Hi,
I'm 22 and have been dating my girlfriend for over 4 years. Back in the day we used to have crazy sex: sneaking it in on the couch while my parents were upstairs, without a condom, in my car, on the counter, on the bathroom sink, on a playground, etc... She also used to wax everything... WAX EVERYTHING! That was so hot! Now a days its virtually impossible to even get her to send me sexy text messages, she just avoids it by saying 'your gross' or 'im somewhere where I don't want to be sexting (like on the bus)'

We honestly have sex every chance when we're alone, but even then she is still incredibly reserved. I go down on her probably 5 times to every time she goes down on me, and even when she does I only get a BJ for about a minute before she stops. Not only that but I'm always clean downstairs and she hardly ever shaves anymore! I munch bush while she barely puts her lips on my tip.

Basically I really feel like I am the only one putting any effort in to making sex really good, I'm always shaved, always ready to pleasure, and always ready to really give it to her. I just need some advice on how to get her to return the favor, like shaving and wanting to cater to my 'needs' more often. I love this girl and when the sex is good, its great! But I seriously feel like if I put in as little effort as she did we would end up spending every night watching bad re-runs on TV. Its frustrating...

*Note: this was posted in relationships, but after browsing I decided this may be a more appropriate place for this question. Thanks for your patience!

What ELSE is going on in your relationship?

4 years is ever since you both got out of high school--what's changed in both of your lives since then?

How often do you make her feel loved WITHOUT sex being involved?

Frankly, when I was 21, I was shaved smooth all the time, mixed it up, sent naughty emails (we didn't have texts back then), blah blah blah.

Then LIFE happened. When I was working 8 hours a day, coming home, making dinner, cleaning house, doing chores, whatever--I was TIRED at the end of the day, and wanted to SLEEP. Hell, that STILL happens, and I'm a SAHM. Since I was doing all of the heavy lifting to make sure our lives were running smoothly OUTSIDE of the bedroom, sex felt like just another chore after a while, and frankly--sex that feels like a chore isn't likely to make me want to shave, wax, or spend more than a minute on the tip of a penis either.

Sorry honey--but after 4 years, real life kicks in. It's time consuming and expensive to be waxed all the time--especially if it's just going to get you sex and not a date or a night out or a surprise gift or flowers.

When's the last time you did something SWEET, not SEXY? When's the last time you wrote haikus to her about how much you loved her in texts and not sexting? When's the last time you did something just for her and didn't expect sex when it was done?

She may not SAY it, but I bet she feels like it's always about sex with you, and not about romance anymore. Women NEED romance. Sex for women is 99% mental. If you're not getting into her head, and not doing the romantic stuff... the sexy stuff doesn't happen.

Have you ASKED her what's up? Have you done so when you're NOT in the bedroom? Calmly and quietly and then LISTENED to what she had to say? No jumping in with solutions to what you see as excuses, no explanations from your side of things, just LISTENING?

Joe Brown,

Welcome to this site, first!

Pubic hair is such a thing, which some people love to keep, other despise having it. About girls, some like shaving/removing/waxing, others not. Moreover, they may or may not like pubes on their male partners. Means, you need to ask a girl, if she likes your pubes or not. If she says, YES, grow your pubes, if she not, ask what does she want i.e. what she wants you to do to your pubes, cutting, trimming, shaving or waxing. I think this 'questioning' to her will answer your question.

Moreover, when you are going to meet someone after a long while, or on a surprise meeting, or a date, you sure WAX it off, but how can someone spare time and money to WAX all the time? Not?

It sounds like she is growing up and you are not, what about jobs, where is the relationship going besides having sex all the time, perhaps she is not intereted in being a booty call all the time.

How old is your girlfriend? What else is going on in her life? School? Work? Friends? Family? Stress?

Maybe she would like to watch bad re-runs on TV while cuddled up next to you and making fun of the silliness on the screen. Maybe she would like to listen to music while watching clouds make pictures in the sky. Have you asked her?

I don't like saying this but it sounds like you have been catering to your needs and using her to do it. You talk about doing sexual things 'for her', however, it sounds more like it is for you to get what you want.

Have you tried asking her what she needs or wants? Have you two talked about the future and where the relationship is going? Have you discussed children and marriage? Are you living one day at a time and thinking that is what she wants?

Sit down together and talk about life. Make certain you are both still wanting the same things in life. Work together to move forward with your relationship instead of trying to hold on to what the relationship was like when you were eighteen.

Hello, and thanks for the quick replies to my question!
I suppose I should clarify a few things here. As far as how I treat her, it's very far from just being a booty call: I do surprise her with flowers or gifts, take her out for romantic dinners for no reason other than to just do so, cook her romantic meals, massage her when I know she is stressed. To take things away from the bedroom for a minute, I'm actually feeling like a lot of things are one-sided. I don't remember the last time she offered to give me a neck massage when I've been having a long week, and I don't think she has ever even planned a romantic night for us.

As far as growing up is concerned, we both have had to. I know I don't have to tell you about the life of a student, but I also run my own business in order to pay for it, and I live on my own.

Basically we have a great relationship where we spend many nights without needing to have sex. She isn't just a booty call, for us, me at least, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.

Synnen, how would you suggest asking her what's up? I feel like I may have come off in the wrong light here in my post and I don't want the same thing happening when I talk with her.

Kahani, I will definitely try this, hopefully it will open up some dialouge. She did stay completely waxed for over two years when we started dating. I don't mean that's exactly what I want, I just want her to take a little more care. It's not that enjoyable getting hair stuck in your teeth...

This last post doesn't even seem like it's written by the same person as the first.

You are in a relationship, presumably close enough to be having sex. You talk about this "problem" the same way you talk about any other problem - openly, not being accusatory, telling her what you would like, your preferences.

You are having sex with a woman but don't know how to suggest to her that she trim her pubic hair?

Maybe she doesn't want to wax. It's not comfortable for some women. Maybe she's too busy. I don't know.

Ask her.

Have you ever "waxed" try and it see if you think she has to if she does not want to.

JudyKayTee, I was a little frustrated when I first posted, and the comments since then have provided me with some more perspective, hence my change in tone. I also think you bring up an important point, which also seems to surface in other comments as well: perhaps I am not being open enough with her. Would you agree with Kahani's suggestion to ask her about my pubic hair first? My biggest fear is for her to wonder why I am asking a question like this out of the blue and for my question to come across as accusatory. The last thing I want to do here is make her feel insecure. We have talked about sex quite a bit before, what we like and don't like in bed, but neither of us have said, or implied that we want the other person to change. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Originally Posted by Joe_Brown

JudyKayTee, I was a little frustrated when I first posted, and the comments since then have provided me with some more perspective, hence my change in tone. I also think you bring up an important point, which also seems to surface in other comments as well: perhaps I am not being open enough with her. Would you agree with Kahani's suggestion to ask her about my pubic hair first? My biggest fear is for her to wonder why I am asking a question like this out of the blue and for my question to come across as accusatory. The last thing I want to do here is make her feel insecure. We have talked about sex quite a bit before, what we like and don't like in bed, but neither of us have said, or implied that we want the other person to change. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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I assume you want my honest answer so, no, I don't agree woith Kahani's suggestion. I believe in honesty right from the start. I wouldn't play a game - "What do you think of my pubic hair and by the way ..."

If I were your girlfriend and the issue were waxing I would have no problem if you would say, "I really used to like/get turned on/something else when you waxed." Let me say, "I stopped because ..." or, "I didn't know that." Then take it from there.

I never like conversations that get started in one direction and then turn in another. First of all, I usually see the point from the very beginning and it insults me. Second of all, I don't like the game playing.

Thanks for your honest reply JudyKayTee. I do see the merit in being straight with her from the start and will definitely bring it up. Do you have any suggestions on how to get to asking that question? Should I say something like "hey I wanted to talk with you about something" or do I just ask her one day while we are together? Would that seem a little weird/out of the blue?
I think this is all helping me realize how utterly terrible I am at communicating with my girlfriend, thanks again!

Pubic hair is only one part of what you need to talk about with your girlfriend.

I notice that you haven't said anything about what is going on in her life or if you have talked about the future.

It's great that you do things for her but is it to get her into bed? Is that the perception she has? Talk with her. Don't try to read her mind or expect her to read yours. Discuss what is going inside the relationship and outside of it. Talk about how things have changed. Find out if she is feeling different about intimacy and how to show it. Is she worried about anything?

Be open to learning more about each other and your needs. It is something that starts when you meet and continues through your relationship. Relationships grow and adapt to changes. Grow and adapt with it.

If you were terrible you wouldn't bring up the subject at all.

How about when you're cuddling (and just cuddling) if you say, "You know what used to really turn me on? The fact that you were waxed." Throw in you never knew another woman who waxed. Throw in that it made you feel like you were so special to her, that she would take the time and trouble. HOPEFULLY she will volunteer that it takes too much time, too much money, something else. You may very well here, "Really? I'll make an appointment for tomorrow." You may also hear a reason for why not.

I'm a widow, re-married. If you want my hair to stand on end have my husband say, "I want to talk to you about something." It's never good news. Nobody ever wanted to talk to me about how much fun I am - seems there was always a problem.

I'd go with the "Do you know what I really liked ..." and see how it goes.

The fact that you're asking impresses me - and I'm not kidding!

And, yes, I once had to ask someone to please trim his pubic hair - sometimes life gets busy and it's one of those things you forget because (maybe) nobody else sees that part of your body except your partner (or at least I hope so!).

Let us know how it works out.

I will add that I shave. I always have. It's just like one of those things I do on a daily basis.

Wax and ripping anything, anyplace out by the roots? Not for me!

JudyKayTee thanks so much! Next time we are alone and just cuddling on the couch I'll definitely start that conversation with her the way you suggested. I'd be happy to let you know how it turns out.

And to reply to Cat, she is very busy with school. The program she is in can be very demanding at times so I can understand how it probably is not a priority for her to do that. Although she does get haircuts/pedicures fairly often. As far as the future is concerned, we both know how committed we are to each other and have talked about marriage after college.
We both would be happy to get married to each other, but we want to be sure we have our lives/careers on the way before we can make that huge of a commitment.

As for the nice things I do, I honestly do them just to see her smile. I don't really know if she thinks they are just to get her into bed or not though, that conversation has never happened. Perhaps I should start asking her open ended questions about our relationship more often? I think that is what you are suggesting.

Joe Brown,

I went through the suggestions given by others and whatever you wrote. No doubt, there are people who agree with me while others do not, but I stand by what I said, as I would bluntly and boldly ask my partner. So Judy Kay Tee may disagree with me, but why to hesitate? If you surrender yourself to your partner absolutely, then why shyness and hesitation?

I think you can talk a relationship (and sex) to death - every relationship has its peaks and valleys and sometimes the relationship today (or this month) is different tomorrow.

That's part of loving someone. If she is busy and stressed I think I'd be careful not to put too much emphasis on the relationship "problems" (or things to be worked out) right now for fear she will see that as criticism.

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Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

Joe Brown,

I went through the suggestions given by others and whatever you wrote. No doubt, there are people who agree with me while others do not, but I stand by what I said, as I would bluntly and boldly ask my partner. So Judy Kay Tee may disagree with me, but why to hesitate? If you surrender yourself to your partner absolutely, then why shyness and hesitation?

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You may want to re-read what you posted: "Means, you need to ask a girl, if she likes your pubes or not. If she says, YES, grow your pubes, if she not, ask what does she want i.e. what she wants you to do to your pubes, cutting, trimming, shaving or waxing. I think this 'questioning' to her will answer your question. "

This is not a direct approach. A direct approach is "Why do you not (in some fashion)" not "Do you like my pubes?"

If you consider discussing your pubic hair and hoping that will turn into a conversation about her pubic hair as a direct approach, what would you consider an indirect approach to be?

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Originally Posted by Joe_Brown

As for the nice things I do, I honestly do them just to see her smile. I don't really know if she thinks they are just to get her into bed or not though, that conversation has never happened. Perhaps I should start asking her open ended questions about our relationship more often? I think that is what you are suggesting.

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What I am trying to suggest is that if you don't know what is going on in her mind, ask her. You aren't a mind reader, but I think you have been trying to be one. Find out from her what she needs. It may be the back rubs. It may be reassurance that everything is going to work out. It may be having someone listen while she vents about the program. It may be an evening of being silly.

Getting her hair and nails done may be pampering herself. It may be to keep up a certain appearance for the program she is in.

I also think you need to be honest about your needs. She can't read your mind. I don't mean her waxing. I mean her participating in the relationship so that you don't feel like you are the only one putting energy into the relationship.

How long does she have left in this program? Does she have any other ways of relieving stress? Do you? Are you relying too much on each other for stress relief? It is perfectly acceptable to have separate interests and hobbies. Time out with friends is also a good thing.

Judy Kay Tee - O, I got it! (Thanks, I appreciated you with a greenie)
Cat 1864 - I agree with you.

Now, to Joe (the OP) - You should surely converse with her on all the issues that concern you and her, in your regard. Why do not you ask her, "Hey, what the hell happened, that earlier you were always waxed up, but now there is so much bush down there/you?" It might also be the case that she wants you to say to her that you like her clean and not hairy there. There are many psychological barriers and interesting points. She might also be wanting you to remove her pubes. It might be. Anything can be possible, in love and war!