My ex fiancé and I still in love after 25 years
First let me start by saying that this is one of the hardest things that I could do. I don't have any close friends to speak of so I am looking for some advice, empathy or reality. Not sure which one I'll get but here goes.
This story begins 30 years ago. It was my sophomore year in high school and that spring I met the person that would captivate me for the rest of my life. This person was the sister of one of my best friends. She was not like every other girl. She was quiet, smart, intelligent and loved and adored her mother who she called her best friend. I was sitting at my friends house one day when I saw her looking at me and as our eyes met it was as if I could see inside of her and what I saw was a beautiful spirit. I fell her in that instant. Over the next 2 1/2 years we spent every spare moment together. I loved her and she loved me and that was all that mattered. She had been my first and greatest love. It was so pure and honest. There was nothing we wouldn't do for each other. She was the first I knew as I was for her.
Many people wondered why I was with her saying that I could do better, they did not know her as I did. They could not see who she was on the inside and how beautiful she was to me. You see I was one of the popular guys. Considered to be pretty handsome and able to get the prettiest girl. That did not matter to me I cared and loved her. To me she was beautiful enough. After high school I told her that I wanted to marry her but that I was going into the military. I told her when I got back we would be married. While in the military something happened to me and I became what I can best describe as crazy. I started hanging out with the wrong friends and got into some crazy things. I even called my ex and broke off our engagement. This crushed her. She could not understand why I was doing this. I couldn't give her a good other than to say that there was someone else. Yes I know stupid. But when I tell you I was crazy I must have been. I had started drinking and using drugs while in the service. Some heavy stuff to hallucinogenics even. I know crazy and stupid. Am I blaming this as the cause I don't know. After 3 years I got out of the service and went back home. While there I cleaned up my act and my thought started to go back to my ex again. I had started a relationship with someone I met at one of my jobs upon returning and we were getting serious I guess. But still never stopped thinking about my ex. Things were not going as I had hoped with my present girl and I even called it off with her since I thought she was to possessive. With my mind clear and still thinking of my ex realized that the craziness had worn off and I was in my right mind again and still madly in love with her.
It was early fall and I decided that I could not live with her. She was my soul-mate, my true love. I girded myself up and decided to go see her at her mothers house where she still lived. However my sister informed me that she was already married to someone else. I could not believe it. Now I know that my sister was one of those that thought I could do better than my ex. I often told her she just has to get to know her and her mind would be changed. Anyway went to see my ex and she wasn't there at the time. I sat at the kitchen table just talked to her mother about things while I waited for her to get back. Her mother always believed that we would be together. While sitting there I saw her come in with the guy I thought she married. We just looked at each other and time froze for an eternity it seemed. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and my heart was shattered in that moment. This is how she must have felt when I did the same to her.
She was so hurt. There was nothing that I thought could hurt more. Eyes welling up with tears I quietly got up and left. I was heartbroken and blamed myself for killing my chance at happiness. Not wanting to be alone anymore I got back with the girl I just broke up with and we were engaged to be married. We have been married for 24 years now and have 6 children. It has not been a perfect marriage but it has not been a completely unhappy one. She is a good woman that fiercely looks out for her children almost to a fault.There was a while where I even I even thought I was competing with the kids for her affections. Yes I know that sounds bad. She is the mother of my children and she has every right to care for them with all that she has. I believe that I am her true love but for 24 years I must admit that I have not been able to get rid of my feelings for my ex. I love my wife and she has done a lot to support me and raise the children. I have over the years attempted to see what happened to my ex. The Internet and Facebook turned up empty.
Why I did this? Well something did not seem right. I still had such strong feelings for her.I would have thought that after all of this time it would have diminished. I held a special place in my heart for my ex and locked her and all she was to me there. I could not get her out or my heart entirely you see. I have provided for our kids and have been a good father to them. Much better than mine was to me. I have attempted to adore my wife but she has been off by my advances as odd and weird. I can't understand that I just wanted to get close to her. Things have gotten OK between us over time but I can't ever really remember us having a passionate love. There was only one time I had that in my life and that was with my ex.
Here is where the story takes a turn for the confusing. My ex over the years has tried to contact me to see what I am up to as well, she being married as long as I had, and recently was able to find me via an art forum I belong to. She e-mailed me with a praise on my work. I did not recognize her name at first but noticed that the name was hyphenated and similar to my ex's. I replied and my suspicion was confirmed. We exchanged some friendly, awkward e-mails for a couple of days. Finally I came right out and asked her what happened between us. Come to find out were married a month apart. She told me that she heard I had returned and was seeing someone else. You see she had hoped we would get back together and was waiting for me to come to her. Upon hearing this she lost all hope and the guy that lived in the 3rd floor apartment showed kindness to her. She told me that she was desperate to get out of her present situation so she agreed to marry him. I told her about my breaking up with the girl I was seeing and coming to ask her to marry me but that I was told she was already married. When I saw her coming in to her mothers house to ask to marry her and saw her with the guy I thought it was over. I told her about what I was told and she told me she had not yet been married and that she would have broken it off with him and married me if I pursued further. She told me that she also has never stopped thinking and loving me over the years. She told me she has had 3 children and that she loves her husband but that the deep love is missing from their relationship.
I was furious because I believed a lie perpetrated on purpose. I could not recall because of the passage of time and questioned my mother. I asked her if it was my sister and her silence spoke the truth to me. If not for that I would have been with the woman I loved with all my heart. I am not angry at my sister just resigned.
I took the opportunity of renewing our connection to ask forgiveness for the way I wronged her and caused her heart to be broken. I cried wept over the e-mails being to afraid to see her in person. We talked on the phone some and she told me that she decided to really seek me out after she found out she had a heart condition that only gave her 5 years to live.She wanted to set things right with people and I was at the top of the list. She loved me all these years and wanted to let me know before it was to late. She has been under medications and getting treatment and has outlived her doctor's predictions. Her heart is strong and doing well. We poured out our true feelings to each other. We both know that this is wrong in that we are both married. But still had to get these things out there. I arranged to meet her for a few minutes as I didn't think it would be safe to spend any significant time with each other without complications. She told me I might not be happy with what I saw since she had gotten older and grayer. I told her don't be silly.
We met and she nervously got out of her car and I as well. I looked at her as she looked at me and then put her head down. She did that a lot those oh so many years ago. She looked up again and there was the same spark. I saw her from the inside out. Instantly she became that young lady I fell in love with. The years faded from her face to me and all I could see was the person I fell for. We talked for a few minutes and I gently hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. I said my good bye's and told her I'd like to stay in touch. I want to build a friendship with her and not lose her from my life but find that my passion for her is so strong I don't know what to do. So far our marriages and fear of hurting our spouses is a restraining force. We hope and wish for a different situation and tell each other that there is no telling what the future may hold for us. I told her I would wait to the end of time for her and for the situation to be right where no one is hurt if need be. She echoed the same.
Please help My heart is aching and I feel like my life has bee one grand Shakespearean Tragedy.
