Hello,
I'm 29 year old girl in a long term relationship with a wonderful guy. We met at college and now we live together for couple of years. I won't say everything is perfect, but he's my best friend, my buddy, my lover. We went through so many difficult situations together and I can't imagine my life without him. My problem is that I'm a flirt. I love meeting new people (both sexes) and well... often I fall in love with some of them. Usually, I just start avoiding them, and things (my butterflies) calm down. But the last case of my misdirected feelings started to bugger me. I started to play an instrument, and I developed some kind of infatuation for the guy who's teaching me (stupid love songs I guess, and he's very friendly and flirty himself). I can't run away from that because we didn't finish our course, and things are getting out of hand. I hate this feelings, and although I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, I can't help but to think about that other guy. I don't know how he feels about me, and I really don't want to know. I just know "this" keeps happening to me. Oh, and every time I think about marriage and stuff like that, I start to hyperventilate. What the hell is wrong with me, aren't I suppose to want all that?

Not everyone should feel the same way. Even though you're hitting 30 a year from now, you should not feel pressured into marriage. Clearly, you're not ready for that so don't force. Let the chips fall where they may. Life is short for you to always consider what others might think or what society tells you to do. Get a hold of your own life and make the most out of it. I'm not saying that you should break your current boyfriend's heart but at least have the decency to tell him what you truly feel and think. Being honest will save your boyfriend from a heartbreak. Don't hurt people. You won't be able to hurt anyone as long as you're single so please break up with your boyfriend before he gets hurt.

You have inner conflicts that are from not acknowledging your own feelings, and maybe they overwhelm you. Until they are resolved within yourself, stay within the boundaries of good behavior, and be very honest with yourself, as having feelings, and acting on them are two different issues.

Sometimes we have to curb our enthusiasm, and not get to carried away with our feelings.

Thank you for your help, although I'm still not sure what to do. Of course I don't plan to cheat on anyone, but more and more I'm thinking about what I want to do with my life and I guess that is scaring me. I want to stay in the "boundaries of good behaviour" but at this moment I'm trying to define what "good" means for me. There will be changes for me, I just hope that whatever decision I bring I won't regret it. Thanks for trying.

I think keeping things in their proper perspective is the key. You have a boyfriend so that's a priority, but you can also enjoy good friendships if you draw your lines between acceptable, and not acceptable.

Never do to others what you don't want done to you. Keep it real, and keep it HONEST. Remember there is no shame to having your own feelings, its how you manage them that counts. Especially the intense ones. Nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down, and you can have fun exploring, just be honest about it as you go about experimenting, and exploring your world.

It sounds to me that you are very unsatisfied with your current relationship and even though you might have met other guys that you are interested in, you don't really know the other guys. You only saw the surface and you are attracted to that surface, including your music teacher. Until you actually know who they are, I doubt that you can really be that in love with these other people. It's just a highly infactual feeling. Furthermore, these other people are filling a void that your current boyfriend is leaving. So because they fill that void, they seem more attractive than they might be.

That being said, it sounds to me that your boyfriend is leaving a very big void and if the void doesn't close soon, your eyes will constantly be wondering around searching for someone else to fill the void.

I suggest you strongly reconsider your relationship, because if it's not for you, then let it go so that both of you can find happiness elsewhere. It would suck to get married and divorced shortly after. Better to figure out whether you are long term material or not right away.

However, you mentioned that you've been together since college and you are 29 now. If things haven't gotten serious enough by now, what makes you think it will get better later?

I don't know why I believe it will get better, maybe because I think that every relationship has ups and downs, and all those years my boyfriend and me spent together mean something more then my hormones. True about the void, just not sure what is making it and I won't blame him for that. In every relationship after certain amount of time you just loose the passion along the way... Do we just pick up ourselves and look further? To which end? I doubt the possibility of being perfectly happy in any relationship at the moment, it's all a compromise (as far as I saw it, and I think I have some experience in having a long relationships). That's what draws me to these infatuations, the dream of a perfect passion. And that is what it is, a childish dream. I did talk to my boyfriend, and he thinks the same as I. When I asked him: Shouldn't we feel more happy, he replied: Who is truly happy anyhow? And he's right. None of my friends are particularly more happy then me and him, we all try to survive from Friday till Friday, get back home, and do the routine all over again in Monday. Then again, I can't know what will future bring. For now, I'm focusing on doing things that make me happy, hopefully everything else will sit in its place. One good thing it came from it all - at least I'm getting smokin' with the playing :). Thank you all for your thoughts, it helped.

Hmmm maybe you should really pick the one who is carrying the big place in your heart.. marriage is a very sacred and very special of going in a very deep relationship... think twice always.. or even a hundred times.. is the guy worthed for you to give up your boyfriend... I hope you can find the real partner for you..

My opinion for this. You are no longer happy with the relationship that you currently have. Lets face it. There is no such thing as forever. I am not a bitter person. But I do love to analyze things. You have been with your boyfriend for how many years. Both of you already knows things about each other than other people. You are just bored with your relationship. You no longer have that excitement because the stage of "falling in love" is already over. It might be that you had spent your younger years with this guy that you are so curious what it would like to be with other guys. That's is not wrong that is just a reality especially if the stage of falling in love is over.

You have to realize one thing. Now, it is your choice if you move on to the next stage which what we call love. It is your decision if you repel or if you collide. Always remember love is an act of will. Will implies choice. So you choose to devotedly love the person or not. I guess what happen here is that. You are not yet ready to move to the next stage or to have a commitment. Why don't you just give yourself a chance. Life is too short so enjoy every moment. Be honest with the person you are with. Just do a positive scripting. Tell him that you need space because you need to find yourself first. I know you might find someone else along the process. But you have to keep in your mind that once the falling in love stage is over you might be feeling the same thing to that person. The first thing you have to do LOVE YOURSELF first before loving someone.

Oh I hear you loud and clear! In fact, that's how I found this page because I was looking for advice on Google.

Having experienced the same thing you have I can put it down to the assumption that you/me/we seek excitement. We love that rush we get when we exchange flirtations with someone because it makes us feel desired and quite frankly - those butterflies in the stomach are pretty addictive.

I guess that's the thing - the butterflies aren't quite as strong any more with your boyfriend. Of course you love him and still think he's awesome but those initial feelings (butterflies) you had for him have calmed down and you've moved on to a less-exciting type of love.

Perhaps the problem lies in the thrill-seeking. Or, as someone else said above, filling the void that is in your life. We LIKE to feel chased. We LIKE to feel desired and yearned for - we can't be blamed for that! What we can be blamed for is hurting other people's feelings, and naturally you don't want to hurt the ones you love.

I've been in a long-term relationship for years now and I often wonder how life might/could be better if I was single, but then again I've spoken with single people and they tell me how envious they are of my relationship and how good I have it.

I guess we always want what we can't have!