Hi

I am a 40 year old divorced (for 5 years) woman with children. I felt the need to ask this question online because nobody who I know has had any experience of online dating.

I have been single for years now and have never really met the right guy. I got my life together, took up new hobbies, language courses, biking, everything ! I felt that the time was right to maybe find someone to share my life with, so I decided to try online dating for the first time.

Anyway, I went on a couple of unsuccessful dates then got chatting to the guy I am now referring to... Jon. Well, from the very first email, we hit it off, we have absolutely lots in common, he seems very intelligent, is nice looking (on his pictures), good conversationalist. We chatted for about 2 weeks before exchanging numbers. We generally email every couple of days and speak on the telelphone for hours on end about once a week. The problem is, Jon lives about 100 miles from me so we scheduled a meeting, with him travelling to me by train (its about an hour). I was excited to meet him and then he cancelled a week before we were due to meet. He was very apologetic, he had been asked to cover unexpectedly at work.

Fair enough I thought, things happen and he pushed our meeting back a week. He has maintained contact with me as usual, but then last night he mentioned that he may not be able to make our re-arranged meeting again, due to work stuff (it's scheduled for a Saturday pm). He hasn't suggested another day/time either, he simply and casually said 'we will get to this date one day!' and kind of brushed it off.

Anyway, so now I am thinking, what do I do here? I honestly do not want a purely online friendship with this guy, I want to meet with him sometime quite soon so that I can judge whether we are compatible etc. but it's not happening ! Even if we don't hit it off as 'relationship' possibility, I would still like to be real life friends with him since we have so much in common and so much to chat about. I have not told him all of this as I don't even know the guy properly and I have just casually accepted his apologies. He is still contacting me and his conversation is still flowing but I get a funny feeling he is stalling meeting me for an unknown reason. Any advice here as I am new to this online dating and trying to arrange dates this way. Many thanks...

Have you tried telling him that you really want to meet him?
Don't just accept his apologies casually. Tell him how you feel.
Online dating is exciting and fun. I chatted people before and met them
But in order for you two to actually meet, you both should be on
The same page. If he's stalling your meeting, then he must be shy
Or scared to meet a stranger. Maybe he just wants to be sure first
Before meeting you.

There's plenty of crazy people out there so maybe that's one of his
Reasons.

I have experience in online dating. I met my current partner a year ago online, and it was about a month before we decided to meet. It's a 2.5 hour train journey, and it's just routine now, the distance doesn't bother us. Before meeting, he was a little bit odd. He cancelled our first meeting due to work too. I felt like giving up then, as I'm a "you snooze, you lose" stubborn type of woman. But I gave him another chance to meet me when he said, the week after. And here we are! He apparently felt the same as I did about initially meeting, he was just more nervous.

However before I met my bloke, I dated someone else for about two weeks, and he sounds more like Jon. We met a couple of times half way. We were into similar things but he was very immature. He was 21, and an "Accounts manager". (Which was immediately suspicious as you need a degree to be an accounts manager, and at his age he should have still been studying for it, but he didn't and wasn't)

What you need to take into consideration is, if he really is working so much, how will you be able to continue to see each other when there are so little opportunities? What if you become attached, but you can't see each other? Sometimes people in this situation move things too quickly, they may move in with each other within 6 months or so because they'll be able to "see each other more". It makes things more difficult. Maybe ask him whether he sees you dating, what he expects.

x Dani

Thank you so much for the replies. I have indicated that I really want to meet him and that I am really looking forward to it. I too am getting to the stage in thinking 'you snooze, you lose' kind of thing ! He says that he would love to date me (based on what he knows about me up until now) and seems really sincere and genuine. He has also said that he thinks us chatting on line frequently before meeting up and getting to know lots about each other makes him more comfortable.

In what respect I feel like I am being impatient but on the other hand I don't want the online interaction to drag on and on. Dani, yes I am also beginning to worry that if we are attracted to each other in real life, there will be little opportunity for us to see each other if he is so busy. Obviously, once I have met him, I would be happy to meet half way or take turns in travelling. Geeee this is harder than real life dating...

It does sound like he's nervous. Maybe he's had a bad experience before. The best thing to do is be casual, get on with your own things, don't think too much about how this guy is great and you'd like to meet him. I often think the worst, and I always get a pleasant surprise.

LDR's are very difficult. You have to be strong willed, patient, and committed. Have a think and see if you're up for that. If so, just take things slowly when chatting, and meet up when you both feel properly ready.

x Dani

Do you talk on the phone some every night? OR just one night a week?

Do you have his home address to ship things to him if you wanted to ?

Why don't you arrange to go up and visit him at his area.

100 miles would be a day trip, go up, visit for lunch for a few hours and go home that evening.

From online, do you know those are his photos, any web cam talks? Does he have you listed as girl friend on face book ( some public knowledge) has he connected to you and have your photos on his Facebook time line?

Hi
Neither of us use Facebook and he has given me his home address as I sent a book to him that he was interested in and I happened to have finished with. It was my choice for us to only speak once a week on the telephone because my house is very busy most evenings and I work all day so email and text is just more convenient other than at weekends.

As for the pictures, I suppose I won't have any idea if they are really him until we see each other and vice versa for him also. I did offer to meet him half way in Birmingham but he insisted that he wanted to do the gentlemanly thing and visit my home town first for an afternoon, so I didn't push it. I have been really cautious I suppose, I haven't given him my home address or land telephone number and wanted to make sure we met in a very public place etc.

I dislike webcams and wouldn't feel comfortable sat in front of one to be honest.

I have to agree with Chuck with webcam talks. If you dislike webcams, at least ask him if you could view him through his webcam and not vice versa. I've heard terrible news about online dating. I told
You awhile ago that I've chatted people and met them, right? You know what one girl do on our
First day of chat? She asked me if I could meet up with her and I did. She gave me her condo
Address and I fetched her and we went to a bar. She also left her drink unattended when she went to
The toilet to pee. I told her that she should never leave her food and drink unattended because
She would never know if I put something in her drink to make her pass out or something.

I was really scared for her because she was so gullible and so care-free. She even got drunk and
Almost vomited inside my car. I took her home and never saw her again. I think she got
Embarrassed for the way she acted on our first meeting. I mean, she was just too trusting. I couldn't
Believe there are women like that. I was 20 then and she was 19. So, ladies out there should
Be more careful. I'm also scared about losing any loved one through human-trafficking so
I always tell them never to go to a country if they don't go as a group like on a tour.

I know you're so into him Artemis but check first and verify his address. Ask him out of the blue
A question or series of questions that would make you tell that he really
Got the book that you've sent.

Ask him a specific question about the book conflict, setting or plot or if it's a self-help book,
Ask him something that only someone who read the book could answer.

I am a very frank and open person. I think the best way to know something is to ask and clear the air, this way you will not be wondering, you will know

I agree 100% with Homegirl - ASK HIM! Maybe he's cooled off. Maybe you'll ask and never hear from him again and that will be your answer.

Would I put any more time into this relationship? No, not if you want more than an Internet friendship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stellaw

I know you're so into him Artemis but check first and verify his address. Ask him out of the blue
a question or series of questions that would make you tell that he really
got the book that you've sent.

---

I wouldn't play "private detective" unless you know what you're doing and how to phrase your questions. This could be very awkward because these questions, if you don't know what you ae doing, always come out very stilted.

The only way to get an answer is to ask the question - maybe he posted someone else's photo or an old photo or lied about his weight and/or age and now he doesn't know how to get around that.

She should ask him if there's a problem and then make an educated decision on how to proceed.

Playing detective is a much more discreet way of asking for the credibility of the person. If you ask him directly, then the person you asked would feel like you don't trust him. It's not rocket science. Just ask something and you'll know if he's legit or not.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stellaw

Playing detective is a much more discreet way of asking for the credibility of the person. If you ask him directly, then the person you asked would feel like you don't trust him. It's not rocket science. Just ask something and you'll know if he's legit or not.

---

No, the person you asked would think you had a brain or two in your head and that you don't play games.

Not saying to be confrontational with the person - just ask what you want to know.

Yeah I pretty easily ask him about a particular section in the book whilst we are chatting, without sounding like a detective. I thought of sending something of interest to the address he has given me without actually telling him and waiting to see if he mentions it. The only other thing that is ringing alarm bells for me is that he says he booked us a table for lunch at a restaurant in my town for our first original meet. He never mentioned cancelling that reservation (ie whether he had or not).

Something that someone has said struck a chord though, about him maybe not being exactly like the photos he has sent to me... when I clicked on the 'properties' of the photographs, they are all taken more than a year ago so Iam wondering if he is stalling meeting me because maybe he does want to lose weight or whatever first !

To be honest though, I do think that the photos are legitimate because whoever took them has tagged them with his name on the date they were taken. I am a fairly perceptive person and would usually pick up on things that don't add up but everything he talks about to me and mentions falls into line. My main concern is why he is stalling meeting up with me. Thanks all so much, this is really helping ! Any other thoughts on this are most welcome :-)

There are programs which compare photos with photos - I actually use them in my work - but they are expensive.

My thought on meeting you remains the same - he's not exactly as he portrayed himself, and that could be weight, height, something else.

My friends who use on-line sites say women lie about their weight and men lie about their height.

Have you searched his address to see who actually lives there?

I think you need to voice your concerns. You are both adults. Ask him what you want to know and tell him your concerns, then you will know one way or the other.

There are so many possible reasons he keeps on stalling your meetings or it seems like it. He could be married or yeah he could be worried about his physical appearance. He could also be dating another girl or many girls and he's still choosing who to have a relationship with. I hope this is helpful. I just think that anything is possible.

I tend to be good with gut feelings so I will probably just be a little more perceptive over the next few times we speak. I am not so desperate that I really really need to meet someone; he just simply grabbed my attention and managed to keep hold of it but I could quite easily walk away from the situation if need be. It's just playing on my mind and especially since I am off work this week ! I can't find anything on the internet (I am in the UK) with his name and address unless I pay for it and even then I am not guaranteed to actually find the information I need

Maybe there's someone else out there who'll grab both your attention and coffee with you. Someone who you can share more common interests with.

I just found him (his full name as he told me it) on the electoral roll at the address he gave me. Makes me feel a little better. However, after today, I don't want to carry on this way so have decided that if he doesn't suggest another meet when I mention it, I am going to let the whole situation go. If he does make another arrangement and cancels again, I am also going to let it go.