BF lied about texting/chatting with a woman. Saw message on his phone. He had no idea that I saw it. Seemed innocent, but when I asked if he knew a woman with this name, he said barely and that they only talk couple times a year. I asked when they last spoke and he said he couldn't remember, but no time recently. It was a total lie as it was the day before. If he is not cheating, then why lie about something innocent?

That's a good question... and it is understandable that you would assume he must be hiding something, but it doesn't automatically mean something is going on.

Perhaps he is just worried that you would become upset by his talking to someone that you don't know so he would rather try to avoid upsetting you and any confrontation. Have you had any reason not to trust him? Have there been any other situations where you have questioned who he talks to or what he does?

Your username suggests this is not the first situation to make you wonder. If that is the case, then you might have every reason to wonder.

At this stage you have three options: 1) come clean and acknowledge what you saw, and ask him right out why he felt he couldn't be honest with you... of course you have to also acknowledge that you snooped at his messages and take responsibility for that... but at least this option gets some communication going. 2) do your best to forget about it... which would likely be impossible and you would only be left to continue to wonder what, if anything, might be going on. 3) continue to check up on him until you either find proof that something is indeed going on, or you find that you have worried about nothing. Either of which may also cause him to find out that you are checking up on him in which he will probably not be too pleased.

I'm surprised that he didn't ask you how you knew this woman's name.

Sounds to me like his cheating

If you are the type of person to be suspicious of your partner, and snoop in his private property (phone), and read his private conversations, you have no business judging anybody elses' behaviour.

Even though the message you found seemed innocent enough as you said, you still set him up in conversation, to see if you could catch him in a lie. Congratulations, you did.

If you go to this much trouble to prove a point about an 'innocent enough' text message, I suspect that this is not the first time you've done this sort of thing, and your boyfriend has learned to not tell you anything that might even remotely upset you.

If he gets this kind of behaviour from you over nothing, what would happen if you see he had lunch with a woman from work.

If you have reason to not trust this man, or think you do, end the relationship. Nobody deserves to be spied on and set up, over nothing.

I think it's a two-way street problem. If it was innocent, he wouldn't have to lie.

But at the same time, it's obvious that you don't trust him and you don't trust his answer.

It's a vicious cycle, he wants to avoid any confrontation with you. But the more he hides from you, the more suspicious you get.

Something has to give, you can't stay stuck in the vicious cycle. If you trust your boyfriend, then leave him alone and let him chat with whoever he wants. But if you don't trust him, then you have a bigger problem than these text messages. In other words, what else don't you trust him about?

He did not ask how I knew the name. I have never caught him in a lie before - little white lies perhaps over the years, but nothing significant. But he has become distant and uninterested in general and always guards his phone with his life. He becomes so defensive when I ask him anything specific about his day. I'm just interested, not trying to know every detail. But I also know that he is going through some personal hardships right now, the kind which I can't provide any help for. But regardless, he lied. And I have since found that after our discussion, he deleted their conversation off his phone, so there is no sign that it ever took place.

Perhaps everyone is right, if you go looking for trouble, you'll find it.

I wish now that I never looked. I had never looked before, and only did so, out of desperation to discover any reason for this behavior, after numerous heartfelt attempts to get him to communicate with me.

But I should also add that he had an affair with another women in the past, while he was married. He is not married anymore, obviously, and we are together. This was long ago in his past.

That's a lot of baggage. Proceed with caution.

So why are you with him anyway?

I love him and we've shared a lot of great memories, but to be honest I don't know anymore. I've always just wanted an open honest relationship and can't stand lack of communication. I know I have trust issues as well, as I was lied to my face and cheated on twice in my last 2 relationships. I suppose I almost half-way believed all along that this guy will cheat too, because he did before, in a past relationship. I am truly heart broken and torn. I know it was wrong to snoop, but I felt and still feel helpless in this.

I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to be monogamous in a relationship and that if truly one party wants out or even just has developed interest or curiosity in someone else, why is it so hard to come clean, show your partner a little respect, and just end things first before starting something new?

As cliché as this sounds, it sounds more like you haven't found the right person for you.

Why lie about something innocent? Are you seeing yourself in the mirror on the way you are reacting to this? This is why. You need to trust him, if you don't, then there is no point in continuing this relationship. Stop snooping around and playing detective. You are assuming things and coming up with conclusions, to me it sounds like you have NO trust for him at all.