I was in a relationship with a married man.I knew it from starting and he "supposdely" going through a divorce.but after 10 month I found there was nothing and evrytym he made excuse that he wants it peacfully.and he wants to live with me.than I decided to move on.. he still say he only loves me.. its been 2 month now but I am finding myself unable to forget him.I still love him madly but I know he only played with me.he lied to me evrything.he said he didn't slept with her for months.I believed and she gave birth to his kid now.. I want to forget him but not ready for any new relation also.please help me what should I do now? all the time that thing keep bothring me that he lied to me everything and just used me.and how stupid I was.how I fell for this old game.. I'm finding myself unable to accept the truth.please help... I know I did wrong.I just wnna move on..

Love isn't what you say, love is what you do.

Him telling you he loved you meant only he wanted to sleep with you, on the side, and cheat on his wife.

I realize that you now know that married men are off limits for a reason. And you also realize that he had no intent to leave his wife (and child), when he could get what he wanted from you- with no string attached, except 'love'.

Love from him doesn't mean a thing, either for you, or for his wife.

It is particularly sad that you would have stabbed another woman in the back too.

She will eventually find out that he IS a lying, cheating, untrustworthy man, who didn't just make one 'mistake'. He will move on when the time is right, to another woman on the side, and he will also tell her that he 'loves' her.

And the cycle you got yourself caught up in, will repeat itself as it always does. And then his wife will divorce him, and we have another single mother with a chld, who's father has the morals of a gutter snake.

Everybody will get hurt, some for a lifetime. In this kind of situation, nobody gets through it without a lot of damage.

You are only one part of this, but I assure you, eventually his wife and child will suffer far more than you.

You don't have a choice here but to move on. Realize first that 'love' had nothing to do with his relationship with you. You were 'the other woman', who walked into a relationship eyes wide open, and allowed yourself to be used.

Stay away from married men, and question anybody you get involved with who says they 'love' you, when clearly their actions do not back it up. Set your moral standards a little higher, and figure out what you want from a man, and don't settle for just some of it.

Find someone who is unencumbered and not living his life covering his tracks all the time. Someone who puts you first, and, by his actions, shows his love without reservation.

Learn from your mistakes and move on. There are good men out there. Setting new standards for yourself will help you find one.

Thanks for reply jake... though I knew what I have to do may be I wanted it to hear from some one else too.it has to end long before but don't know why I took more than 6 months to end this.I have lost so many things in all this.I just hate myself for trusting him and loving him that much.I still find myself unable to sleep in nights. Don't know why I am saying all this here.I am just feeling like suffocated.. I am going to end all this here.whtevr has done can't be undone but its never too late.

He did so many things for me during all last months.took good care for me evrytime I fell ill or admitted to hospital but end of the day the fact is that he didn't left his wife. May be it's that good time which is preventing me from moving on.. :-( I wnna forget all bad and good things too..

Sometimes it just takes, as you say, another person or persons to confirm what you already know. And I suspect you knew what kind of answers you were likely to get, so it took a bit of bravery to face us here.

How I wish there were a little button behind our left ear that we could just press when we want to erase a bad memory. But, being human is a lifetime of learning from our mistakes and successes. You wouldn't have the satisfaction of a truly good relationship, had you not lived through and learned from this past relationship.

There will be good memories for you, as well as bad memories. Accept that there was some good, and take that with you. But, in going through what you are going through right now, the only thing that really matters is that you set a new course for yourself, and set your standards a little higher.

Take good care of yourself Kaya.

I have a question for you Jake and this doesn't really specifically pertain to a married man, but men in general. Why is it that a man will do things for you that clearly show that he cares, i.e. pay for things for you, make sure that if your things are broken they get fixed, listen to you and give you advice, etc. if in the end, when you just ask for them to admit that they care, they won't? I know that this means that they don't truly care because the right person would be wanting to proclaim to the world that you are his, but at the same time, the actions that a man does shows how he feels, especially with men since they don't verbally express themselves as women do, but instead show their love with how they treat and look out for their partner, and when his actions are that of being protective, caring, considerate, and even jealous at time, it leaves women, or at least me, very confused when he says that he doesn't care in that way. How are we to interpret men's actions and what are the signs that we should look for that show that their actions are backed by a deeper emotional attachment?

Ok, I just reread what Kaya originally wrote so in light of her complete honesty, I will be candid. I had a relationship with a married man, it's not as horrible as it sounds and at the same time it is. To explain, I lived in his home as a boarder, in the beginning we barely spoke, I mainly had a relationship with his family and not him. Then, I had gone through something while dating someone and needed advice and naturally looked to him since it was a guy's advice that I needed. Before this, I had never even thought to notice him as more than a husband and father to the family I lived with. However, he gave me very wise advice and even was considerate enough to be texting this advice during a football game which he (and any other guy) never does. This was simply because we all cared about each other and he cared about me and sincerely wanted to be of help. However, after this, I started turning to him more and more for advice and then started just texting and emailing different things that happened in my day and the like. We ended up communicating often, mainly through email and also once we were both home, we would talk a lot. As a result of this, we both got emotionally connected. We both shared personal things and we both started looking out for each other, I would do little things here and there to show that I cared and to take care of him so to speak, although he can hold his own, it was just to show that I cared. He in turn would show me that he cared, however it was always in a context that could be explained, i.e. everyone was giving each other presents by the holidays and he gave me a mirror because he noticed that I didn't have one and always had to come upstairs when I needed one, offering me $100 of the rent money back as "my gift to you" but during a month that I would be going home and it would make sense if I didn't pay the full rent, Offering me his old phone when I lost mine, offering to get me a new light bulb for my lamp when he saw that mine had burnt out, putting in a new light bulb in my room when the main light had burnt out and I didn't know how to fix it, helping me out with a work issue that I had, emailing back and forth daily giving advice, and giving me his car to use when I had to run to work late at night since I don't have a car of my own, giving me a contact person to call to fix my iPod, then after seeing that I didn't follow through, asking the person personally when they came over for lunch one day how it could be fixed, bringing up a personal thing that I had shared with him in a later conversation with a theory as to what could be adding or causing the issue, telling me daily that I shouldn't be drinking so much coffee and then saying, but it's up to you, and many more things that showed that he cared and keep in mind that these are just actions, this does not include his body language. Still, I know that he loves his wife, I do too and that's what's killing me is that I never in a million years would have ever gone here, but it wasn't like something that seemed wrong at first, it was innocent and was just talking, and then grew to become an emotional attachment that I didn't know how to stop, to the point that I would be careful not to mention other guys or look at other guys when he was around because I saw that he got jealous and then it got worse because I started not even seeing other guys because he had become so attractive to me. He did make several advances/hints of becoming physical, but he never actually tried anything, he does love his wife, but at the same time, if I had just responded to any one of these advances, it would have gone that far, but of course I never would have because I love and respect his wife. This whole thing is driving me crazy, what ended up happening was that I sent him a text that I had meant to be saved a draft which is just a technique I have for venting, but it somehow got sent (I still have no clue how because I'm sure that I saved it as a draft and even still have it saved there, but my phone is horrible so that could explain it) and basically the text said that it's rare for me to find someone that I respect/trust/love and I feel that way about him, and then I said that I know that he doesn't feel that way about me (since he has never expressed his feelings, but it's only been through actions and looks, etc. I just wanted to say that so that if he did feel that way he would say so and if not then I already said that he didn't) so he should just take it as a compliment. Anyway, I saw that it got sent and called him immediately to apologize, I asked him to please ignore it and forget it ever happened, he said that's kind of hard to do and I asked why and he said that "it's already out there, I mean, I can ignore it if you want me to, I can ignore it and forget the whole thing ever happened if you want me to, do you want me to?" and then I got confused because I figured that yes it is hard to ignore that but why would he be giving me the decision unless he didn't want to ignore it, and he didn't sound like he wanted to ignore it. I kept apologizing and he just said I don't get why you are apologizing and I again got confused by this because I think that when you send an innappropriate text to someone who is not available, the right thing to do it to apologize, so I figured he wanted to know if I was apologizing for the content of the text or for the sending of it and I said that I was sorry for sending it. He then wanted me to explain what I meant by the text, which I thought was pretty self explanatory and I hesitated because I knew it would be crossing the line if I said how I really felt and he had said earlier in the conversation that he was with a patient, but he didn't say that he had to go- so I used that to gain time here, I said that he should call me back after he was done with the patient. So we spoke again and he wanted me to explain it and I asked why and he said because it's out there and it's the elephant in the room and so he sort of wants to know, so I said "you sort of want to know or you want to know" and he said that he wanted to know. So I told him, not the complete truth, at first because it was way to innapropriate but then because when he said that I should be completely honest because it's out in the open and everything is coming out to which I responded "is it just me opening up" and he said well I guess we are and then added, "I mean I definitely don't have feelings for you, I'm happily married" which was so humiliating for me I can't even say- I never meant to go there and again I love the whole family and would never want or even dream that I could do anything to interfere with their family's bond. But at the same time I hate him for leading me on and for, once this thing surfaced, which was my fault for being awkward later and avoiding him and then being paranoyed that his wife knew and then bringing it up to him and thereby kind of focing his hand to tell her since otherwise it would be wrong not to at tha point, but either way, when it came out, he just sat there and let me take the blame for something that was equally our fault if not more his because he is the one who is married etc. Don't get me wrong, I take the blame for my part, I just wish that he would own up to his part. But again, I do love the family and even though I was questioned again and again by his wife about what it was that he did that would have made me thing that the sentiment would be reciprocated, I took all the blame so that they wouldn't have any issues in their marriage over this. It happends to be that there is another possible explanation for why I fell so deeply for him, and hopefully that will be the sole explanation and eventually I can have a realtionship-from a distance and under completely different guidelines, i.e. not having anything to do with the husband, just the wife and kids- in the future. It's just that I understand, he didn't do anything physically wrong and for a marriage to have problems from something that was simply emotional and never got physical is ridiculous so no matter how hard it is, I won't ever say anything, and he has done so much for me, really he has, and I hate that I couldn't even say goodbye to him and in general I do respect him, he is an incredible person who works endlessly to support his family, then comes home and does homework with the kids, then helps out around the house, and then sits down to do his work which keeps him up until 3am. He does do much I don't even think he realizes how much he does and I know his wife and kids don't realize it, but it's not my business to notice this or to worry for his welfare or about how hard he works. He really is the most incredible dad on top of all of this. I can't stand that I hate him so much for hurting me so deeply and for letting me take all the blame without saying a word, I know I can't expect him to and that if he did it would ruin the whole point of my not saying anything, but at least to me he could be honest about it, and instead he is denying everything and then had the nerve to thank me for being mature about the whole thing because "when hits the fan this could have gone a lot of ways and I thought you handled it in a very mature way". I hate that I was so wrong about who he is and I just wish that I could see that he cares in some way about how much he has hurt me and that he is at the very least grateful for what I've done. His wife hates me because in her eyes I just hit on her husband out of the blue and completely ruined my relationship with her and the kids who love me and I love them, she feels betrayed and hurt and I completely understand that and I know that I would never knowingly do a thing like this, honestly it just happened so gradually that by the time I discovered that I had feelings for him, it was too late, they were already too deep. Especially because I had first respected then trusted and then cared for and then became attracted, not been attracted first and then the rest. But, once I felt all these other things, I became more attracted to him than I have any other guy that I've known, to the point that I stopped noticing other guys for the most part and if I did, I didn't care. The only time that I noticed a guy and cared, was when I was doubting that he cared for me and was trying to move on. I know that I must move on and am trying, but it's just hard right now, especially since I miss the good times, and the talks, and just seeing him at the beginning and end of my day. I've gone through a lot of stress, but somehow seeing him always made my worries melt away and just brought this calm and excitement to me all at once. So now, I guess I'll just say it here, Goodbye and thank you for all that you have done for me and I'll try to find it in my heart to forgive you for your part in all of this, I can't promise I will, but I am going to try and I still think that in general you are a good person who in general is worth all of the praise I have given and thought about you. Take care.

You very nearly crossed the line with this man, and as you said, had you taken him up on his 'advances', you could very well have destroyed his family, and yourself in the process. Think of the consequences, at it may be easier for you to understand.

While you were attracted to him to the point of not dating, and while you gave up that part of your life, for him, you allowed yourself to be available. The talks you had, the advice he gave you, and that he helped you with your problems and made you feel good about yourself, should have been warning signs that you were heading into dangerous territory.

And at any point along the way you could have realized that this excitement you had about just even seeing him, meant you were getting in over your head. While these strong feelings are hard just to ignore, they won't go away without some serious thought as to what they meant.

If you are to learn from this, recognize what is going on, as it is happening, and find the strength you have to back away, and eventually he will get the hint that the relationship will not progress to anything other that what YOU have decided your own boundaries are.

This goes with any relationship you have in the future. Do not allow yourself to go down roads that will lead to nowhere but trouble.

I can't speak for him, but I am hoping that for you, you've learned a valuable lesson here. And I hope that at the top of your list is, married men are off-limits.

There ARE good men out there. Don't settle for a man that you are unable to talk to and get to know well enough to know what their intentions are. Don't be afraid to speak up if you are unsure about how a man feels. It is impossible to have a relationship without being able to truthfully speak up and communicate. Don't be afraid of knowing that the answer may be that he is not looking for a relationship. Learn what the signs are, through talking, and behaviour, so that you know when to cut your losses and move on until you find someone compatible.

Or, someone closer to what you need, and want. Spend more time on developing your own standards of behaviour, and thinking more about having men live up to yours, rather than the other way around. Say no, even if it hurts. Trust your instincts and accept that there will be disappointment and pain when anything ends, but to not be able to make judgments about others yourself, leaves you in a place where you can, and will be used. Don't settle.

As to the last part of your post, it's good to put an end to that part of your life, and be thankful nothing went beyond what it did. It is, over.

You've dodged a bullet this time in my opinion.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, I still can't believe I am even in need of a conversation like this, but you have helped clear things up emmensely. Again, I never look at married men, this happened because when you live with someone, it's very easy to lose sight of boundaries and get in deep before you see you've left the shallow end. Either way, your advice is well thought out and very helpful and I appreciate your help. Thank you.