Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend and porn

So, I'm in a perfectly happy committed relationship with my boyfriend, whom I live with. We're very open and understanding which is why this has been bothering me so much. I'm aware that my boyfriend watches porn it's no secret, and it didn't use to bother me at all until recently. We have a pretty good sex life except for the fact that I'm the one who's always wants to have sex. Let me put it like this, I know my boyfriend loves me and would never cheat, and he used to be the one who wanted to have sex all the time, but a few months after I moved in with him his sex drive started lowering and at this point I feel like he only has sex with me because I ask him to and even then sometimes he complains about not wanting to, I'm starting to lose it, I'm a very sexual person and I'm not ugly, so I don't get it. Now, the fact that he watches porn didn't use to bother me but it really does now because I feel like he'd rather watch porn than have sex with his readily available girlfriend, and I'm not shy in the bedroom either. Also the type of porn he's started watching recently disturbs me so much and I mean I've watched porn and I still do, because my boyfriend barely has sex with me! But why does he watch it instead of doung the real thing? Can someone, anyone explain to me why? It's starting to do my head in, I feel insecure of my body image and my sexual endeavors with him now, I don't know what to do because it's not even the porn so much it's the fact that he's substituting it for me, in any case that's how I feel. I'm scared of confronting him because I'm not mad I'm just upset and it's starting to become a problem, yet I don't want to make him feel bad about getting off now and then. Ugh, I just want to understand this whole thing.

Is he masterbating instead of sex or just watching the sex.

Couple of questions...

Are there other issues that you're not sharing? Such as are you two fighting a lot? Is he stressed out about other things?

You mentioned that he seemed different after you moved in.
Has other behaviors of his changed besides the "not initiating" sex with you?

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart about this?

I believe that there is more going on than you know.

Also, how old are you two?

I'm 19 and he just turned 21, I guess I don't know how to bring this up to him, we have great communication and whenever problems occure we just talk it through, about a month ago even I went to sign into my email and he was already signed in to his ( I didn't have any reasons to snoop or any of that ) and I saw he had a couple online match websites which I went to and found that he would flirt with online profiles, not often but just that he would do that once crushed me, I was devastated and confronted him that very day because, yes even though it wasn't technically cheating, it upset me that he would talk to other women, real or not, in that manner. In that situation he was doing something wrong and I had valid reasons for being upset and he hasn't gone on those websites since, however with porn it's just different and I obviously am not going to ban him from watching porn but it certainly makes me uneasy, primarily because I always want to have sex with him and he seems to shrug me off and then I'll come back from work or even wake up a couple hours after him and use the computer and there's porn sites all over my browsing history, I don't get it! He never initiates sex anymore, doesn't ever go down on me or even has foreplay with me anymore! I just feel like it's my fault, even though I try to pleasure him as best as I can, I've started worrying about my body image and wanting to lose weight because I feel like he doesn't want me, that he isn't physically attracted to me, even though I've talked to him about the fact that I feel like he doesn't like having sex with me and he assures me that he does, but he has yet to initiate sex or spontaneously make out with me or anything.. I don't know what to do! Everything else is fine, he's a little stressed from work but who isn't? Personally sex helps reduce my stress. I don't know what to say because I don't want to sound accusing or make him feel badly but it's gotten to a point that it just isn't OK anymore, and yes he's maturbating instead of sex.

I'm not male, but having many male friends that feel the need to share everything with me (sometimes it really is tmi boys ;)), I'll share what they've told me, and what I've learned just from being married, dating, and listening to the guys on this site.

Men don't watch porn because they're unhappy in their relationship. Men are visual, that's why they can't help but look at the gorgeous girl in the low cut shirt and tight pants, even when the woman they love is standing right next to them fuming. Visual stimulation, that's all it is.

We women need more. We're emotional, we connect sex with love, and I'm not saying that men don't make love because they feel love for the person they're with, but it's not on the same level as women. For a woman sex is about an emotional attachment. Get into our heads, our hearts, and you'll get into our pants. When our guy isn't physically connecting with us, but is watching porn, we automatically feel that he doesn't love us, or that he's not interested. That's not the case.

Masturbating, or watching porn, is a physical release. You don't have to be emotional, or put in the effort. It's all on you. Actual sex is more involved.

To me it sounds like he's stressed about something, or something else is on his mind, but I really don't think that he sees watching porn as an issue. Him not having sex with you, but watching porn, aren't related, even though to us women, it is.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about this. If you don't tell him, trust me, he won't figure it out on his own. Just like us, men can't read minds. If you have a problem, you have to talk it out. It won't get any better until you do.

Also keep in mind... we aren't rabbits... we can't do it 10 times a day. Not for very long anyway. Also keep in mind... when the new girl excitement wears off, you are going to find his excitement level drops as well, that's about a year or two into a relationship after progressing to sex... this has ZERO to do with if he watches porn or not. Porn for a guy is exactly the same as "Chick Flicks" are to women. The three types of guys who DON'T enjoy looking at the naked female form... are. #1 gay guys, #2. Guys with Zero testosterone #3. and maybe the religious guys that choose celibacy and want to avoid the temptation. Therest of the male population of the world enjoys the heck out of it. Not unlike women going shopping at the Mall when they don't need anything and have no intentions on buying anything.

If he's stressed of feels pressured... its going to go down too, not up... If he is even remotely thinking about getting you pregnant... its going to go down... and yes no matter what kind of birth control you use, and even if you use it perfectly... it IS still always possible to get pregnant.

As an example... every night is not difficult at 50 after 20 years of marriage... but three times is pushing it even on weekends... however I don't doubt ira possible for a while anyway... if I had a new female in the picture the excitement of someone new would raise those numbers for a period anyway but they would fall back down when the "newness wears off".

Being bored to death results in a once a week or less thing... daily isn't if things are kept fresh. Asking for mulitple times a day isn't realistic long term even if it is possible at times.

Also keep in mind... speaking as a guy... there is few things less appealing than a woman stomping around trying to guilt a guy into having sex... as I'm sure it must be if the genders were reversed as well.

Very Simple... Your relationship is headed down a slippery slope.

Not to worry there is still time to salvage this. Now the amount of porn he watches, and how much he masturbates to it is a huge factor. The reason being, increased porn viewership+masturbation leads to very low sex drive. With porn there is a natural progression.. and from your posting seems he is going through the steps. Regular porn becomes boring and starts to watch extreme, or hard fantasies (e.g grandmothers) and when that gets boring the next step is to act out fantasies i.e internet dating, prostitutes e.t.c...

Granted, for young males there is a healthy fascination with porn... but the accesability of internet porn has changed the game, and in homes across the world relationships are dying because of it.

On this site I speak the truth... And I think you need to confront him about it. Like smoothy said, don't guilt him into sex. But have a healthy conversation with him... I also think you need to tell him that if he enjoys watching porn occasionally there is no problem with it, and you would like to watch it with him.. at least your doing something together. The reason being, if he is watching for release purposes he will have no problem watching with you and within a short period your sex life will be back to normal... if he is watching too much because of underlying issues then he will watch with you and immediately he will stop because all his fears will be brought to light and he will be extremely uncomfortable. If he refuses to watch with you then do not worry, it's a good sign :)

Whatever you do, do not give him an ultimatum... hope it helps

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

Very Simple... Your relationship is headed down a slippery slope.

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! There are issues in this relationship but not porn.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

Not to worry there is still time to salvage this. Now the amount of porn he watches, and how much he masturbates to it is a huge factor. The reason being, increased porn viewership+masturbation leads to very low sex drive. With porn there is a natural progression..and from ur posting seems he is going through the steps. Regular porn becomes boring and starts to watch extreme, or hard fantasies (e.g grandmothers) and wen that gets boring the next step is to act out fantasies i.e internet dating, prostitutes e.t.c....

Hhhmmm... I need to qualify myself. Male. About 1-1.25TB of porn on my computer. Tend to rub one off everyone morning. Also in a committed long term relationship. We don't live together, but tend to spend the weekends on one house or another. We f**k like bunnies.

Now two things leap out at me. The very first is that you don't like porn for one reason or another. The second is that you have no idea how the male sexual being really works.

Men, not unlike myself, like a little release. Just a personal moment where the only thing we care about is getting off. It isn't selfish. It is just some personal time where we don't need to worry about pleasing someone else, or foreplay, or what not.

Men are also visual creatures. We like seeing naked women and that gives us the seed for fantasy. It isn't like we want to go out and lay a senior citizen. It is just the idea that tweaks our fancy at that moment. Some times you just feeling Asian, or maybe some hairy/natural, or midgets. Midget porn isn't as bad as you think, just weird.

It isn't something that is a danger to a relationship unless it gets out of control. This is something that can happen with porn, World of Warcraft, Alcohol, Drugs, My Little Ponies, Music, cupcakes, or anything else to be honest. It is when you start forsaking all else for being a Bronie that things start to become a problem.

If I am wrong please post your sources. I am curious. I would hate to think that I am missing out on internet dating and hookers and the like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

Granted, for young males there is a healthy fascination with porn...but the accesability of internet porn has changed the game, and in homes across the world relationships are dying because of it.

That is a broad generalization. Relationships are also dying because of people's inability to realize when something is broken and try to fix it. Because people are having affairs and they're much easier to catch these days.

Saying it is because of porn is short sighted and indicative of lack of understanding of the situation at hand.

Again, if I am wrong, please cite your sources.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

On this site I speak the truth.... And I think you need to confront him about it. Like smoothy said, don't guilt him into sex. But have a healthy convo with him...I also think you need to tell him that if he enjoys watching porn occasionally there is no problem with it, and you would like to watch it with him..at least your doing something together. The reason being, if he is watching for release purposes he will hav no problem watching with u and within a short period of time your sex life will be back to normal...if he is watching too much because of underlying issues then he will watch with you and immediatly he will stop because all his fears will be brought to light and he will be extremely uncomfortable. If he refuses to watch with you then do not worry, its a good sign :)

Now that is a logic circle and a half. Use guilt, embarrassment, and a lack of privacy to force him to do what YOU want. That's a wonderful idea. Lack of identity is exactly what you want in your husband right?

I understand people are in love and want to spend every moment together, but in the real world that isn't how it works. Everyone needs some private time. Putting your SO on such a short leash will just cause him to be more inventive on watching. Which will cause more tension in the relationship causing it to fail.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

Whatever you do, do not give him an ultimatum....hope it helps

This is the only thing I agree here. Also, take an extra moment or two to spell out the words correctly.

To the OP. Watching and masturbating to porn isn't a reflection on you and the way you look. It is just a seed of fantasy that allows men to have some alone time. Where he can concentrate on making himself and no one else. It isn't that he doesn't want to have sex with you but rather he just wants a moment alone to clean the cannon.

The worrying thing about flirting online, and his behaviour, is that it sounds like he is checking out. Stress is a huge libido killer. When you're thinking about bills, it is hard to concentrate on other things. Air out what you have said here with him in person, with the emphasis on porn being okay, should help clear the air.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scipioafricanus

Very Simple... Your relationship is headed down a slippery slope.

Not to worry there is still time to salvage this. Now the amount of porn he watches, and how much he masturbates to it is a huge factor. The reason being, increased porn viewership+masturbation leads to very low sex drive. With porn there is a natural progression..and from ur posting seems he is going through the steps. Regular porn becomes boring and starts to watch extreme, or hard fantasies (e.g grandmothers) and wen that gets boring the next step is to act out fantasies i.e internet dating, prostitutes e.t.c....

Granted, for young males there is a healthy fascination with porn...but the accesability of internet porn has changed the game, and in homes across the world relationships are dying because of it.

On this site I speak the truth.... And I think you need to confront him about it. Like smoothy said, don't guilt him into sex. But have a healthy convo with him...I also think you need to tell him that if he enjoys watching porn occasionally there is no problem with it, and you would like to watch it with him..at least your doing something together. The reason being, if he is watching for release purposes he will hav no problem watching with u and within a short period of time your sex life will be back to normal...if he is watching too much because of underlying issues then he will watch with you and immediatly he will stop because all his fears will be brought to light and he will be extremely uncomfortable. If he refuses to watch with you then do not worry, its a good sign :)

Whatever you do, do not give him an ultimatum....hope it helps

If you use the term "very simple" one more time, when it's obvious that you have no idea what you're talking about, I think I may scream.

Read Craven's post. He's dead on accurate. You're not even close.

I have to ask, how old are you, and are you male or female?

This really helped me... I have almost the same problem. However, my bigger concern is that how come when we had a very romantic love making moment, the very next day he's getting off to porn while I am not home? Was him getting off with me not enough for him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joey123456

Was him getting off with me not enough for him?

Please read this thread very carefully, especially what CravenMorhead says. Part of his post is, "Men, not unlike myself, like a little release. Just a personal moment where the only thing we care about is getting off. It isn't selfish. It is just some personal time where we don't need to worry about pleasing someone else, or foreplay, or what not."

Makes me think of me and my boyfriend. I try to be fun and playful so we can have sex together but he is always never in the mood. When ever I'm at work and he's home there is always porn on the computer. I've even found it on days where we both work and I get home just an hour later than him. I've even told him that I know he watches porn, but he denies it, I'm to scared to show him the evidence. . _.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatTHEbleep

makes me think of me and my boyfriend. i try to be fun and playful so we can have sex together but he is always never in the mood. when ever im at work and hes home there is always porn on the computer. ive even found it on days where we both work and i get home just an hour later than him. ive even told him that i know he watches porn, but he denies it, im to scared to show him the evidence. ._.

Drop it... its a very touchy issue that involves his personal space and his rights...

If you are sneaking around and "looking for evidence" to throw in his face... it will end badly for you.

I'm sorry if I missed this piece of information in your original post, but how long have you guys been together? If this is a relatively new relationship, I'm thinking that the initial excitement could be wearing off, especially since you have moved in together.

In your second post, you said that he's substituting porn for sex. Is he turning you down and then going into the bathroom with the computer or is it that he's masturbating when you're not around and then simply not interested later when you are? I think the former is probably a bigger problem than the latter. Either way, this could be a relatively short-lived issue between you two so if it hasn't been going on for long, I would give it a chance to wear off.

The thing you did mention which concerns me is his accessing dating sites (or something like dating sites). It's one thing if he's getting a certain amount of sexual satisfaction from masturbation when you're not around but then still having sex with you and maintaining a good relationship with you. It's a completely different problem when he's only getting sexual satisfaction from porn and masturbation and is also looking for relationships with other women. If that's the situation, I'm wondering if he's ready to be monogamous.