Hello,
I am also new to this site. My 28 yr. old son hates me, and I mean really hates me.
As a boy I gave him all I could within my budget. He was going to a Christian school which was expensive but I wanted the best for him. This is a very long and sad story so bare with me.
Well when I got married his father abandoned us both, I was two months pregnant. His father left and never took care of him, never called and divorced me. On the divorce papers he put that there were no children involved in the marriage. Two years later I met a man that wanted to marry me, well I thought to myself that maybe he could play the father figure, but that man started of being good to my boy but around the age of 5 he started verbelly abbusing my son and me. He used to force me to have sexual relations in a brutally manner, but at that time my dad started getting very sick, with parkins and altzheiemers so I stayed with this man cause I didn't drive and I needed to get my dad to a doctor. Years passed by, my son stated growing listening to this man screaming and yelling and cursing to both of us.
Ill never forget the day that my son told me just like... I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT THERE'S NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I Don't THINK OF YOU DYING. YOU , YOU ARE A USELESS PICE OF CRAP, A WASTE OD SPACE. He turned 28 years old on April 3 2012 and my son hates me more day by day. I have not seen him in over three years.
My father passed away and 3 and a half years ago my mother died. I am now all alone. Just my pets to call family.
And I just keep calling prayer lines to ask for prayers to get my son back in my life. I don't want him to live with me cause he's now a man and to tell you the truth I'm scared of him.
My life is completely destroyed, I feel useless like he use to tell me. Im very sick now. I livein a very small studio that is in bad condition. I have called everywhere asking for afforadable housing but they won't help me.
Can someone advise me please?
Im very ill I feel very weak and with no family or friends that are willing to give me a helping hand.
If I have called help lines? Churches? Yes! I have called everywhere, and no one helps me. Please advise me and pray for me that my son realizes how much I love him.
Thank you so much and blessings to you all.
Maggie

This is going to sound cruel, but you made your choices and your life and now you have to pay the price. You allow yourself to be abused, you allowed your son to be at least emotionally and verbally abused. You stayed living him him and allowed your son to have to live like that.
You can make excuses all day, but you leave, get a job and find a way to make things happen using social services for parents if you needed.

So you are now paying the price for allowing your son to be treated the way he was. Giving him "things" or "education" but when home being treated badly shows that things mattered, loved and treatment did not.

I am so very sorry for the situation you are in. As a mother I know how bad it hurts when our children are angry with us for whatever reason.

However, the abusive man you chose to stay with was a role model to your son. He effectively taught your son that it is okay and appropriate to treat you in this manner, and you allowed that to happen. I'm also sure that he is very angry with you for staying in that relationship.

It would be best for you to get into some counseling to help you through this.

Has your son ever told you why he is so angry with you, now that he is a man?

Abuse is a very complicated issue for anyone, especially on the outside looking in, without a lot of history, and a lot of understanding without judgment.

What makes your son sound like such a bitter man. Did he graduate high school, go on to college, or learn a trade? Did he marry and does he have children of his own?

What led up to the final blowout three years ago. Do you have any way to find out how he's doing now?

Do you have family or friends that can help you through this time now? Have you considered talking to a counsellor to help you?

I'm sorry you have also lost both your parents.

I hope you will post again.

We as mothers try to do the best we can for our children. Sometimes we don't always use our best judgement. People then get hurt by our actions. The post earlier written to you mentions that your boy was raised with a man that treated you terribly and that's what he learn is to treat you horrible. I'm sure your son loves you, however he also has a lot of healing to do. Don't stop praying, God will answer your prayers. It might not be what we want but what we NEED. I do pray that things will work out for you and your son, I know the pain of missing a child. I miss my 26 year old son, we don't really speak much now, but use to be very close. I still hold out for that day that we will be family once more. Until then I live with my choices in life, and he is an adult and lives with his. I keep praying one day we will have a healthy mother and son relationship. Keep reaching out to your church, get help for the abuse you and your son went through and heal those wounds, and he has to heal his.

You put up with abuse for all the wrong reasons (there is never a good one). Your son could have gone to public school, most do! Even not learning how to drive strikes me as such a strange and passive trade for abuse. Or you and your son could have moved in with your father. Or the money for school could have paid for a driver for dad. I'm sorry but I think I understand your son, because of choices you made.
Being a martyr isn't what being a Christian is about. It's more like selling your soul than being a martyr anyway. A martyr crashes his plane in the trees to save the children playing in the only clearing to land, not a mother who trades convenience for happiness.

Call him and tell him you want to meet for a cup of coffee, tell him how proud you are of him.
You can ask him if he would like to meet with you again in one week, same place. Slowly but steady you will gain respect. Please be open and if he gets angry, tell him you need to leave because you don't like anger any more.
Let me know what happened.
Hugs!

The devil is getting in people's minds and
Putting hateful and cruel thoughts and
Words. I have experience with abusive
Behavior from my children. But I think
Your son is very angry at his childhood
Abuse and trestment

I agree & I know this devil,he has turned my children on their own mother & I did nothing wrong. I stayed & took care of 6 kids while he had a nice quiet life with his *$$*$!! They make so much money & we live in poverty. After 7 years on my own I am so sad,my son hates me,3 out of 6 speak to me. Why am I here? My parents died,their father left & we have no family who even want to know us.I feel like I ruined it all & he is the one who cheated. What am I going to do,I have nothing,I lost our family home,I lost their pets. No wonder I am hated so :(

I'm so sorry for your plight and will pray for you. I too did the best I could for my son (and other children). When I was 15 I was raped and this caused many problems for me - my son was the product of a night when I dissociated from the pain of my rape years before. I risked everything to bring him into the world and did whatever I could for him, even when my sister treated me as horrifyingly badly as she could - it was all I could do to beg her to bring a seat to the hospital so that I could get him home safely. He and I were very close (I thought). He then got a social disease (incurable). I think he felt no one would want him and he took up with a very UGLY young woman (I mean ugly inside mostly); this person couldn't get or hold a job and I being a fool, gave her one - the best job she ever had or ever will have. I realized she was psychotic when she started going after others in the office and started trying to remove people from my son's life. She resented that he "loves you so much he won't do anything without talking to you first". Well, she fixed that - she twisted things and told such lies that I shake as I write this. My hypocritical sister and other siblings believe what they say which is all complete lies. If not for my other children, grandchildren, husband, friends, and mostly GOD - I'm not sure where I'd be but likely gone from this earth. What has hold of my son is PURE EVIL and there's nothing I can do about it. He has now changed his last name to hers, the final straw to his demise and the ultimate step in his Stockholm Syndrome with this evil person and her family. (The parents bought them a house and keep them indebted to them and control the situation as well - very scary). I hurt so long and so deeply - the only thing that saved me is my faith. I know that God knows what He is doing and I have to trust his plan, even if it means I will never see my son again. I'm sad for my son as I know that a mother's love is irreplaceable, but I believe that God has told me that he will never again be in my life. Sometimes I hope that's not the case, but in my heart I know what I have heard. I hope that you will try to find the same peace through Jesus Christ that I have found with this. I have a literal "Jesus box" that I "put" this in (on a piece of paper) along with the other painful things in my life that I cannot change. I wish that people like you and I could get together and be "family" for each other. Love and hugs to you.

Look I am in the same situation as you. My son is 28 and hates me. My ex husband abandoned us when he was 2. Never paid child support or came to visit. I don't agree with some of the answers these people have given you. They have not walked in your shoes. I have for thirteen years. I try to focus my life on things other then my son and it is hard to do but you owe that to yourself. I am married, a housewife and we have 3 cats. I try to keep my focus on them. I also starting volunteering in Aug 2012 once a week helping homeless cats. Currently I am trying to start a very small crochet business. Making baby clothes. I will not make a lot of money but I am not letting my son ruin my life. Try doing some good things for yourself. Pray. I have also found a nice bible study that I attend once a week. And many times I have to force myself out the door. I will pray for you. Please pray for me. Jane

It is hard. My 25 year old hates me. Told me that he never wants to see me or hear from me and will get a restraining order if I try to contact him. This, after me helping him for several years. I have come to see that it is my fault because I left him when he was a child with his dad. I was pretty much absent and did not spend a lot of time with him. His father has told me this and now he tells me how worthless I was as a mother. Every day I think of suicide, but I could never go through with it. My life is just an empty shell, but I go on. I wish I had something positive to tell you, but the only thing I can say other than from my experience is that I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and because of that, I am still here. Maybe it will help you. God bless.

I realize this is an older post, but I wanted to say that I, too, was a single parent and my son, age 27, spent the majority of his childhood and so far, most of his adulthood hating me.

I think they hate the parent who stays because there is nobody else to hate.

I didn't put my son into an abusive situation but we did have frequent angry confrontations. He was displaying angry, aggressive and violent behavior toward other children by elementary school age and toward me by middle school. The confrontations were based on years of this with him refusing to change. I tried everything... counseling, etc. He'd bark with laughter at me saying, "You're poor to begin with, you have to sleep on a couch (I always took the couch and gave him the bedroom) and now I'm making you poorer by wasting your money with these idiot doctors...I just lie to them" and he'd laugh and laugh.

I couldn't control his violence, nothing helped, not counseling (as described above), not medication, not dietary changes, not long talks, not behavior charts, not consequences, not unconditional love, not spending every single resource I had on him and him alone... nothing.

He dropped out of high school, I was helpless, drained, exhausted and half-crazy myself by that time, it was daily, sometimes hourly; attacks, attacks, attacks. He'd threaten to push me down the stairs, he'd smile and tell me he was going to stab me in my sleep or set my bed on fire.

I got remarried when he was 14, became pregnant when he was 15 and he'd tell me he was going to beat me until I lost the baby.

He eventually went to live with my brother briefly at age 16, I was crying as the drove away, he grinned a giant grin and gave me the middle finger out the window.

My brother begged me to take him back within 3 months, he (my son)'s behavior was ruining my brother and girlfriend's relationship and they had no peace.

I only recently cut ties. I have had enough. I understand that abandoned children feel badly. But you know what? I was THE ONLY one who was there for him and boy was I. He's an adult now. He still refuses to get help, and it's obvious I can't help him. I'm crying writing this but this is it. No more until he can be a human being toward me, and even then it would take an awful lot of healing. I notice he's been happily accepting my birthday and Christmas checks (without ever ONCE IN HIS LIFE having acknowledged my birthday or Mother's Day)... those are done too.

I am just done.

That probably doesn't help but just to say: I see this a lot with sons whose fathers abandoned them. They blame it all on their mothers. And there's not a damned thing we can do about it. And they know it... and it becomes a habit of manipulation with them.

I say: Tough Love. Cut HIM out. He's DONE until he can treat you with common decency.