This is a long crazy story and I would appreciate so much if someone gave me a second opinion. I'll send good vibes your way if you do:)
I met my current boyfriend a year ago. We started dating and became very close. This went on from May until August. Toward the end, I noticed him calling less frequently and felt inside that he was losing interest.
One day as I was was waiting in his car for him as he was inside. I was fretting over the possibility of him being involved with his female co-worker, when I saw this same chick calling his phone. I know now that it was actually nothing, but at the time I just assumed he was cheating, so I cut ties with him and tried to move on.
So we didn't talk for about 5 months and I thought he was out of my life forever, but I never moved on from him. I had 2 flings during our time apart. The first, I am deeply ashamed and remorseful of. A couple of months after I cut ties with my man, I met this charming cute guy at my friend's house. I was very intoxicated. I was wearing a skirt, and I was standing outside in the driveway talking to this guy side by side, when all of a sudden in a blink of an eye, I felt a couple fingers inserted in my vagina from behind. How he got around my underwear that fast, only god knows (unfortunately).
Being as I was extremely intoxicated, it took me a minute to process everything, although I was neutral in the moment, but stunned. Next thing I know, he's kind of shuffling me to the side of the house behind some trash cans (I know, very classy.) and lifting my skirt and unzipping his pants. I said "stop", but he didn't. In my head, I remember thinking "Maybe this will help me get over _____" (my ex man) and kind of just gave in and went with it. We used protection of course, and this literally lasted about 5 seconds before we stopped and I left to go to my car. Writing this, I sound like a dumb, spineless ***** and my shame is amplified ten-fold. I hated myself for this for a long time and still do when I think about it, I've never forgiven myself.
My second fling was with a guy I had a crush on in high school who I reconnected with. He was as sweet and cute as I remembered and we kept in touch, him always texting me good morning and wanting to hang out. He asked me to be his girlfriend, so I was like why not, even though you're not as cool as my ex man, maybe this could be something good, and he's pretty cool and nice. This lasted about 3 weeks. We had sex once, and literally he stopped talking to me after that. It really sucked and it hurt to be used but I should have known better and had my guard up.
Anyway, that happened, and a couple months afterward, to my intense joy my ex man and I slowly started picking things up again. We've been talking for a month and a half, and been officially together for 2 weeks and I am sure in my heart, mind, and soul that I love this guy. Everything is 10 times better then it was before, it turns out he actually wasn't talking to his female co-worker, our communication is great, we're on the completely same wavelength, we support and listen to each other and really just relate to each other with love and he treats me like a princess.
OKAY, FINALLY HERE COMES MY QUESTION, MY APOLOGIES AND THANK YOU IF YOU'VE READ THIS FAR A few days ago in the car, he asked me if I had sex with anyone in the time we weren't talking. I told him about my 3 week boyfriend. He didn't say anything and drove straight to my house and told me he'd talk to me later. He's like that, if he's mad he won't say ****. I picked and picked until he opened up and told me he was mad that I'd had sex with a guy. He told me "I hope you're happy with that fool, cause you sure ****ed up something good, I hope it was worth it" and just telling me I was wrong in really harsh, mean ways. I don't think I was wrong, cause hell, we were BROKEN UP. OUT OF EACH OTHER'S LIVES. I left him cause I thought he cheated on me, did he really expect me to not get with anyone?
Anyway, he tried to break up with me over that but I was fighting hard for him, emphasizing the fact that I never ****ing cheated on him or even talked to anyone while I was with him and pointing out how unfair it was of him to judge me for something that happened while we weren't even in each other's lives. So he asked me if that was the only guy I had sex with. In cowardly fashion, I said yes. Knowing if I told him about my 5 second fling with that other guy, he'd literally never talk to me again. After that 5 second encounter, I made a choice to pretend it never happened cause I was ashamed and felt dirty. I don't want ANYONE to know about that cause it's a disgrace and doesn't reflect how I actually am.
Anyway, I have been weighed down with this overwhelming guilt since that day I lied to him. I feel like ****, it's been nearly all I've thought about, from going to bed to waking up and I hate thinking that if he knew the truth he'd hate me forever and I feel like I betrayed him. I feel guilty as all hell. But at the same time, I feel like maybe it it my right to not disclose something that hurt me to him if I don't want to?
But my conscience is condemning me. I never cheated on him, I'm very devoted! I lied about my past because I hate thinking about that and I knew he'd judge me for it and that is a very touchy subject for me anyway. This is the first time I've ever lied to him, I treat him like gold, better then I've ever treated anyone, always showering him with love affection and reassurance and I never have and never would dream of cheating on him.
Can our relationship be healthy and happy from this point on even though I lied about my past?
Thank you so ****ing much to anyone who took the time to read and respond.
