I need help deciding if I should end my marriage
I have been married 8 years... two wonderful sons with my husband... helped raise his two kids from previous marriage. For the first 6 years I feel I gave 110 percent... ran his kids wherever they needed to be... went to their school things... took care if them 80 percent of the time while my husband and his ex wife worked... went out... hunting or whatever... when I had my first son... premature... I gave up normal bedtimes for him... alone time w him as a baby to tend to my step kids... their mom chose to be involved when she wanted to but was rude verbally to me if I didn't pick up her slack. I found out that my husband was giving her money behind my back... she would always make comments to me that he was different in a good way when I wasn't around. Which explained why they never had conversations in front of me. He never stood up for me.
Then his daughter who lives with us started being extremely disrespectful to me for almost three years... sometimes in front of my husband... he never defended me or more importantly taught her it's not right to treat anyone that way. After the second time she hit me I demanded she move to her moms. He did make her do that. My husband is controlling... I haven't taken girls trips w my friends of 12 years. He questioned my every move when I would go to dinner w friends which was not very often. He takes two week hunting trips every year... I keep his two kids during that time. Two years ago I caught him having a very nasty online affair which they did make plans to see each other... don't know if they ever did.
Last may I told him I was done... wanted a divorce... I started counseling... and an affair. Sounds like weird timing I know. I felt very alone and this person I had the affair with was sweet, caring, we laughed together and he has solid beliefs of life and relationships that I respect. My husband found out about my affair and he immediately said he wanted to go to counseling. So he and I have been going for six months... he has made changes to be around more and help more with the kids.
But here is my dilemma... I am afraid after so many years of us not tending to our marriage I have pulled away so far from him I can't get back... I have felt this way for five years... way before my affair. He calls me a worthless whore, no good mother piece of trash now when I have told him I don't think I love him anymore. I don't trust him. And I cringe if he wants to touch me. The other added problem is we have a beautiful life... outside looking in it looks great. So I struggle w do I take this unity of secureness from my boys? And then some days I say... I know that they have to feel the tension from me due to my severe unhappiness... wats the lesser of the two evils.
I am a good person... so is my husband... I don't hate him... but I am a loving compassionate person that he has never been able to make me completely happy... since day one. So I sit here everyday wondering what should I do... we see two counselors... one has hope we can work through it if he can reach a place where he respects me... the other says sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. I want my boys to have a happy healthy childhood and I don't know what direction to go.
Affair, online affair, lies... where does a marriage go from here
Here I am in ambivalence not knowing what to do and my husband doesn't understand why because in his eyes even though it took 6 years to make the changes he should have forever ago, I just don't know if I respect him or have enough in me to continue...