Long story, made short. Married 18 years, 3 kids. Wife cheated on me with my best friend/cousin, who is also married/kid. Emotional affair - texting talking, lasted about 10 months, that I know of, but maybe even years. Sex? Not sure... but we're planning to. She denies it. "I LOVE YOU" was shared. Notes, songs, sex talk, romance.

I had an idea something was going on... but was in denial. But did warn her that if something was, stop, or I would leave her. A month later, found out about everything. The calls texts, and eventually the meetings.

Our marriage was perfect in every way. And she says even till now, she thought our marriage was perfect.
She just did it for the "extra attention". I think she is still lying about a bunch of details. How can I trust her again?

NOW WHAT?

If she said she did this for the extra attention, then everything could not have been perfect in your relationship; something essential missing.

Is this indescretion ended?

You have been together for 18 years, so basically it is up to both of you to pull this together and move forward. I know 'trust' is a big package in any monogamous relationship, but if you trusted her once, you CAN do it again and live happily ever after.

Sit down, the both you, no holes barred, and talk it out.

Now you go 12 rounds. But instead of boxing, you talk in the center and then go back to your respective corners to think.
Starting now: do you want to save this marriage or not? Does she? It sort of sounds like you do. So you ask her what she was lacking in the way of attention, and she tells you why she didn't tell you instead of cheating. (Try not to dwell so much on what she did as why she did it.) You do all this in a certain place at a certain time when you are both calm, rested, and not distracted by TV, phones, or other people.
Then you each go off and think and plan the next round the next day, and so on.
I don't see this as a immediate yes or no kind of situation.

Thanks for the replies.
I have done all this. We have talked it out for over a year now.

She still says nothing was wrong in our marriage.
She can't understand why she did it herself.
She never thought divorce would be a consequence.

Over the year, I keep finding out things she hasn't told me. Lies are still coming out.
And, now, it's come to the point where, anytime I even bring up the past, she gets upset, says I am torturing her and just punishing her.
Even though I am calm and collect, with a soft voice.

She says she just wants to forget about it, wants me to forgive her, and that we should just move on forward.

And that she wants peace.
She has even said that either I stop the questions, or I can leave, so we can be peaceful.

AM I wrong to want to know the truth?

No you're not wrong to want to know the truth or talk about this. A relationship should have at least the basics... honesty, respect, communication and openness. We all make mistakes but we know right from wrong.

My partner sounds just like your wife. He emails and sex texts to other women, always behind my back. He even denies when found out and doesn't want to talk about it "I'm making more out of it than there actually is". Really? You're asking to meet up with them!

He promised to stop after the 1st incidence... then the 2nd, 4th, 5th... I have to accept he will never change. His moral values do not match mine and I have to honour myself before I let this eat me up.

As a wise lady told me... "he's not that special and you're not that desperate" to stay. Be brave and listen to your instinct because it will never let you down.

Good luck 😊 K

You are still bring this up, again and again after a year? No wonder there is still conflict. At some point you have to accept what she says, as truth through understanding, and recommitment, and reconciliation.

You will never get over this, and regain trust, if you are acting on your hurt, and sense of betrayal, by visiting them on her. I think a better approach would be to deal with your own feelings in a more direct positive way, and make a pact with yourself as to your own fears. I think you are still hurting and may need guidance to get those feelings out in a vent or rant, so you can see what you are dealing with, as that's usually the case when there is no real resolutions and questions lead to more questions, and the perceptions of new lies continues.

Essentially you are always refeeling old feelings, and that's a vicious cycle to break. Get help if you need it, but forgive and change your behavior, and get those resentments out, so YOU can deal with them, not her.

Nice to have a calm voice, but sometimes guy, the anger has to come out, and not be turned into you. I suggest a strenuous physical activity, like a punching bag for an hour or so every day until those feelings are out, and the brain is drained of all anger. Then you can see things differently.

That's a part of a channeling of anger, fear, and resentment. Frankly, it should have bee done a year ago, so this wound didn't fester. Do so now. Once you let go of the anger, then you can change your behavior, and regain your trust. Trust is nothing but CONFIDENCE in another person. So do things that brings the confidence back, like not questioning old mistakes.

For sure, if you haven't gotten the truth in a year, and are still full of questions, and all you see are lies, then I suggest you cannot see or judge the truth because of a lack of confidence in her. If you accept her words of she did this for extra attention, then you must also accept she needs more positive attentions and give it to her. Its possible there were/are other stresses she is going through at that time that she felt she needed that extra attention, or was vulnerable to temptation.

Not making excuses, just trying to change your perception, and approach to how you deal with your own feelings. I mean if she has apologized and said it will never happen again, then you need to heal, and let go, and pay attention. And not being distracted by old feelings that cannot be resolved.

Dear Hurthubby2012,

I don't have the words to say which will make you to feel comfirtable because the pain you are feeling same I am feeling and going through yours and mine story is totally each word same except I have 2 kids and my marriage is only 5 years old.

Please all dears give us some suggestion how to take out this pain we are feeling now its like eating me every second still I can not accept that my wife can cheat me but in real its already happened.