I have been married to this guy for just over two years and we have a son. Sex had never been great and stopped completely when I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant( i.e. over 20 months ago). His reason being that he is not excited! He is a very secretive person, sometimes choosing to answer his calls away from me.He has absolutely no commitment to the family and is usually very aggressive while talking to me.
He traveled recently and I found a big bottle of lubricant (half used), cialis and a long list of gay clubs (in his writing). He has been doing HIV and STD test without telling me( found the results).He has gay club membership cards in two different countries. I have also noticed he is a member of a gay dating site(which he visits at least twice a day- before and after work).
I don't know if I am being paranoid but I really think he is gay.Can anyone be kind enough to comment on this?

Let's see - he is not having sex with you.

He carries lubricant with him, talks on the phone away from you, has no commitment to the family (I don't know what this means), takes cialis, carries a list of gay clubs, does HIV and STD tests in secret, belongs to gay clubs and has joined a gay dating site.

Yes, I think he's gay. I can't believe you aren't sure.

I am just looking to see if anyone can tell me he may not be. This is sooooooo devastating. I guess the real question here is how do I handle this, how do I bring the subject up. I am scared he may harm me.

I know it deep down but just looking to see if anyone will say 'maybe he is not'. This is so terribly devastating. I guess the real question is how to ask him. I am afraid he may harm me.

If you are afraid of him you need to get a restraining order and/or get away from him. He's not having sex with you (apparently) but if he does he could very well be bringing "home" any number of sexually transmitted diseases and problems.

I wouldn't ask him - I would just leave before you get hurt.

Maybe he's not (that's what you want to hear), but I don't know any straight men who frequent gay clubs or gay dating sites. So it appears he is gay.

My parents relationship was very similar and honestly it would have been better for all us kids if we had known about this before we all reached our teenage years my mom told me she was lesbian 6 weeks after my parents told me they where getting a devorce( they told me this on my 16th bday) I am now 21 and have no contact with my parents except for a phone call on Christmas eve to each of them. My sister who is now 19 has canceled all contact with our mother and lives with my dad and step mom the only good thing that came of the whole ordeal my BFFS became my stepsisters and stepbrothers

I can't tell you whether he is gay. He could be bi for all I know. Some people who wouldn't think of cheating with an opposite-sex partner don't seem to think same-sex relationships are cheating.

I do know that you need to talk to him. Only he can answer your questions both the ones asked and unasked. When you talk to him about your thoughts and what you have found, try to stay calm.

If it would help you feel safer and more comfortable, think about marriage counseling and having a neutral third party guide the discussion. You might consider it as a way to learn how to work together as parents even if you don't remain married. No matter what your relationship with him is, there is still his relationship with his child. Do what you can to keep your personal feelings for your husband from affecting your child's perception of him.

What do you mean by 'aggressive' when talking to you? How do you talk to him? Are both of you getting defensive and reacting to perceived aggression instead of calmly talking about whatever the current topic is? It isn't uncommon for a person to use 'aggression' as means to hide fear and feeling defensive.

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Originally Posted by Rachelrang

My parents relationship was very similar and honestly it would have been better for all us kids if we had known about this before we all reached our teenage years my mom told me she was lesbian 6 weeks after my parents told me they where getting a devorce( they told me this on my 16th bday) I am now 21 and have no contact with my parents exept for a phone call on Christmas eve to each of them. My sister who is now 19 has canceled all contact with our mother and lives with my dad and step mom the only good thing that came of the whole ordeal my BFFS became my stepsisters and stepbrothers

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Why are you estranged? Is it because your mother is a lesbian, because she divorced (or the other way around) your father? Something else? I don't understand the distance from your mother when you are also a lesbian - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/childr...ly-359199.html

I don't understand the family dynamics here and would like to - I have a family member who is a lesbian.

I think he is... surfing the net and looking is one thing... BUYING memberships at gay clubs is another... getting tested for HIV / AIDS when you are married out of the blue... is causing lights to flash and bells to ring. THAT is something you just don't casually do when you are married and supposedly monogomous.

I don't think you are being paranoid in this case. I can't find a reasonable alternative explanation for everything you indicated.

So he is gay, he is cheating most obvious and does it matter if it is men or women he is cheating with, you leave him, or stay with him knowing he is doing this/

Thanks everyone. Finally talked the talk.
He denied flat. His reasons...
1. He picked the cialis from the floor in his store
2. The clubs he visited were random. When asked about d list, he said he couldn't remember
3. He's had d gel lubricant for a long time. He just brought it into the house.
4. He can't remember the membership cards.
5. He just likes doing HIV tests because its free n he likes to kn his status(even though he is not cheating).

Honestly I am soooooo overwhelmed by this.

About the online dating site... it just pops up. (It pops up all the time because he goes there before he goes to work. Sometimes when I pull it up, it says 'u r logged out. Log in again')

Thanks a lot everyone. We finally talked the talk. He denied flat. His reasons...
1. He picked d cialis fron the floor at his store.
2. He's always had the lubricant in his car. Just brought it into the house.
3. He enters clubs randomly n they all happened to be gay clubs. Abt the lists? He couldn't remember.
4. He just likes getting tested so he'l know his HIV status.
5. The gay dating site just pops up on his system( even though sometimes it says''u r logged out. Log in again''.
6.He doesn't remember the membership cards.
7. What he does at the clubs he 'randomly' enters?. He just looks around n leaves. And then finds himself in another.


As I were a baby.

Gay I yhink

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Originally Posted by Ukenna

Thanks everyone. Finally talked the talk.
He denied flat. His reasons......
1. He picked the cialis from the floor in his store
2. The clubs he visited were random. When asked abt d list, he said he couldn't remember
3. He's had d gel lubricant for a long time. He just brought it into the house.
4. He can't remember the membership cards.
5. He just likes doing HIV tests bc its free n he likes to kn his status(even though he is not cheating).

Honestly I am soooooo overwhelmed by this.

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He's telling lies...

1. Isn't Cialis a prescription drug? Seriously I think it is.. that means its controlled.

2. Straight guys don't randomly vist Gay clubs... if they accidentally enter one... they get out real quick.

3. What would he have had it for exactly? The John Holms dildo he also forgot about?

4. You have to actively apply for membership in clubs... maybe even pay for them, you don't accidentally get membership cards for them.

5. As far as the HIV status... come on now... if he's faithful... exactly how does he think he's going to get it... thats a lame excuse.

Those are some crazy lies he's telling you. Sorry but to me it looks like he's gay... and cheating on you.

Cialis IS a prescription drug.

So... Have you called a divorce lawyer yet?

I ask because of his commitment to his family and the manner in which he is dealing with you. This might transfer to your child and we don't want it hurt.

What he wants you to believe sounds like a plot to a bad daytime soap opera. It is hard to accept but it sounds like your husband is cheating on you and doing a piss-poor job of covering it up. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your child.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

So.... Have you called a divorce lawyer yet?

I ask because of his commitment to his family and the manner in which he is dealing with you. This might transfer to your child and we don't want it hurt.

What he wants you to believe sounds like a plot to a bad daytime soap opera. It is hard to accept but it sounds like your husband is cheating on you and doing a piss-poor job of covering it up. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your child.

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I'm not sure that he isn't one of those men who won't leave - they push you until YOU leav,e and then they're the victim. He's done everything but tattoo "gay" on his forehead and there has to be a reason.

I think he doesn't want to be the one to leave the marriage (for whatever reason).