Ok, here's the deal: I'm in my late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. We've been dating for several years. We live together. After about the first year of dating, our sex life went downhill. When sex became less frequent, I asked him if there was something wrong. He said "no." When sex continued to be less and less frequent, I asked him about it. He always gave me the excuse of his anti-anxiety medication. I started checking his computer, saw that he was looking at porn every time I wasn't home (including a two-hour trip to a coffee shop to study). I confronted him about it, and he swore it would never happen again. So now he wipes his computer constantly. What should I do? I feel like such an idiot. I love the guy. Our relationship is so wonderful in every other aspect other than sex. I have a very high sex drive (would prefer sex at least every other day), but have tried to compromise with him (twice a week) and he still can't keep up his end of the bargain! When I really believed that his lack of sex drive was because of medication, I was willing to forgive a little. However, when I realized that he was still looking at porn frequently, I don't allow that excuse! I don't want to leave him, because I really do love him. And even after crying my eyeballs out constantly over this issue, I've still never cheated on him, and don't want things to get to that point. However, I find it harder and harder to control myself around other men. I have even asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to cheat on him, because this is where the road we are on is leading me. Of course, he says no, and that I'm being crazy (typical for a guy to say), and tells me that things will change. But they never do!
Ahhh... OK now that that is off my chest, here are my questions: Does anyone have advice on how to get the point across that I am going to leave him if things don't improve, without coming off as a crazy whore? Also, if things don't improve, should I cheat on him? I have a couple of hot studs that totally want me. Kidding, but I could certainly start looking.

This may seem harsh but it isn't meant to be.

How often are you actually having sex? When you do have sex is it because you pressured him into it? Do you ever back off and allow him time to come to you? Do you have non-sexual intimate times?

How stressing is the rest of his life? Does he feel under pressure from family, friends, work, etc.

This is what I see wrong from what you said:

1. He has an anxiety problem.
2. He is on medications for his anxiety problem.
3. You are putting pressure on him to have sex and that may be causing his medical issues to become worse and for him to shut down.
4. A person doesn't have to look at porn to masturbate. Some people look at it for another form of entertainment or ideas. Some people with libido issues use it as a form of self-medicating to try to figure out why they aren't as interested in sex as they (or their partners) think they should be. Take away porn and it probably won't fix the problem. Making sure you don't find out probably adds to it.

Stop acting like his mother and checking his computer for porn. Whether you find it or not, it is still going to affect your feelings and thoughts. Best to let it go and accept or move on.

Ask him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication if it is causing issues.

Take a look at when, how, and where you are talking to him about sex. Are you attempting to make the discussion as low stress and anxiety inducing as you can or are you confronting him, turning to emotional blackmail, and stressing him out? Are you choosing times when there are few distractions, you are calm, and he isn't feeling defensive? Do you try to pick a place where you are both comfortable that is not the bedroom? How often do you bring up the subject? How often do you 'beg' for sex?

Do you really think it helps to ask him if he wants you to cheat? Could that thought now be in the back of his mind causing more issues?

If you are tempted to cheat, leave the relationship. Don't tell him you might. Don't ask him if you should. That is game playing and emotional blackmail. Not good for either of you or the relationship. It encourages insecurities to grow causing more issues and problems. It doesn't solve anything.

His libido may be what it is. He may not want sex as much as you do. He may never be up to two times a week. It may be his medication. It may be his hormones. It could be a thousand other things. If you can't accept that his libido may be very different from yours and the rest of the relationship isn't enough, then let him go.

Don't try to hold on to something that isn't working. Don't ignore issues in other areas of the relationship. Sexual problems are very rarely the only problem. Usually they are a symptom of other issues.

No, your reply isn't harsh. Your points make a lot of sense. Here is a little more information...

Lately (for the past year or so) we have been having sex 1 - 3 times per month. I usually don't pressure him until it has been 2 - 3 weeks. By pressure, I mean that I either try to initiate, or ask if we can schedule a night during the coming week for us to have sex. Often times, I'm either turned down, or he is tired, or something else gets in the way. So, yes, in my opinion, I do back off and give him time to come to me. I've actually gone several months without trying to mention sex, or even trying to initiate sex. This was a couple of years ago, and it didn't help. Our sex life didn't improve, and I felt like I was simply having to suffer my unhappiness in silence, which made me feel even more alone.

I realized a long time ago that emotional outbursts don't help the situation. I've tried not putting any pressure on him. However, after so long I eventually get to a point where I can't keep quiet about it anymore. I've tried talking to him in non-confrontational ways. I've even started with: "Honey, I really just want you to open up to me and be honest with me about this, because it is something that really bothers me, and that I want us to work on." While I have been very confrontational - i.e. drunken outbursts and crying, which I know, doesn't help; I have also really tried to have serious talks about it. The whole, "do you want me to cheat on you" comment was made after a night of drinking, and a month of no sex. It was wrong to say, and truly I would never cheat on him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I have asked him to speak with his therapist, and he has. She mentioned perhaps changing his medication. However, he wanted to try going to the gym and eating better to see if that would help. We've gone through phases of this, and I fully support him when he does act like he is trying to make things better. However, things still haven't changed.

As far as checking his computer for porn: I really don't care that he watches porn. I watch it myself. I only care that he blamed his low libido on his medications, but continued to look at porn literally every time I was out of the house. At the time that I did check his computer, I worked a couple of nights out of the week. Every night that I wasn't home, he looked at porn. This didn't even bother me that much. It was when I left the house one day (after we had been lounging around not doing anything all day - a perfect time for having sex) and came back two hours later to find that he had looked at porn while I was gone. Granted, I'm no psychiatrist, and don't know exactly how medication can affect sex drive. However, I know that, generally, if I have the desire to look at porn, I have the desire to have sex. Yes, there are times when you are too tired for sex. I understand that. But when someone would rather look at porn than get with you, it still stings a little bit. And he wasn't just "looking for ideas." He never denied that he masturbated when he looked at porn. All that he said when I confronted him was that he would look at it less from then on.

As far as non-sexual intimate time, we don't have much. I work 3 - 4 nights a week. However, that wasn't the case up until 4 months ago. On the nights that I am home, we spend time together, but rarely any kind of romantic time. I.e. we either go drinking with our friends or catch up on t.v.

P.s. I don't think that I am obsessed with sex. I simply enjoy it, and it is important to me. It makes me feel closer to the person I am in a relationship with. So this lack of sex, while the physical aspect of course I miss, it is more of the emotional closeness that I miss and the feeling of being desirable and attractive. It really hurts to feel like I'm not desired by someone that I love so much!

As far as any other issues that may be causing the lack of sexual intimacy - I don't know what they are. I've tried asking him to open up to me about any problems, or anything that I can do differently, or anything that is bothering him, but his answer is always - it's not you, it's me, it's nothing for you to worry about.

Is there anything else I can do? Or should I just keep going on and hope that things get better? I don't want to leave him, because I really do love him. We've talked about getting married, but I'm afraid to because of this issue. He knows my feelings about this. Any help? I don't know if it's too drastic to suggest to him, but should we go to sex therapy or something?

You're really putting a lot of pressure on him. Even if you don't realize it. As cat said, he's taking medication for anxiety. So you're putting expectations on him. I wouldn't be surprised if he has performance anxiety and he's embarrassed that you'd be disappointed in him after a session.

He is probably already walking on egg shells around you as it is. You're telling him over and over that he's not measuring up to what you expect of him. There is a vicious circle here, can you see it?

That is the crux isn't it though? There are many aspects to a relationship and, in a romantic/intimate one, sex/intimacy is quite important. You're feelings are valid to a point. You're being a bit selfish by not really understanding the position he is in. It happens. You're also starting to feel a little resentment here. Maybe more than a little.

Okay, what can we do? Is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? Have you gone to the doctor to try and figure out what is causing his libido drop? Is it truly the anxiety medication? Is this a deal breaker?

Also a little wisdom, A drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts.

I have said what you have said and I feel what you feel... Nothing is working for me either. :(

LonelyinBed, I can completely relate to you problem. I'm 29 and been with my (now husband) 9 years total, 2 1/2 of those years we've been married. We are great together besides this one issue. And we've pretty much had this problem since the beginning. I think my husband honestly has a low libido and there's not much I can do. But in my mind I always have hope things will get better (probably just wishful thinking). I've been reading this site for months now and all the advice has made me realize I was going about it the wrong way. I can see that I was putting pressure on him and probably saying things that were hurtful. It's hard to back off and let there be less pressure but I've realized that it's better for our relationship to back off about it. It sucks cause I'm the type of person to not keep anything in and verbalize everything (bad or good). So I'm still learning to sometimes keep my feelings in, but if I do get upset I try to be careful with my words.
Anyway just to let you know you're not alone.. we have sex maybe 1-3 times a month also. I'm not overly sexual but I wish it was more like twice a week. The advice on here is usually to ease off, and they might be under stress etc etc. I get that, but I really think we are the ones who truly suffer. Not the guys. The only time they are faced with the problem is when we get upset. But we are dealing with it every time we get rejected or have the urge to be close with them but know they aren't going to want to. Also I don't think sex is a way to connect emotionally for my husband. I've tried to explain to him that I feel so much closer to him from it, but he admits that he can't relate. It is just a way to get off for him I guess. So no wonder he doesn't need it as much as I do. He says he feels closest to me by snuggling on the couch or holding hands etc. Well I can understand that and so do I, but how can he not feel closer by being sexual? Well I will stop there. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I wish there was a magic way to fix it. But I hope one day he will get better. I have to admit I'm not AS upset by it as I used to be. A lot of times I don't even think about it. But then if I get rejected, or its been 2 weeks, I start to feel rejected and lonely again.

Well to me your problem isn't a big deal... Honestly think about if you were him and were put in that situation would you talk about it? Maybe by watching pornagraphy is to notify if he's doing something wrong? I'm not sure about the pornagraphy. Honestly they should banned all those sites, it's just plain nasty... Anywho maybe you boyfriend has body issues by body issues I mean he's not comfortable with the way he looks? If that's the fact try to complement him on the way he looks or dresses. Because, man like to hear it as much as woman like to. Another thing is his medication can be too strong and the medication the level sometimes it can make man have emotional destress. Try working him in not confronting him because that just going to make him feel kind of akward, and embarrass in way, most man that that way. Or maybe he's afraid, possible afraid of getting you pregnant. Talk more, go on little dates to the movies or a dinner! Things have a way of working out. Believe if he loves you he would talk about it and be a man, but if you love him don't pressure him, tell him everythings going be okay between you to. Good Luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LonelyinBed

No, your reply isn't harsh. Your points make a lot of sense. Here is a little more information...

Lately (for the past year or so) we have been having sex 1 - 3 times per month. I usually don't pressure him until it has been 2 - 3 weeks. By pressure, I mean that I either try to initiate, or ask if we can schedule a night during the coming week for us to have sex. Often times, I'm either turned down, or he is tired, or something else gets in the way. So, yes, in my opinion, I do back off and give him time to come to me. I've actually gone several months without trying to mention sex, or even trying to initiate sex. This was a couple of years ago, and it didn't help. Our sex life didn't improve, and I felt like I was simply having to suffer my unhappiness in silence, which made me feel even more alone.

I realized a long time ago that emotional outbursts don't help the situation. I've tried not putting any pressure on him. However, after so long I eventually get to a point where I can't keep quiet about it anymore. I've tried talking to him in non-confrontational ways. I've even started off with: "Honey, I really just want you to open up to me and be honest with me about this, because it is something that really bothers me, and that I want us to work on." While I have been very confrontational - i.e. drunken outbursts and crying, which I know, doesn't help; I have also really tried to have serious talks about it. The whole, "do you want me to cheat on you" comment was made after a night of drinking, and a month of no sex. It was wrong to say, and truly I would never cheat on him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I have asked him to speak with his therapist, and he has. She mentioned perhaps changing his medication. However, he wanted to try going to the gym and eating better to see if that would help. We've gone through phases of this, and I fully support him when he does act like he is trying to make things better. However, things still haven't changed.

As far as checking his computer for porn: I really don't care that he watches porn. I watch it myself. I only care that he blamed his low libido on his medications, but continued to look at porn literally every time I was out of the house. At the time that I did check his computer, I worked a couple of nights out of the week. Every night that I wasn't home, he looked at porn. This didn't even bother me that much. It was when I left the house one day (after we had been lounging around not doing anything all day - a perfect time for having sex) and came back two hours later to find that he had looked at porn while I was gone. Granted, I'm no psychiatrist, and don't know exactly how medication can affect sex drive. However, I know that, generally, if I have the desire to look at porn, I have the desire to have sex. Yes, there are times when you are too tired for sex. I understand that. But when someone would rather look at porn than get with you, it still stings a little bit. And he wasn't just "looking for ideas." He never denied that he masturbated when he looked at porn. All that he said when I confronted him was that he would look at it less from then on.

As far as non-sexual intimate time, we don't have much. I work 3 - 4 nights a week. However, that wasn't the case up until 4 months ago. On the nights that I am home, we spend time together, but rarely any kind of romantic time. I.e. we either go drinking with our friends or catch up on t.v.

P.s. I don't think that I am obsessed with sex. I simply enjoy it, and it is important to me. It makes me feel closer to the person I am in a relationship with. So this lack of sex, while the physical aspect of course I miss, it is more of the emotional closeness that I miss and the feeling of being desirable and attractive. It really hurts to feel like I'm not desired by someone that I love so much!

As far as any other issues that may be causing the lack of sexual intimacy - I don't know what they are. I've tried asking him to open up to me about any problems, or anything that I can do differently, or anything that is bothering him, but his answer is always - it's not you, it's me, it's nothing for you to worry about.

Is there anything else I can do? Or should I just keep going on and hope that things get better? I don't want to leave him, because I really do love him. We've talked about getting married, but I'm afraid to because of this issue. He knows my feelings about this. Any help? I don't know if it's too drastic to suggest to him, but should we go to sex therapy or something?

---

This is an old thread but I read it all & I'm interested to know how you went & has there been any changes?

In my opinion & I'm not a professional, but I don't think you're being selfish in any way! It was fine for the first 12 months! Its really not a fair situation for you, sex is one of few of life's pleasures that's also free & for him to be withholding that from you is just wrong!

It's not the medication or anxiety or any other excuse he's made up. Men whi want to have sex with their partners into their 90's! It was fine for 12 months, maybe he's just not that into you anymore?

At the end of the day it is his problem & he's making it your problem without any explanation. He's being selfish!

Men tend to not communicate their feelings & if he's not into you anymore he won't just come out & say it but life is miserable until someone does something unforgivable or wises up & leaves the unhappy situation.

My boyfriend & I have had a similar problem for the last 2 months, only had sex like 3 times! We've had colds the flu you name it, but I'm still keen & not happy about it! If your still on here please let me know how your going!

She hasn't been back in over a year -