Ask Me Help Desk - I cannot express my feelings and thoughts

I have a terrible problem when expressing my feelings - I can't do it. I just can't. At least not with people I know, or know well, I know this sounds stupid, but I could confide in a perfect stranger better than I could in somebody I know.

I have been playing this game with the people surrounding me, that is outside of my family. I portray myself as the person I'd like to be and not the person I really am. When I meet a perfect stranger, I can't be honest with them for too long either, because I feel better as the perfect person who I am not than who I really am.

My fear of rejection that probably caused this took me so far, that I cannot express my real thoughts or my real feelings, or at least those that would make me vulnerable. I can keep most of my feelings to myself, but recently I have had a problem with this.

There is this girl I really like, I've been crazy about her for years and my level of in-lovness with her fluctuates depending on I don't know what, but it seems that it always comes back to her. Right now I'm back in it and I know she's not interested in me. Not that she'd have made it absolutely clear to me, but I think I can tell.

I don't know how to solve this situation. Telling her and being rejected would probably make me feel better in the long run, as it would save me from wondering and focusing on her... It's really been years. But my fear of rejection and making damage to our current relationship and the way my surroundings see me won't let me. But I am tired of being the "perfect nice guy who always does everything for everybody and never gets into everybody's way and has no vices but is slightly socially awkward for some strange reason, god bless his heart"...

She's completely oblivious to the signals I apparently subconsciously send, which doesn't make the situation any easier... Why do you always seem so nervous? How do you remember every single thing that I say, everything we've ever talked about? None of her multiple "boyfriends" probably cared about her the way I do.

Please don't judge me as I know it would make me feel even worse about myself. My angst is slowly building up inside and the inability of sharing it face to face is eating me alive. Don't add to my angst. I already know that I am messed up.

No, I won't add to your angst. You're already doing a great job of that yourself.

Why do you think you have to express your feelings with everyone? Who said you do?

How do you know she isn't interested in you?

Quote:

No, I won't add to your angst. You're already doing a great job of that yourself.

I can't help myself.

Quote:

Why do you think you have to express your feelings with everyone? Who said you do?

It's not that I have to express my (true) feelings with everyone, I can't express them with anyone. Even if something is troubling me, that I could ask the person to stop doing, I don't because... I can't talk to them. I wouldn't know what to say, how to ask... I can't talk to anyone about my life and not even my parents when I see them. How are you doing, John? Everything is great. Life is treating me great. I have a great life. I am so happy.

Quote:

How do you know she isn't interested in you?

If she's interested, she's certainly not showing any of those signs you read about on those internet self-help websites.
Oh, and what I thought was a dead giveaway, today, when we were getting lunch and somebody has mistaken us for a couple (a complete stranger), she made it crystal clear to them that we in fact do not belong to each other and acted like it would be something unimaginable... Oh, he's just a friend. Or maybe I just imagined it, I never know if my mind is playing tricks on me... and then again, maybe I didn't.

I tried telling her today, but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself, but I wanted to so much. My superego wouldn't let me.

No one is here to judge you.

It is a little ironic when you name this title "I cannot express my feelings and thoughts" when you have just finished doing so, maybe not verbally, but written, and did it well. And you CAN express your feelings.

Rejection is part of life. It won't always be all rejection, but there is probably more rejection that acceptance. It hurts at first, but it all depends on how you look at it. Even on short term, if I find myself at a club and try to talk to a female she may turn away and don't even awknoledge me. At first, this hurt me, it would suck, and it would demoralize me completely sometimes, even make me be afraid next time I was to try this again.

However, now, after many fails, and several accomplishments, when she says no, I just laugh it off and go to her friend.

What I am trying to say is that rejection is part of life, and it is better to embrace it or at least ignore it in the learning process of things. It will get better, it will hurt less the more you see it. Think of it as a muscle, the more reps that you do, the stronger it gets, and the better you get at it. Just try, if you get hurt, you will heal, and then try it again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnnyApleseed

It's not that I have to express my (true) feelings with everyone, I can't express them with anyone.

Heck, I'm 100% German-American. Guess how much trouble I have...

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnnyApleseed

I tried telling her today, but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself, but I wanted to so much. My superego wouldn't let me.

I think that was your ego at work, not your superego. :D

You are afraid of being hurt by our own actions so you suppress things. Learn to love yourself by doing something good for yourself, and as you grow the delf love then the confidence will grow and you won't be so socially awkward because you won't give a rats patoot what anyone else is tripping on you about.

Start every day saying I love you to the man in the mirror, and promise him that you will love protect, and treat him the best that anyone can.

Keep that promise. In a month, your attitude about yourself will surely change. Start today, and act like it's the first day of a brand new YOU!