Lied to old friends that I was raped, guilt is killing me?
So last year, I lied to my friends at the time that a guy we knew who had asked me to homecoming (and I turned him down, he creeped me out) had raped me. As soon as it was out of my mouth, the guilt started to press in on me. I'm bipolar and was in an impulsive, manic state, and then slipped into depression for the entire year afterwards. I've lied like this before about something; but I came clean to those friends and some eventually forgave me. This time, though, the lie was bigger and less easy to explain; I think I did it to get attention and to feel loved or like someone was listening, but I'm not even totally sure. I would come clean to them now, but most of them I'm no longer in contact with (they moved, or moved on from the friend group), or I don't trust them not to turn on me and make my life hell (although I might deserve it). I have new friends now and I've moved on and stopped lying and gotten help, but I can't let this go. What's worse is that now I even know somewhat closer to the pain of such a horrible crime, my last boyfriend went farther than I wanted to when I said no, and I can't believe I used to be such a terrible person. What should I do to finally move on from this horrible guilt?