We're just not having sex.
This post is very hard for me to write, and I want to make a few things clear before you read it. First, I love my husband more than anything. He’s my best friend, my love, my soul mate. Also, I’m not some naïve 20 something that got married to the first guy that smiled at me the right way and made my heart skip a beat. We’ve been together for over 22 years, and we’ll be together for life, not matter what. The fact is, we love each other.
But….and yes, there’s a but, right now we’re having a few issues. Our major issues are sexual, but those issues are stemming from other issues in our home. You’re going to get my side of the story, and I’m sure if you asked my husband, you’d get a totally different point of view. I’m going to do my best to be fair to both of us, and express both sides the best way I can. But, I am writing this from my point of view, and I will tell you that I am being completely honest about everything, but, my feelings about this are entirely my own.
We haven’t been having sex on a regular basis. I’ll tell you why, from my perspective. The first thing you should know is that my husband works split shift. That means that he works two week days (7am – 4pm) and two weeks nights (4pm – 12pm). You should also know that my husband is a night owl. He simply can’t go to bed at a decent hour. In fact, most nights (mornings) he’s up until at least 5am, even when he’s working the day shift. Last thing you should know is that he’s depressed, financially stressed, which is causing the depression, and that this is a major issue. Not something we fight about, because we rarely fight, but something we’re both worried about.
When my husband works days he gets up, goes to work, comes home, naps until dinner (which I cook), then gets up to eat, and spends the rest of the evening watching TV. When he’s on nights he sleeps until right before his shift starts, goes to work, comes home, watches TV and then goes to sleep. When he’s at home he’s either sleeping, eating, or watching TV. In fact, if you ask my kids to talk to daddy, they first check our bedroom to see if he’s sleeping, then the garage (where he has a TV, and where he watches TV, not even in the house), and if he’s not in one of those two places, they assume he’s at work. That’s how bad this has become.
I also work. I work 6 hours a day 5 days a week (That way I can drive the kids to school before work and pick them up after, and they never know I’m gone). My husband works 8 hours a day five days a week. The difference is, I don’t only work for the job I’m paid to work. I take care of everything in the home, with the kids, the pets, cleaning, etc. etc. If you asked my husband what grade his children are in, he would be hard pressed to give you an answer. Not that he’s a bad father, he just doesn’t deal with the every day. He gets to have fun with them, when he’s not sleeping, watching TV, or working. I’m the one that has to deal with the every day stuff.
The thing is, it’s having its effect. We haven’t been having sex regularly. Part of this is his schedule. I’m not home during the day when he works nights. I’m working. I go to bed at 11pm at night because I have to get up early to get the kids ready, and get myself ready for work. So, when he’s on nights for the 2 weeks every month, I don’t see him at all, nor do the kids. So, for half the month, at least during the work week, we’re not having sex. You can’t have sex when you don’t even see each other.
The thing is, we’re not having sex on a regular basis when he’s on days either. The main reason is that I’m exhausted. I do it all. Once I’m done with my day, and all it involves, I’m too tired, and frankly, too mad that he doesn’t pitch in at all, to feel like having sex.
I’m not stupid. I know that communication is the key. I’ve spouted that on this site too many times to count. Trust me, I’ve talked to him about this. The problem is, we’re both passive aggressive. I say “If you helped out I’d be in the mood for sex”. He says, “If you gave me sex, I’d help out more”. So you see, we’re at a standstill.
The fact is, I’ve given up before. I’ve given him sex in hopes that he’ll actually start pitching in. It didn’t work. He continued what he was doing. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you. In other words, I’m not putting out until he starts pulling his weight, and he’s not going to pull his weight until I put out. I backed down before, and it didn’t work. He won’t back down, that much is clear. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve suggested counseling. He doesn’t think it’s that big an issue, and I think it’s mainly because he thinks he’ll win. Right now I don’t think anyone’s winning. He won’t back down, but still requests sex every day, and even though he’s been told why I’m not in the mood (I’ve told him exactly what I’ve told you all here), he gets upset because he’s not getting what he wants. I told him what to do! I told him why I say no! I don’t think I’m asking for too much! Can he really be that stubborn, that passive aggressive? Does he really no understand my side?
One more thing you all should know. I like sex. I’m a very sexual person. It’s just that right now, having sex with someone that doesn’t help me in any way that I need is the last thing I want to do. I’ve told him what I need, and he refuses to do it. So what now?
Any advice would be appreciated, because we’re both at the end of our ropes.
