Ask Me Help Desk - Help! My husband wants only cyber sex with me.

When my husband is home he never wants sex, but once he leaves out in the field he constantly wants to cyber with me.When he's online he tells me how beautiful I am and once he's home he totally ignores me. I cut him off from cyber sex because I feel if he doesn't want me in person he sure in hell isn't getting me online, what do I do?

Have you talked to him about how you feel, or are you hoping he'll figure it out?

I'm female, and I know that most times we women get so upset about something, but instead of talking to our partners about it, we give them the silent treatment, snap at them, and then sit back waiting for them to figure out why. When they don't we think that they don't care about us.

Well, men aren't like women. They need to be told when something is bothering us, because they really can't read our minds, much as we'd like them to. ;)

Talk to him about how you feel. Let him know that it bothers you. He's your husband, the person you're supposed to have the deepest relationship with. If you can't talk to him then who can you talk to?

When you do talk to him don't be accusing. Simply tell him how you feel, don't get mad, and let him respond. Remember, he probably has no idea that this is an issue, so you really can't be mad at him about it if you haven't talked to him about it. But I'm only assuming that you haven't talked to him.

I hope things get better. :)

Ally,

Thanks I have talked to him and his only response is he doesn't know why when he's home he's not in the mood but he wants to cyber when he's gone.. I told him how it makes me feel and his response is well that's how I am, but this isn't how he's always been. He also said he wishes I was a slut, what does that mean? He said he wishes I was the type of woman who could stand naked in front of an open window, WTH it makes me angry... I don't know anymore

Quote:

Originally Posted by killer_model

Ally,

Thanks I have talked to him and his only response is he doesnt know why when hes home hes not in the mood but he wants to cyber when hes gone.. I told him how it makes me feel and his response is well thats how i am, but this isnt how hes always been. he also said he wishes i was a slut, what does that mean? he said he wishes i was the type of woman who could stand naked in front of an open window, WTH it makes me angry... i dont know anymore

Are you sure that there's not something physical going on with him? Is it possible that he's having a problem getting an erection, which is why cyber sex is easier?

How long has this been going on for? Was it always like this, or is this a relatively new thing?

How long have you been married and how long has this been happening? How often is he 'out in the field'?

How well do you communicate with each other about your sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. when you are face-to-face? Do you act differently in real life than you do in cyberspace? Does the cyber fantasy end when he comes home?

Over time has your sex life gotten a bit predictable? Do you treat him differently when he is home?

It may be that he is having difficulties that even he may not be aware of. However, from what you say about him wanting a 'slut', I think he may be wanting something more adventurous or exotic than how he has been perceiving your sexual relationship.

This one question I think you need to ask him and try to stay calm when you do so that you get an honest answer: Is he sharing with others what you have said or done on-line? Has he thought about it if he hasn't already?

We've been married 3 years, and this has been going on for about 1 year since he was in Iraq and back. We actually talked online this morning about the relationship and there really is no communication at all when he's here but online we communicate better. He has admitted he realized we really do not have a sex life or communication when he's home so he's trying to resolve it online, I told him I feel it needs to be resolved at home and not online. When he was in Iraq he always talked about showing the guys my provocative picture I had took for him but I also told him No, but I do know he thinks about "showing me off." I am concerned that is not going to be resolved, he is getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan but we need to do something to make the relationship better when he is home.. We have 4 children and he pays the most attention to our daughter, more than he does me. And I voiced how I felt, and he said he will try to change. But he said in the bedroom he wants me to be a "slut" because Im stuck in the "mom" role all the time.

Maybe it is some type of stress from being in Iraq, Maybe try to fulfill his fantasy? If you want to make the relationship work then you both need to try, It takes two to make it and two to break it. Let the kids stay at someone else's house for the weekend. Have some couple time when he is home. Counseling may work too. There are many options.

Quote:

Originally Posted by killer_model

We have 4 children and he pays the most attention to our daughter, more than he does me. And i voiced how I felt, and he said he will try to change. But he said in the bedroom he wants me to be a "slut" becuase Im stuck in the "mom" role all the time.

You might consider marriage counseling or a class designed for people preparing to get married. You might look into what services are available through the military for long-distance counseling while he is away. It might help you learn new and different ways to communicate with each other that might be more effective.

It may seem like I am putting the burden on you to improve the situation, but that is not what I am meaning to do. What I am asking you can be changed around to ask him. You are the one who is here and more importantly the person whose actions and thoughts you can control.

Do you feel like a different person when on-line than you are in-person? Is it easier to be 'yourself' and let yourself be more approachable because real life can be set aside for a little while? Are you perhaps a bit freer in your responses because it is more fantasy than reality?

As a mother, I know how easy it can be to get stuck in being a 'mom' and in your case also 'head of the house' (I know you probably have a lot put on your plate when he isn't home.) It can be very difficult to separate the 'mom' from the 'lover'. Are you able to set those roles aside when you are in the bedroom? Can you get some time to be alone together without the children in the house?

As for the attention he gives your daughter, is there anything that sets her apart form the other three such as age, if he was home or deployed when she was born, being the only female, etc. Do the others feel neglected by him?

I don't know if this helps, but you have my respect for trying to hold this together and work out the issues. I know it isn't easy. Good luck.

I suggest some counseling.
While I understand a man wanting some adventure in the bedroom, his saying he wants a slut more than a wife sounds problematic to me. Like he cannot relate yo you as a wife and mother but would prefer a slut. I would have a problem with that. I don't think a woman should have to pretend to be something she is not, something she feels uncomfortable with to please a man because he has issues and does not want to get help or talk about them.

Maybe he has some sexual problems but you can't help him if he won't be honest about it.

Cat 1864 our daughter is the only girl out of three boys, I think that's what sets her aside. He does have issues from life I am trying to get him to talk about, like his mom dying when he was 8, but he's not open to that conversation and does get upset when I bring it up. As far as in the bedroom, bedtime consists of maybe some cuddling that is it, he says he's too tired from work all the time. He does not have a problem getting an erection, but he says he doesn't feel the urge or want to have sex when he's home. I am trying to hold it together but if he's not willing to get help there is not much more I can do. My boys do feel like they are out of place because he doesn't give them the time and attention he does our daughter. As a wife alone it frustrates me that he rather spend the night cuddling with our daughter on the couch watching movies instead of me. I hate saying it but I feel like I am jealous of my 2 year old daughter!! Fruthermore, in the bedroom I do try to put myself out there for him and half the time he just rejects me, so it is easier on me emotionally just not to try rather than getting pushed away. I am trying to get us into counseling but he doesn't want to go, I may have to resort talking to his chain of command for anythign to happen... but willingly he won't do it..