stating he saw my pictures and noticed I was in a few relationships). He is a nice guy.

I don't really know why he won't return my stuff. Its kind of weird. If he is done with me(i.e has no feelings, love) why drag it out..

Is it stuff you really need?

He is wth someone else so it's kind of obvious he is done with you. Forget about him and move on. He may have just needed a place to stay. It seems rude that he has not returned your things, but you need to forget about him.

If it's stuff that you really don't need, I would forget about the stuff and him, and move on!

Seems kind of odd that he would borrow stuff from you and stay with you for three weeks, but really it's not worth the trouble if its stuff that can be replaced.

Hmm,

The things hold some sentimental value to me(like a limited edition bag). He lives with his family so I do not think it was about somewhere to stay. Some days he would go home to pick up stuff for school and then come back afterwards.

He is with someone else and over me, I understand that. What I don't understand is why he was pushing so hard for us to be friends and since he was doing that why not return my belongings like he said he would.

I don't know except he is just rude.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ldd12

If it's stuff that you really don't need, I would forget about the stuff and him, and move on!

Seems kinda odd that he would borrow stuff from you and stay with you for three weeks, but really it's not worth the trouble if its stuff that can be replaced.

The staying for 3 weeks is a weird situation. I thought he just wanted to make amends and do the deed. So I was expecting him to leave the next day since he got what he wanted. But He ended up staying for the week (his friends and parents called but he ignored them) I ended up driving him to his friends house at the end of the week for a housewarming party and he ended up calling again after going home and changing clothes and spent another week he had class and stuff so he would go back and forth. The third week he was more back and forth because of clients and school.

The things were a beanie that was a gift from my friend and a limited edition bag I got in korea.

Being "friends" I naturally assume he would have the mind to give them back...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't know except he is just rude.

It does seem very rude. I understand people change over a course of 4 years, he never used to be like this.
It is kind of weird, if you read my other post. While he was with me during those 3 weeks he was very nice and caring towards me. He cleaned my apartment for me while I was at work, he would kiss me goodbye, he helped me study for my exam, I got drunk one night and asked him to call me a cab and he ended up taking the cab with me and paying for it (100$) cab ride from NY to NJ. He introduced me to all his friends and his hangout spots. I had my mothers car at the time and I let him drive since I don't like driving in the city(We drove to his house but he took a detour and showed me where he was moving to). Even though he said he doesn't have feelings for me it felt like maybe he might have had "some" feelings. Also I have never heard of anyone actively checking an exes Facebook to see where they check in to deliberately avoid them.

Well he sounds like a friend but one that does not have respect for your things, otherwise he would give them back. Why would he have your bag and a beanie? What would he do with those things?
Tell him you want your stuff then he can go his merry way, or at least drop them off at his parents house and you pick them up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am confused. What did he do that you yourself didn't allow. From him getting back in touch, to you giving him attention and sex. I mean he said there was no INTENTION of a relationship. You should have stopped contact when he called for amends.

So you broke your own heart, by the choices you made, and followed your heart, instead of your head. Now you must mend that heart yet again. Did we learn something this time?? I hope so, because running into the same brick wall that hurt you before makes little sense at all, right?

So don't say he broke your heart, again. You allowed it and had the facts before you, but you ignored them.

Thank you Talaniman. I appreciate the advice.
I guess I can't say he broke my broke my heart again since I let him come back.

I was just really confused why he would come back after all these years of not talking and be caring towards me even though he did not have feelings for me.
=/

I would just forget about your stuff,a beanie and a bag, are just not worth the trouble you have been going through to get it back. It's nice that you two were able to spend some time together after not talking for four years, but the whole situation of him staying for three weeks, ignoring friends and family when they called, and stealing/borrowing random things and now returning is very odd! Didn't he have a girlfriend during the time he was staying at your place? I think if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't of even let him stay at my place in the first place..

He did it because you allowed him to. An ex is an ex... go no contact again, and NEVER do it again. Next time, tell him to back off. This was a bad idea, but a great learning experience, from now on, make the right choice and ignore a request like this in the future, from ANY ex.