I am 21 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend of 33 for almost 2 years. He has 3 young children of 10,6 and 3, the eldest is his step-son and the other two his daughters. He has an agreement with his wife to have them every Wednesday and every other weekend. We reccently moved into this little flat together and we thought this would be great for the kids as previously living with his mother it was hard to get a stable routine with them. So far it has been, however I am finding it a lot more intense and stressful at the minute. I am studying a Nursing Degree at Uni at the moment as well so in all times are hard.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with my boyfriend on discipling his children. I don't feel like I have the right to, I asked my mother and she said I DO have a right to discipline the kids as it is my home too. Then again I've asked other people and they say the kids are being kids and I shouldn't worry about disciplining them. My boyfriend at the beginning told me I can tell them off if I feel they are misbehaving. However, I feel that he disagrees with me on most of the cases.

I especially am worrying about disciplining the youngest girl of 3 as she is going through the terrible toddler stage and refuses to eat every dinner she's given. My boyfriend will make a small attept at getting her to eat but after a 'NO' he lets her eat a packet of crisps or biscuits or a banana and I feel this is letting her get away with eating what she wants without having to eat what she's given. She 'won't eat meat' but quite happily eats MacDonalds so I think there's some playing involved here?

This annoys me as it's not how I was brought up and I can see she knows she can get her way easily. She is a real Daddy girl too which makes things harder as she is his little girl and gets away with a lot. I have spoken to him about this MANY time and he says he doesn't want her to go to bed on an empty stomach and if she won't eat her food then he'll let her have something she will eat. He also says in the little time he has the children that he doesn't want them to be unhappy and crying. I can understand where he is coming from but it makes things very hard and then I feel like the 'wicked step-mother' figure trying to discipline them.

Sorry for the essay but I really could do with some advice, this is only one of the disciplinary issues I have with them, but it makes me worry. I'm sure I'm not alone on this but everyone at Uni who has kids that I talk to say I'm worrying for nothing and the kids don't need disciplining. So I'm getting mixed messages. Please help me?

Please lighten up. The little girl won't starve. She's just being her age and trying out different tastes and textures, but not trying to irritate you. Give her pieces of soft cheese or deli meat or cereal pieces or cut-up fruits.

I disagree about you being a disciplinarian.

You'll get a lot further if you first become important and interesting to these children. Read to them, sit on the floor and play with them, make up stories with them, play puppets (handmade out of socks or even your fingers) with them, let them help write your grocery lists or rearrange canned goods, allow them to do simple kitchen jobs to help, give everyone chores (empty wastebaskets, make beds, set the table, fold clean clothes and towels).

Discipline will flow from your interactions with them as they learn to respect you. Meanwhile, you will learn how to make discipline flow out as a natural thing rather than as a calculated, punitive effort.

I agree with you about becoming important and interesting to them. Over the time I have known them it has been the majority of what I do with them, I read, play puzzles, even bought the girls dressing up stuff for us to play all together, I play with the eldest and read jokes together. I know it doesn't sound like it in my essay before but I have done lots and I get on really well with them, the girls even play at calling me 'Mummy' which is lovely but I know it's only playing and am not trying to replace their mother.

It's just my boyrfiend told me not to let them walk over me and so I have done just that. But some things I would discipline where he wouldn't so I feel I have to hold my tongue and stay out of the way.

The eating scenario you have helped me with a little, I understand she won't starve as Daddy won't let that happen anyway. But having not experience motherhood, it concerned me as I haven't seen children refusing everything we try and give them and hardly eat a thing. I have given up with talking to the other half about this as their his kids and I don't want to irritate him.

This is a issue that you have not had the fun of starting with one baby and adding two more over 10 years

You sound like many mothers with their first one, by the book, they have to do this or that.
First they are only at your home every other weekend and Wed. So you have them 8 days a month. So with that, sorry but dad is in control, you should stop anything that is harmful to them, I may disagree about giving them other snacks, for us, if they did not eat, after 20 or 30 min, the food went in the fridge, and they went off to play, and no snaks, if they wanted to eat, they had their dinner in the fridge.

But that is just how kids are. My one son ( now 30) most likely has never ate a green been in his life.

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Originally Posted by sweetgirl5

it concerned me as I haven't seen children refusing everything we try and give them and hardly eat a thing.

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Relax. None of them will starve. Offer a variety of foods to them, and let them take their time learning about them and finding out what they like to eat. The broccoli they refuse at this age, they might gulp down in a year's time--or next week, especially if you serve it with a cheese sauce.

One thing I insisted on was that everyone stay at the table until the meal was finished. That way the children had no "excuse" to run off to play. Of course, I had to be creative in keeping them amused while at the table--another thread for that.

I learned that having a garden and growing some of the foods my kids didn't like (broccoli, green peppers, zucchini) turned out to be the best thing possible. The children helped in various ways to plan and to plant the garden, then we weeded and watered it, we talked about it and watched butterflies and bees fly around the plants, and finally we harvested the veggies and then cooked them right away or got them ready for the freezer.

We also went to the library and checked out books on foods and gardens and recipes. We visited dairy farms to find out that the milk doesn't come down from heaven in a gallon bottle. We drew pictures of food and cows and pigs and chickens, then talked about them. We went to petting farms that had chickens and goats and sheep and cows and horses and talked about how these animal help us. (This was long before the Internet, by the way.)

I really don't have anything to add, WG and Chuck said it all. I just want to tell you to follow the advice given. You have two seasoned pros, when it comes to parenting, offering you advice.

Just enjoy them. The discipline will come later. Right now you're the new kid on the block. Setting down harsh rules now could destroy any relationship you hope to build with them.

I'm not saying that you should let them get away with murder, but pick your battles. The small stuff, like eating, isn't worth fighting over. The big stuff like stealing, or bullying, that's where you should stand your ground.

You'll figure it out, once you get the hang of being a mom. It's something you learn. You're not born knowing how.

Don't give up, but do relax on your rules a bit. :)

Another thing-- don't knock yourself out looking for food the kids will eat. If they help you plan meals, that may give them an investment to try different foods. Include things they like, like mac and cheese or veggies and a dip or finger foods made with peanut butter or cheese spreads or maybe a diced fruit cup. Of course, encourage using spoons and forks, but this can be done with fun and as a challenge perhaps. Mini flatware (like airlines have) might work best for the smaller kids.

Go to the library to the 649.1 section, Parenting. There are lots and lots of books there to check out about all different things. Or ask us. You notice we're not shy ;).

LOL! WG, you hit the nail on the head. I don't recall anyone ever calling us shy. We always say what's on our mind. That's what I love about this site. We tell it like it is. :)

Had to spread the rep, but I agree. :)

Thank you all for your answers and advice, you've all been very helpful. At 21 I don't want to be the miserable one and the relationship is good and I don't want it to go downhill.

Things will get easier as life goes on, and it is very cramped in this flat with everyone getting under each others feet and not getting outside in this weather. Bring on the summer when Uni deadlines are out the way and we can all enjoy ourselves outside. :)

Thanks again and if I have anymore questions I will be sure to ask.

And when you discipline, keep a happy face and sing or whisper or make up voices to tell the kids your instructions. You could be a growly bear or a meowing cat and then get the kids involved in the discipline:"Grrrrrr, I see some peas left on that boy's plate, grrrrrrrrrrrr. I wonder if he will eat three more, grrrrr?" It sounds stupid but actually does intrigue the kids if you make it a fun thing. And no, he may not eat even three more peas, so just growl a little more and think, "Next time he might."

Kids love games and fun even when it's discipline. "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." (Mary Poppins) Of course, for serious infractions, game time is over, but then Daddy should be in the picture.

Sweetgirl, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you know what you want and how to make things work.

It won't be easy. Being a step mom is hard. But if you keep a light heart, and just let yourself enjoy having the kids around, you'll do just fine.

Just remember what it was like being a kid, and go with that. They won't be able to help but love you, you just have to let them see what their dad sees. :)