My husband and I don't live together right now, he's in school in another continent... (long story), but we do get to see each other often. When he's at school, we have a "normal" relationship, we talk all the time, we're always in contact, when he comes home everything seems great... But when he goes back to his native country he completely forgets about me... Right now he's been there for about 10 days and since then, he's had time to talk to me for about a grand total of 1 hour. I think that the reason we are together is because when he's in school he's alone and I offer him company without bothering him because I'm not there, but I think once we are able to actually be together, he'll just leave me, because then he won't actually "need" me in his life... (I know how this sounds, I know this is "you lack self esteem 101", but that is how he makes me feel). I decided not to call him while he's there, I mean, if he doesn't have the time to call me, why should I call him right? But that's also given me time to think about our relationship... I some times think it would be better for it to end now, because I don't want to stay in it to then lose it all and waste my time... I don't know... I figured I would ask the world what they think... Since I'm out of ideas. Oh by the way, I do love my husband very much, but I have to love myself, and there has to be a point where I draw the line and move on regardless of how much it hurts.

I am a bit confused. Are all of these places separate: His native country, your local area, and where he goes to school?

How long have you been married and are there any children involved?

Is there a huge time difference between his native land and yours that could account for some of the problems communicating? Does his family know about you? Do they approve of his marriage? When he is with you have you talked to him about what happens when he goes 'home'? Have you discussed plans for after he is out of school (how much longer does he have)?

I think if you haven't that that you need to let him know how you feel and about your concerns. You are married so you should include him in any plans you make concerning divorce. It isn't really fair to him for you to suddenly present him with divorce papers if he knows nothing about your feelings.

If you have told him and he has ignored your needs and concerns or won't discuss them, then you might consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Most lawyers will offer a free consultation if money is an issue. As amicable as you may want to make any dissolution of your marriage, you do need to be prepared for the worst that can happen.

Take care of yourself and good luck with any decision you make.

And a long story most likely means something, but you should be where he is at going to school, or he should find a school to go to that is near you.

Sorry Cat. I didn't realize I was leaving so much out. No children, we've been married for 4 years... and yes, it is three places that I'm talking about. He lives in europe, I live in the US, and we are both from south america. The problem is that when he goes to south america by himself, it seems I disappear from the map. And yes, I already had this conversation with him... many, many times.
As far as when we'll be together, he's almost done, he'll be done with school in about 4 months. We do have plans for the future... but that's not the problem. My problem is... if he is so able to just forget about me in a couple of days... then... is our relationship really worth something? Am I wasting my time?.
The actual legal stuff doesn't scare me though, that should be pretty easily done. What scares me is making the wrong decision.

How often does he go to South America, which seems to be where he "forgets about you"?

You said that at all other times your relationship is good and normal. It seems that the only time you have an issue is when he goes to South America. Why don't you go with him? What does he go for, to see his family? If so, is it really realistic to spend his entire visit talking to you?

You're been married for 4 years, you say you love him, you say that for the most part things are good. Why not fight for this marriage instead of leaving over one minor thing?

Is this really the issue, or is there more?

We go there together some times, but some times he goes by himself (he has more vacation time than I do)... what I hadn't said before is... at the beginning of the relationship he cheated... while in south america... so when he disappears that's all I can think about... he knows it and still he doesn't care. Anyway... it's hard really because there is no way I can explain it all. Thanks everybody for your comments.

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Originally Posted by ang.perez

We go there together some times, but some times he goes by himself (he has more vacation time than i do)... what I hadn't said before is... at the beginning of the relationship he cheated... while in south america... so when he disappears that's all i can think about... he knows it and still he doesn't care. Anyway... it's hard really because there is no way i can explain it all. Thanks everybody for your comments.

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Well, the cheating thing does make this story a lot clearer, and now I can better understand why you feel the way you do when he goes to South America.

If he doesn't care about your feelings then I do have to question whether this marriage is worth it, but it's not my call. This really is up to you, and him.

My suggestion would be to try couples counseling. Get your feelings about this, about the affair he had, out in the open, and see if you can both meet in the middle.

It seems that you forgave him his affair, but you never truly accepted it and moved on. You don't seem to trust him, and trust is a huge thing if a marriage is going to work.

When does he come back? Talk to him and see if you two can't work something out that you both can agree to. Give it a shot before you decide to end it. You owe yourself that much.

Good luck.

I believe you should divorce.
Two people in a marriage should bring out eachothers strength and its not
The case here. Also if he cheated already he will cheat again! How can you ever trust a cheater again? Why would you want to put yourself through that? You deserve better!! My advise is divorce and the sooner the better.

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Originally Posted by Sasha40

I believe you should divorce.
Two people in a marriage should bring out eachothers strength and its not
the case here. Also if he cheated already he will cheat again! how can you ever trust a cheater again? Why would you want to put yourself through that? You deserve better!!! My advise is divorce and the sooner the better.

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Cheating once doesn't mean you will cheat again. People cheat for different reasons, and it's not always a case of perpetual cheating once someone has gone down that road.

The issue here is trust and acceptance. I don't agree that a couple that's married should throw away that marriage unless they've exhausted every avenue first. Counseling, working together, that's the way to go. If this marriage can be saved, if they love each other, than they owe it to themselves to give it their best shot.

Divorce isn't always the answer, and I really don't think that should be the first thing you jump to when things get rough. Marriage takes work. Divorce is the easy solution to a problem that may be easily fixed if you put in some effort.

The problem with today's society is that people divorce at the first conflict. That's why the divorce rate is so high. Maybe divorce isn't the issue. Maybe the majority of the couples getting married aren't ready, or didn't think it through before they took that step. But once it's done, once the marriage is solidified, they really should be required to at least give it their all. It shouldn't be as easy as "I'm not happy, so I'll get a divorce".

I disagree with Alty completely!
It is absolutely not OK to cheat and it doesn't matter how many times the guy cheated! Even once is unexceptable and no counseling will help because the guy will cheat again!
The trust is broken! Who cares why the guy is cheating?? It's totally irrelevant!
I would get divorced and have a party to celebrate your feedom!

Thank you all for your advice. I agree with Sasha, people are just that, people. They make mistakes, I've made mistakes, and yes, he made one but that was a long time ago, I am pretty sure he hasn't since. I forgave him but I didn't forget, and that is a problem. It is hard for me to trust him when he's alone in our home country.
I do have an update though. I spoke to him, we discussed what was happening and are at the moment taking things slow because he is unsure of whether he wants the relationship to continue. My approach? I'm simply waiting. Yes, it is unfair, but the reality of the situation is that I still want this relationship to work, so I'm hoping everything will be fine. One thing I have been doing is supporting him in everything he does because up until now, I'm still his wife and I gain absolutely nothing by becoming a *****. I also think it's healthy, I don't want to be angry, I don't want to end up bitter and then sorry because it ended so badly that we hate each other... And finally, throughout this whole thing I've been thinking about my options and have been trying to make decisions for me, for my future, so that if things don't work out, at least I'll have a plan. It is very hard, but I'm getting through it.

Oops, I meant to say I agree with Alty... :)