I have been married for nearly 20 years and have two children. My husband has a real problem with intimacy, he won't kiss, or foreplay at all. He's never touched by breasts or other intimate areas. He turns away when having sex, doesn't acknowledge me at all, he just has quick sex and goes to sleep. He finds sex scenes on TV disgusting, and changes the channels. Hes never made me climax and has no interest in trying to please me at all. In fact if I pretend to be enjoying myself, he gets annoyed!

I have been told I am very attractive, but I don't understand my husbands behavior. I know even if I confront him he will never admit it. But I am losing my mind, I am desperately unhappy as a woman. I want intimacy and be appreciated as a woman.

What should I do? How can I fix this situation?

Apart from sex, does he have any other seemingly odd characteristics? How are his social skills, eye contact, and what kind of work does he do?

He makes it obvious that he's noticing other women when out and about or on TV. He's a professional. He doesn't have many friends, but his closest friend is gay...

You've lived like this for 20 years, no intimacy, he's never touched your breasts or kissed? When he's done he rolls over and goes to sleep?

I think the obvious question is whether he's particularly stressed or has a health issue. A Physician can figure that out.

I wouldn't accuse him of being gay. I would ask him what you've asked "us." Why does he treat you (and sex) in this manner?

Looking at other women has nothing to do with anything - in my eyes. I have a gay relative and he's the first one to notice an attractive woman and point her out to me.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You've lived like this for 20 years, no intimacy, he's never touched your breasts or kissed? When he's done he rolls over and goes to sleep?

I think the obvious question is whether he's particularly stressed or has a health issue. A Physician can figure that out.

I wouldn't accuse him of being gay. I would ask him what you've asked "us." Why does he treat you (and sex) in this manner?

Looking at other women has nothing to do with anything - in my eyes. I have a gay relative and he's the first one to notice an attractive woman and point her out to me.

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I don't how I have managed all these years, I know there have been times when I felt desperate! I would think about having an affair or leaving him and finding a proper man... but for my kids sake I killed my own feelings and needs... I hoped that he would chance but he's exactly as he was from day one. I know he has a big issue with intimacy and sex, every time I tried addressing it, he gets annoyed, saying that's the way he is... there's nothing wrong with him! And if I tell him I rather we don't have sex at all because I feel I'm being used, but he doesn't want that either. He just wants me to carry on like this, he always climaxes but I never enjoy sex. Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself, but I feel trapped...

So... cut him off. I bet he thinks there is a problem when he isn't getting any

All ladies make the same mistake... They marry to the wrong gentlemen.

WOW, if I were like your husband, my wife would have me sleeping in the closet, listening to the fun she was having. Just kidding(?).

But she would definitely cut me off. Maybe have me sleeping on the porch. Sorry I cannot believe you have allowed this for 20 years, but my guess is the kids are gone, and you have a lot more time to dwell on this.

Is there a person you can visit, or an activity you like that you can do every evening? He takes you for granted after 20 years, and gets annoyed when YOU need something?/ No way he should get away with that without heavy consequences. You know like slam a door leave, ignore.

The type of thing any woman would do when she is PO'ed at her husband. My point, stop being a doormat, and taking his crap!

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Originally Posted by Pettisbel

All ladies make the same mistake... They marry to the wrong gentlemen.

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Sorry, but "all" ladies do not make the same mistake. "Many" ladies marry the right person and live (somewhat) happily ever after.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

WOW, if I were like your husband, my wife would have me sleeping in the closet, listening to the fun she was having. Just kidding(?).

But she would definitely cut me off. Maybe have me sleeping on the porch. Sorry I cannot believe you have allowed this for 20 years, but my guess is the kids are gone, and you have a lot more time to dwell on this.

Is there a person you can visit, or an activity you like that you can do every evening? He takes you for granted after 20 years, and gets annoyed when YOU need something?/ No way he should get away with that without heavy consequences. You know like slam a door leave, ignore.

The type of thing any woman would do when she is PO'ed at her husband. My point, stop being a doormat, and taking his crap!

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I wish it was that simple or easy... I was brought up in a very strict family, the only way out at the time was him... I was only 15, didn't know any better, completely depended on him, he's always cared about me... he's all I know, have.
I feel torn every time I think of leaving him over this, I ask myself if my needs are so important that I would break my family, my world for... I just never seem to have the courage or strength to put myself first! I tell myself, half my life is spent like this, who knows how long I have left and maybe I can manage, but then the overwhelming unhappiness and frustration takes over and I loose the will to live - I guess I am waiting for some miracle!

Perhaps he has or had a warped up bringing that sex is bad or wrong or something not to be enjoyed, or esp only "bad" women enjoy sex. Time for counseling and perhaps as noted, cut him off till you get some equal treatment.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Perhaps he has or had a warped up bringing that sex is bad or wrong or something not to be enjoyed, or esp only "bad" women enjoy sex. Time for counseling and perhaps as noted, cut him off till you get some equal treatment.

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I have tried talking about it, suggesting we get counselling or therapy, take a break or just live together as friends but he won't agree to anything! He's never been that sexually active, three or four times a month, and mostly whilst I'm asleep!
I have tried refusing to let him have sex with me, but he gets angry and says I'm forcing him to go elsewhere! He has slept around in the past and gave me STI, I was lucky it wasn't anything serious but I'm too scared that it may be much more serious next time...

I have never mentioned to him that I suspect he's gay, he would go ballistic. But I have tried to tell him there is a problem and he needs to get help, but he just refuses to accept he has a problem, says he's just not that sexual... but the way he eyes up other women suggests otherwise! But I find it so confusing!

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Originally Posted by rebecca1111

I have tried talking about it, suggesting we get counselling or therapy, take a break or just live together as friends but he won't agree to anything! hes never been that sexually active, three or four times a month, and mostly whilst I'm asleep!
I have tried refusing to let him have sex with me, but he gets angry and says I'm forcing him to go elsewhere! he has slept around in the past and gave me STI, i was lucky it wasn't anything serious but I'm too scared that it may be much more serious next time...

I have never mentioned to him that I suspect hes gay, he would go ballistic. but I have tried to tell him there is a problem and he needs to get help, but he just refuses to accept he has a problem, says hes just not that sexual... but the way he eyes up other women suggests otherwise! but i find it so confusing!

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It sounds like instead of being gay or bi, he is a manipulative cheater. It doesn't matter what his sexuality is, cheating is cheating. While he may be having sex with you 3-4 times a month, he may have someone else he is playing games with and forcing you to accept his way of living.

Whether he goes to counseling or not, you should. I think you may also want to talk to a divorce lawyer.

How old was he when you married? Do you mind sharing why you married him at such a young age?

Has he ever gotten physically violent with you? Is he emotionally and/or mentally manipulative to get his way in other areas of the relationship? Is there anything in the marriage that would make it worth keeping?

By the way you are still young and deserve better treatment than this.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

It sounds like instead of being gay or bi, he is a manipulative cheater. It doesn't matter what his sexuality is, cheating is cheating. While he may be having sex with you 3-4 times a month, he may have someone else he is playing games with and forcing you to accept his way of living.

Whether he goes to counseling or not, you should. I think you may also want to talk to a divorce lawyer.

How old was he when you married? Do you mind sharing why you married him at such a young age?

Has he ever gotten physically violent with you? Is he emotionally and/or mentally manipulative to get his way in other areas of the relationship? Is there anything in the marriage that would make it worth keeping?

By the way you are still young and deserve better treatment than this.

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I married him when I was 18, he was 30 at the time. I wanted a family of my own, a home and stability and believed this was the right way.
He never hit me, but he is very controlling, if its not his way he just ignores me and pretends I don't exist! It has to be his way.
I really don't know how I will manage being on my own, he's always kept me very sheltered from the outside world, just the thought of being along scares me.
I really do care about him, and want to fix my marriage, I just don't know how

Then go to counseling on your own. I think you need to talk to someone face to face. Look at ways to build up your confidence in yourself.

Either way, if your husband is gay or cheating, you should end it. Having kids can complicate it, but he obviously doesn't want to be with you if he has lousy sex with you. A part of a good relationship is the sex life. Yours obviously isn't too good. So find someone who will give you a great sex life. I know you may love your husband but something is up with him, just be honest.