Ask Me Help Desk - I want what I shouldn't?

Hello,

Please read this to the end, do not turn off half way through, please I need some serious professional help here as its really doing what my name suggests! :confused:

Firstly I am 18, no experience in relationships, virgin, never been touched. A lad from work who is 21 has been interested since last summer around july/august time. We are NOT dating and NOT doing anything. I still only ever see him once or twice per week in work of an evening and occasionally a load of the younger ones meet outside work and go to the pub or cinema. I have NEVER kissed, sex, touched him and he hasn't with me. But we have been texting since last July everyday. On a number of times he has invited me to the cinema just us two and at one stage he asked me out. I have always turned him down, as I never felt it was right.

This is why I am in a mess... I obviously really like this guy, as in really really like him, but the reason I have always stopped it from happening is because deep down I feel it's the best thing even though its really not what I want and everyday goes by and I think about him more and more and think well I could just give it a go and see what happens?

Please don't turn off now and go anti him, but I will tell you a bit about him. People in work don't really seem to like him. He comes across as having a bit of an attitude problem. I'm also afraid to say that when he is with his mates he likes to go and get stoned on weed! This really disappoints and I think it is this that makes me realise the relationship is wrong! Although he did give up smoking for me, I know he would never give up his weed.

The reason I am in a mess is because I just don't know what to do. People say look at the way he is around others and I think we it depends he can either be really cool or if someone has annoyed him he is a bit different, but to me he is always really nice and he is extremely different around me than anyone else. I told my friend this and she said well that's just an act then isn't it. But an act of what? Apparently he really likes me, so isn't this going to be his true side? Also I know drugs are bad but I think to myself well at least its not cocaine or anything worse, its just weed?

I often think to myself I am too good for him, but then I get this feeling inside that I cannot explain, its like a feeling the world has ended when I think about not being with him in a reltionship, but then I also think that I will never be good enough for him because of the fact I'm a "good" girl as in don't smoke, drugs etc. BUt then why do we even like each other this much if we are so different?

I just really need HELP, as I'm so confused. I really want to be with him but I think my heart is tellling me deep down I shouln't be. But of that is the case, how can I get over him when he is on my mind 24/7, I dream about him every night, I sit up holding my phone waiting for his texts, I wait on myspace for his messages and I can't wait until work for the next time to see him and I miss him so much when I don't see him. I'm not sure I could ever get over him? But I just don't know what to do? It gets me really upset as I wish things could be different.

Brain_mess,

Guess what? I read your whole post 2x :)

Now, I am not a professional, not even close. Just someone who was once your age and experienced life a little bit :).

Okay, first, calm down. I find your post adorable. Hope you don't mind me saying that. Anyway, never ever ever ever OVER worry about what some of your friends think about a guy you like. I would always respect and consider the opinions of your parents ALWAYS.

Okay, I am like you, not a fan of "weed". But I think you see something special in this young man. I like that he treats you nice and is kind to you. Believe it or not, that may actually be the REAL him. I see nothing wrong with you dating him. One condition, and that he is NOT under the influence of "weed" and does not smoke it in your presence. You should let him know that is something you are not into and you wished that he didn't smoke it, but do not harp on it, that is his decision.

I say date the young man, as long as he always respects you and treats you as the nice young lady that you are. If after dating him, he does not treat you well, or the weed becomes an issue, deal with it then.

You may be one of the ones, he trust, to be who he really is. That is the highest compliment someone can pay you. Just keep your eyes open and never accept anything less than being treated with respect.

Who knows, he may give up the weed all on his own, just keep in mind that it will have to be his choice.

When I first met my hubby, oh me oh my, a bit rough around the edges, but what I eventually fell in love with, and what I saw, that perhaps others could not , was his center core, the person who he truly is. If I was blinded by some of his rough edges, which by the way have smoothed considerably, I would have missed out on marrying one incredible, caring and loving man.

No one is perfect, and we all have areas that we need to work on. So if you see, that there is something very special about this young man, he treats you with respect and is kind to you, I say, grab the popcorn and catch a nice movie together. Get to know the young man a little more. As long as he is weed free in your company. That to me is of most importance.

So smile :), and think about what you are going to wear on your first date :)

I value, respect, congratulate you and more than admire the fact that you do not do drugs nor do you wish to be around them. Outstanding!! Perhaps this belief will rub off on this young man. But remember, that will be his choice, not something you can force upon him.

Young men do some crazy things when they are all together that they typically would not do if they were on there own. Keep that in mind as well.

I wish you all the best!!

Hey brain_mess,

I'm not a professional either and I'm about your age, too.

I've been in a situation just like you before. I don't know how this guy feels about you, but I tend to think the same way as you. Probably it's not right.

In my case, it was not right. I only found out after a first date.

In your case, you should probably go out with him, see how things go... but don't "let" yourself fall too hard, as you seem already to... Maybe he just wants some fun and doesn't want a relationship (like you seem to). I really cannot tell.
Also, it's probably only some sort of insecurity that's causing you to believe that it's not right. In this case, I really think you should give it a try anyway.

All the best!

You have several good posts here to which I would only add this. When a "good" girl/guy dates a "bad" guy/girl what often prevails is the good one gets hurt and if they are lucky, loses a little of the naïve view they have about people. Quite a few of them get trapped in the drama that they have to "save" the bad one from being bad in order to have earned love for themselves. Only problem is the "bad' one is very likely not in a place in their lives to be "saved". This storyline has made many books, movies and especially operas LOL very popular BECAUSE its so common and relatable. You sound like a smart girl. So long as you are mindful of those odds, dating him with eyes open is okay.

So very true Val - Sorry still can not rate you... double grrrrr

Eyes wide open - and heart closed until it passes all check points.;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allheart

So very true Val - Sorry still can not rate you.....double grrrrr Eyes wide open - and heart closed until it passes all check points.;)

Grrr too about cannot rate. I totally agree-- heart guarded very important! I am not so much concerned about what he'll do to her (although that has some concern) as I am concerned what she'll attempt to do with him that just won't be possible. This has the potential to become down the road "I love him so much and he won't stop smoking pot for me, what do I do now?" Some people are so inclined to test the value of their love that way when love's value cannot be tested or even proved that way. I am relieved to see you are listening, Brain-mess. Good for you!

if I Am Honest I Have Been A Little Shocked By The Replies. I Honestly Thought People Would Get Back To Me And Say. "weed!" Don't Get Involved With Lads On Drugs. I Appreciate All Your Help Very Much Though. I Obvviously Still Need To Calm Down And Continue To Think As My Head Is Still In A Brain Mess But Your Posts Have Made Me Wonder If Perhaps Im Taking All This A Little Too Far, Worrying A Little Too Much Over Something And Nothing? But I Think A Lot Of The Worry Is To Do With The Fact I Have Never Been In A Reltionship Before And Because I Really Like Him I Am Worried I Could Lack Experience Enough To Make A Fool Of Myself And Make It Go Wrong?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Grrr too about cannot rate. I totally agree-- heart guarded very important! I am not so much concerned about what he'll do to her (although that has some concern) as I am concerned what she'll attempt to do with him that just won't be possible.

Is this aimed at me? (brain_mess) if so... believe me I would never ever touch a drug EVER, but then I think to myself well if I'm so anti drugs why do I like this guy? But don't get me wrong I really do like him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by brain_mess

is this aimed at me? (brain_mess) if so...believe me i would never ever touch a drug EVER, but then i think to myself well if im so anti drugs why do i like this guy?! but don't get me wrong i really do like him!

Yes, I was speaking of you both in this situation but also in the abstract too. Only you can decide how much of what I said fits you. I am not suggesting you will do drugs -- I heard how firm you are in your position from before. But you already understand what an odd mix someone who does drugs is with someone who is so opposed to them. I just don't think that is an insignificant thing nor is it abstract. If it is indeed minor and you can make it work with him despite that difference, than more power to you. I think you said it yourself though when you titled this "you want what you shouldn't". Only you can decide to listen to you...

Quote:

Originally Posted by brain_mess

if I Am Honest I Have Been A Little Shocked By The Replies. I Honestly Thought People Would Get Back To Me And Say. "weed!" Don't Get Involved With Lads On Drugs.

If I may politely inquire... what good is asking a question if you aren't open to the variety of answers that might come or asking a question you already know what the answer will be? :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by brain_mess

But I Think A Lot Of The Worry Is To Do With The Fact I Have Never Been In A Reltionship Before And Because I Really Like Him I Am Worried I Could Lack Experience Enough To Make A Fool Of Myself And Make It Go Wrong?!

Also in all fairness to those who posted answers, you have to admit that what you describe here is a different problem than the one you originally posted... if you take out of the mix drug opposer considering dating drug user, it changes everything :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Also in all fairness to those who posted answers, you have to admit that what you describe here is a different problem than the one you originally posted.... if you take out of the mix drug opposer considering dating drug user, it changes everything :)

Wel to be honest the fact this has happened, and the fact you have been able to point it out to me highlights my complete and utter confused state I am in over this guy! Hence coming to this site for help!
Sorry about the negative feedback, was unaware that was the case, as you can see I think I've mastered how to use the site a bit more now! Sorry!

BrainMess(What a name) Your old enough to know what your boundaries are so stick to them and date and have fun. As this may be your first real date I would encourage you to date others and not put all the eggs in his basket. Dating is for getting to know each other and have fun. Guy view.