Ask Me Help Desk - Did he or didn't he?

My sister has accused my husband of raping her... She told me 6 months after the alleged incident happened (5months after we stopped helping her financially) I remember asking her if they had had an affair because of the Nasty things he was saying about her and she said no and then comes out saying this! My husband denies anything happened whether it was consensual or not... She won't talk to me at all about it until I have left him

I think your sister got pissed because you stopped helping her with money,why would your sister want to hurt you?if your husband isn't reacting like your sister is,then there's your answer... your sister is a money hungry...

If it is uncharacteristic of your sister to make such an accusation out of spite, and if she is othewise not a drama queen, I would take what she said as being possible truthful.

Has your sister talked to your mother and/or father about this? Was this information just given to you? Has she been to a Doctor or had any counselling? Do you see any signs that she has changed, or has had more difficulty in coping with life than she normally would? Is she willing to sit down and talk to you and provide more information so that you can get a sense of whether there is any truth to it, without actually having to leave your husband in order to get the information you need.

If she IS telling the truth, you need to get to the bottom of it. To side with your husband without the knowledge to do so, means you pretty much have to abandon your sister, perhaps when she needs you the most.

If she isn't telling the truth, then your husband has been subject to a viscious, damaging lie, that has affected your marriage.

If it turns out your husband is lying about either a possible rape, or affair, with your sister, then you have some decisions to make about living with such a man.

It could be bad news; life changing in fact, should your sister be telling the truth of either a rape, or as you suspect, an affair, with your husband. But either way, without getting to the truth, I don't see any way of accepting, or rejecting, one story over the other.

It isn't fair to expect total strangers to make such a weighty judgment based on so little information.
There is the possibility that both are lying to you, right?
You may never know the truth, whether there was sex or not, and if there was, whether is was rape or consensual. Only the three of you know all the many little details that are the basis for which we form opinions about truth. Did she entice him to get money, did he lie to her to get sex, did she blackmail him when he said no more, did he cut her off when she wanted even more money, did he rape her, did she make it all up, or even, was there some huge confusion involving alcohol and a moment neither remembers clearly?
If having a very close personal talk with each one separately gives you no clue where the truth lies, you have to somehow tell yourself that you may never know and need to make a decision regarding how to deal with each of them. If you can keep your love for both intact, more power to you.

While not 100 percent, why not go to a investigation firm and hire someone to do a lie detector test on both husband and sister.

Ive been married 21 yrs and believe this... you know when your spouse is lying too you!! No husband would remain so calm and un worried if he was guilty!! Your sister refuses to even speak to you,unless you leave your husband,your sister has a lot to loose financially so my opinion is she panicked about how she was going to get $$$$ since you stopped helping her.its not rocket science,your husband has a lot too loose including his wife,trust me,behavior is always the key to who's telling the truth and who's not!! And from what you have said about your sisters behavior and your husband behavior,your sister is guilty as sin!!

I have worked with mentally distrubed adults for over 20 yrs,from bypolar to suicidal people!! Your sister fits right in the "parinoid scysophania" level!
And another thing I've always done and I was correct,was going with my gut feeling!! If something bothers you,no matter how many times others have explained etc,and your gut is telling you something else,go with your gut!! Good luck

Thank you for all your answers I will reply individually as I have the chance and can get near the computer long enough :)

Somebody is lying, sit them down and let them state there case face to face. Accusations and denial have to be founded in facts, and they both have strong motives to lie. I would interrogate them both and see who makes sense to you. YOU know them both, what does your gut tell you?

Quote:

She won't talk to me at all about it until I have left him

That raises hackles on the back of my neck. Its BS, since breaking up your marriage before she discusses it sounds very suspicious to me. She talks now, or gets the hell out of your life.

I know its not fair to ask total strangers about this but I had really no one to voice it too and was going insane... I kind of expected no one to reply

I knew something was up when he received a phone calll at 2 am one night with someone saying "his whole world is going to burn" he accused me that it was my doing and so I spent the next month thinking "wtf have I done" and then a month later it was my husbands and my 12 wedding anniversary and we went away for the night (Dec 17th) whilst the kids stayed at my mums (my sister stayed there with her kids that night too) and as she had been avoiding everyone and literally running away for days at a time my family had decided enough was enough and she apparently told them what had occurred on the night of June 17th 2011 with my husband and it was left at that.. Then 3 days went by and whilst I was making cupcakes for the kids end of year parties he got another phone call (he took it upstairs) anyway I realised he was gone for quite a while and went to investigate. He had just gotten off the phone to my sisters ex and he told me "Your sister is accusing me of rape" I felt everything in me drop at that point and went downstairs and called my mum.. I said is it true? "she says yes" anyway I told her I had to go as I had to finish icing the cupcakes. So I went into denial avoided everyone until the new year and barely got through christmas (first xmas in years that I didn't spend with my family when they were all in the same state)

So anyway over the next few weeks he went from denial and then something "may of happened" but it wasn't rape and when I asked him about the "may of happened" he denied he had even said that. So anyway he suggested a separation so we can deal with it and I said "i think that is best" (I think he was waiting for me to beg him to stay) Anyway he did a complete turn around and went back into fully fledging denying anything happened and said that we can't separate because our kids wouldn't understand (our oldest has Asperger's) and that we needed to stay together through this and he was going to take my sister to court for defamation charges. I called his bluff and said someone needs to do something "either she is to charge him with rape or him to charge her with defamation" And things were left at that..

It has now been six months since the allegations and one year since it allegedly happened and I rarely get to see my family. My Husband went back to India for 3 weeks because all we did was fight on everything.

I don't know what is real and what is not real as my perceptions of reality was long gone shot years ago before this had even occurred and even now when I am making plans to leave him I fear that he will take the kids back to India and I will never see them again because of how dysfunctional he perceives me and my family. I had been in counselling because of all this but now the counsellors are trying to convince me that I have been in an controlling, emotionally, physically and socially abusive relationship for the last 12 years and I still don't see it as I have made him put up with a lot from me over the years.

Thanks for your replies and I am so sorry that I took so long to reply.

What a dilemma, or crisis is more accurate. It's a devastating thing to go through, and will take a long hard healing to over come. I think the best path is to do what ever it takes to protect you, and your children from the dysfunctional actions of others by building a happy and secure future without these negative people in your lives.

If you are an American citizen, the first course of protecting you and your children is through the court to ensure you get the full protection of the law. Are you an American citizen?

If not a general location will help with the rest of my opinion to heal, and protect yourself from your FEARS, by first evaluating your own security. Both in status of citizenship, and financial independence. Can you support yourself, or do you?

The most key concern for you is extract yourself from a potentially, "controlling, emotionally, physically and socially abusive " relationship. If your counselors are helping you to see, this - listen! Find the place inside of you where some of this is true. -- it doesn't matter what he had to put up with from you. Your guilt is not serving you and you are living in a state of denial because you think denial protects you.

Choose to see the truth. Your husband is displaying classical signs of lying and manipulating especially after he told you that "something may have happened" -- in the end you cannot know, unless you choose to believe your sister. What's more important is you being safe and in a healthy non-toxic relationship.

Don't listen to armchair analysis from strangers pillorying your sister's character or deciding with no information whatsoever that she has schizophrenia or is a gold digger due to her serious cry for help about rape. These opinions are not important -- trust yourself -- if you're afraid of him and afraid he will steal your children and you know that he has a history of lying and manipulating you -- something needs to change! Obviously if he feels you're dysfunctional there's a serious breech in what constitutes your healthy relationship. Seek legal counseling as well to see what your rights are in your area. (you may be able to do this for free through a women's shelter)