My boyfriend of several years has a few close female friends and I'm OK with that because he knew them before he met me. What bothers me is that he isn't upfront about when he sees them and he never invites me along. In fact, I've never met any of them. He takes them to special things that he doesn't ask me to.

For instance, he got tickets to a special concert this summer. He didn't tell me anything about it. I saw the tickets in his house and when I asked him about it he said he was taking a female friend. Am I wrong to be angry about this? If he wanted to take her that's fine but he should have invited me too. He only got two tickets never intending to ask me or tell me anything about it. He does this all the time and it's getting to me.

I would be concerned as well that after dating for several years you have not met his friends. Do you know if they even know that he is seeing you? How serious is your relationship with him? Maybe you see it as more serious than he does.

Nothing wrong with doing things separately with friends now and then, but it is odd that you are never told about any of it. Most couples would at least say something such as, "Hey, I was planning on going to lunch with Sarah next Saturday."

I'd ask him why he hasn't introduced you to his friends. Have you met any of his male friends? Do you socialize with them together? Have you met his family?

I can say with a lot of convictions that I would not stand for that for one minute.

I am generally understanding and this behavior crosses all boundary lines for me.

It would be okay with me if I were kept in the loop and the tickets were a birthday present for the friend. However, he seems to be living two lives and that is not okay.

I think you need to sit down with him and find out if you are on the same page as he is. If you are still wanting the same things, then set boundaries together.

Tell him you would like to meet his friends. Perhaps plan a very informal get-together for all of your friends either at someone's house or on neutral ground like a park.

If he isn't okay with you meeting them or says that they don't want to meet you, then I would think about moving on. I don't think I would be able to trust him. You might be more understanding than I am.

I hope all works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

I would be concerned as well that after dating for several years you have not met his friends. Do you know if they even know that he is seeing you? How serious is your relationship with him? Maybe you see it as more serious than he does.

Nothing wrong with doing things separately with friends now and then, but it is odd that you are never told about any of it. Most couples would at least say something such as, "Hey, I was planning on going to lunch with Sarah next Saturday."

I'd ask him why he hasn't introduced you to his friends. Have you met any of his male friends? Do you socialize with them together? Have you met his family?

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We've been together nearly five years. I've met two of his guy friends once. I haven't met his family yet. They live in another state but they've visited before and he never invited me to meet them. I'm finally supposed to meet them next month at his brother's wedding. I was actually shocked that he asked me to go.

I didn't know he was seeing these women behind my back until about a year ago. He went away with one of them and he didn't tell me. I found out when she tagged him in pictures on Facebook. Then I found out all the other things he'd been doing with them. He was going to the beach with them. He got together with them for his birthday and didn't invite me. He took them to concerts, fancy parties, expensive dinners and so much more. His excuse for not inviting me was that he didn't think I'd be interested in going to that kind of stuff. I was about to end it but I didn't follow through.

I've asked him how he would feel if I did this to him. I've asked him what he would tell one of his friends if her boyfriend did this to her. I get no answer.
I think maybe he's embarrassed by me. He's educated and well off and so are all his friends. I didn't finish college and don't have much in common with any of them. Have I really wasted five long years on this guy?

I am so sorry, but I would have a hard time staying in such a relationship. It appears that you are far more invested in the relationship than he is. Does he consider it exclusive? These sound more like dates than hanging out with friends.

Does he take you out places? In five years together you have met two of his friends only one time? What do the two of you do together?

To not be told about any of this is so inappropriate. Where did he say he was going when he went out to these places? He didn't answer you when you asked how he would feel because he doesn't have an answer. He knows that he wouldn't put up with it but how could he tell you that when he has been doing it himself! To say he didn't ask you because he didn't think you would be interested is a cop out. He didn't even give you consideration by asking you to find out. At the very least you should have been aware of where he was going and who he was going with!

Cat is right... he has been leading a second life and you haven't been part of it. Only he knows the reason(s) why. Ask him and see what he says.

If his response doesn't measure up, and you see this separate lives situation continuing, you may need to consider cutting your losses, and moving on. It wouldn't have been a waste of time, but it would be a lengthy lesson in discovering what you want, and don't want, in the next relationship.

Back with an update and another question. I went to his brother's wedding and finally met his family who were all so sweet and welcoming.

Here is my question. We flew in on Friday afternoon for the rehearsal dinner. I get a bit sick on airplanes and even though it was just an hour long flight I was feeling pretty bad when we landed. I took some Advil and felt a little bit better. We did a little sightseeing and then headed to the dinner which was just a casual pizza party. By that time I had a full-fledged migraine but I sucked it up and mingled and tried to be cheery.

There was only a half hour left of the party when I really couldn't stand it anymore (if you've ever had a migraine you know what I mean). I told my boyfriend I didn't feel good and asked if we could leave. He said No, I'm not leaving my brother's party. You can go but I'm staying. I'll call you a cab.

I had to fight back the tears because not only was I feeling really sick but I had the overwhelming feeling that he didn't care about me one bit! Am I wrong? I would have left with him if he was sick. I mean there was only a half hour left anyway. As it was I had to wait more than an hour because of clean up and finding rides for all the out-of-towners.

I'm certain that if his brother was at our rehearsal dinner and his girlfriend felt really sick, he would have taken her home. Would you have left with me or sent me back to the hotel alone in a cab?

You are out of town and he was going to put you in a cab, ill and send you off to a hotel, alone? Absolutely unacceptable.

Putting you in a cab and sending you back to the hotel sick seems crass and unacceptable. It's possible he did not consciously SEE it that way at the time. As a migraine sufferer, I've often experienced people not "getting" quite how SERIOUS it is and how bad it feels.

Right or wrong, sometimes people think, oh it's just a headache and you're tired. -- "Well there's nothing I can do.. and you'll be fine... so you go ahead and I'll be along later." they don't mean it to be unfeeling they just don't THINK or properly empathize with the situation.

He's a douche.

It's possible that he didn't quite believe that you were so bad off and maybe thought you were just tired... maybe he thought you were feeling uncomfortable around all the family. However, in my opinion, he should have considered that you were bad off and gone with you. He sounds like someone you should be re-evaluating your relationship with.

I may go the other way, she should never, ever had even asked him to leave his brothers wedding party. This is a very special occasion, and if it was within a 1/2 of being done, sorry I think perhaps she should have sucked it up a little bit more and stayed, or told him she was sick and was going back to the hotel.

Also poor planning, if flying makes you sick and it is only a hour flight, why did not just drive. Sounds like it takes longer to gets bags, wait in airport than the flight takes.
Or fly out a day earlier if you know you get sick when you fly to be ready for the wedding activities.

An hour's flight is about 600 miles, or 10-12 hours by car. (I know, have been doing it for years back and forth between Chicago and Rochester NY.)

Could you have gone there by car a few days early? Which city was this in?

Brother is family, and marriage hopefully only happens once, this was important to him. I don't think he didn't want to go with you, but felt obligated to stay. You are overanalyzing this. Let it go and continue to work on your relationship, he let you go in a cab, I probably would have been mad that you hadn't say anything till then and then you just wanted to leave all of a sudden.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I may go the other way, she should never, ever had even asked him to leave his brothers wedding party. This is a very special occassion, and if it was within a 1/2 of being done, sorry I think perhaps she should have sucked it up alittle bit more and stayed, or told him she was sick and was going back to the hotel.

Also poor planning, if flying makes you sick and it is only a hour flight, why did not not just drive. sounds like it takes longer to gets bags, wait in airport than the flight takes.
Or fly out a day earlier if you know you get sick when you fly to be ready for the wedding activities.

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Never, ever? Really? It wasn't his wedding, it was the pizza and beer rehearsal dinner. Everyone was just walking around chatting. I would bet money that nobody would have cared if he left a half hour early. They weren't even together the whole night. His brother was with his friends and my boyfriend kept leaving me alone and chatting up random people.

He knew I was sick from the second we walked off the plane and I sucked it up all night. We've been together for five years. He knows I get migraines and he knows they're bad. Leaving a half hour early would be unacceptable?

As for your "poor planning" comment. We left when it was convenient for the both of us. One day earlier was not possible. The wedding was in D.C. which is an eight hour drive from where we are. We got to the airport a little after 12. We were in the air at 1:00 and on the ground at 2. Much better than an eight hour drive. It was a very windy day and the flight was bumpy. I couldn't help that.

We were at the party for three hours before I asked if we could leave. The next day I was all better and happily went to the wedding, the wedding after party that night, the family brunch the next morning and stopped at the bride and groom's house before heading to the airport. A half hour would have killed him when he knew the woman he's supposed to love was suffering?

If he was the one with the headache you better believe he would have left the party or probably not even gone to the party in the first place. He's not a "suck it up" kind of guy when he's the one suffering!

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Originally Posted by mmresd

Brother is family, and marriage hopefully only happens once, this was important to him. I don't think he didn't want to go with you, but felt obligated to stay. You are overanalyzing this. Let it go and continue to work on your relationship, he let you go in a cab, I probably would have been mad that you hadn't say anything till then and then you just wanted to leave all of a sudden.

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Family is important but so am I, or at least I should be. I'm not some random girl. I put a lot of years into this relationship and I deserve respect and consideration!

Again, it wasn't the wedding it was the rehearsal dinner. I don't think a half hour was a big deal. He knew I was sick all night. I was really bad off and he could see it. It was also the way he said it. So unfeeling. There was no, I'm sorry you're feeling sick honey but I really think I should stay until the end. Would you mind going back on your own?

It was just a cold, "I'm not leaving. You can go." Perhaps if he hadn't been inconsiderate of my feelings many times before it wouldn't have hurt so much.

How long have you been dating please? And, is he the kind of guy that makes you cry often?

No one here knows for sure what the circumstances are in your relationship. BUT... for "30 minutes", this seems pretty insensitive of him to make you leave alone. And yes, I would have left with my sick girl.

When you have to go to a website like this for re-enforcement of your feelings( you know that you're hurt over this issue), then maybe he's not worth the trouble.

Good luck to you.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

How long have you been dating please? And, is he the kind of guy that makes you cry often?

No one here knows for sure what the circumstances are in your relationship. BUT...... for "30 minutes", this seems pretty insensitive of him to make you leave alone. And yes, I would have left with my sick girl.

When you have to go to a website like this for re-enforcement of your feelings( you know that you're hurt over this issue), then maybe he's not worth the trouble.

Good luck to you.

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Five years and yes, he makes me cry. It's always because of stuff like this. He's selfish and doesn't show that he cares a bit about what I want or need. I put up with it because he has other good qualities but it's becoming more difficult the longer we're together. You'd think after all this time he'd be more caring.

I've asked questions about him here before. I sometimes don't know if I'm being irrational over something small because he's done so much selfish crap that is much bigger than this. I think he should have taken me home but this is just another thing in a line of selfish, inconsiderate acts on his part.

If this is how he always is, you need to rethink your relationship. I think it was cold of him to not leave with you, but as you have stated this seems to be a pattern. This is the way he is and you have allowed by staying and accepting it. Now may be the time to say "no more"

I responded early on to this post and having read the subsequent answers, I am going to respond again. I am a migraine sufferer who also does poorly with air travel. I have gotten off a plane and vomitted in the terminal, so for those of you to say, "suck it up", you have likely NEVER had a full blown migraine in your life. It more more than a little headache. It is a horrible, systemic experience that leaves you so ill you can barely function.

That said, if your boyfriend realizes that you suffer this way and is prepared to dump you into a cab in a strange city and send you off to a hotel by yourself, I think you really need to re-look at your entire relationship experience and where it is going. Be aware: everyone in your life will hurt you at some point - you just need to decide who is worth it.

Personally, if my partner is suffering, I am there for him. I would never send him off alone, ill, to stay at a winding down pizza party. I am stunned by the people who think it is acceptable.

Seems to me knowing him for 5 years that his selfish inconsiderate ways is something you talk about, and work on, when things are calm and there is no stress or pressure. Only you can say if the good outweighs the bad, or if you can keep putting up with the bad. For sure most long term relationships/marriages requires us to be able to deal with the worst of our chosen partners, or we don't last very long, or live in peace together, because we are always mad, and resentful.

Looks like you have much to discuss. When the anger passes, TALK!

I feel sorry to you about that. I think your boyfriend is not serious and not respecting you. It is fine if he would like to enjoy with his friend for any events however it is his wrong for not informing you. He should at least ask whether you would like to join or not instead of jump into conclusion by himself. That's the lousy excuses ever that I could ever find. Plus, he never care for you and why do you so care about him? It is because of the 5 years relationship? You should thanks God for giving you an early wake up call instead of ending up marriage to this kind of bastard in future. Always have to believe, you deserve a better one. If he does not appreciate you, just ask him f*** off. I believe he does not deserve a good girlfriend like you and once you leave him, he will definitely regret about it.

Anyhow, it is a big decision. So for us, we could only give suggestion as an outsider. Decision is to on your hand whether you would like to hurt and sad for 1 or 2 months or you would like to continue wasting another 5 years and devastated yourself for loser such as him? It's time to wake up friend.

By the way, just to add on.. I just ended my relationship with almost 4 years together boyfriend. I believe he is far more better than your boyfriend... though he is immature, sometimes boring, unintentionally selfish, not romantic, not caring enough and never express his interest on me at all before, however, he does his job very well as a responsible family type boyfriend. I ended up because I think that we need to find something that we're sure what we want in our future life instead of hanging around with no direction. I suggested we should go out and experience ourselves and what we really need before we commit and into marriage if the fate is still there in someday.