My boyfriend killed himself while on the phone to me I can't imagine getting over it
I have known my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months but have been with him for one year and 3 months. I always knew he had a temper from day one but thought nothing of it. We were so crazy in love it was insane. I was on a gap year and was so alone are he was there for me we spent every night and day together. I'm a muslim (he wasn't) and live with my brother and sister in law (both parents deceased) so it was very hard for me having to hide him and sneak him in every night or having to sneak out myself. We spent so much time together and he gave me a reason to live.
However, sometimes when he would drink he would get very aggressive.. it started with him humiliating me in public then he started to get a bit physical etc I won't go into details. This happened so rarely I brushed it under the carpet because I was so in love with him. I lost my virginity to him (I am 20) so was convinced I wanted him forever and he would tell me every day he would convert to islam for me and stop drinking. However a year into our relationship I found out he had met up with his ex and cheated in the first month of us being together and had been texting her for a while (baring in mind he was going on about how amazing mine and his relationship was after like a day of us starting our relationship, he also made me delete all the guys numbers off my phone right at the beginning). He still denied it but I went on at him for 2 months about it and he got more and more angry, spitting in my face when I accused him throwing me around calling me all sorts of things until he finally admitted it after months of looking me in the eye and telling me he would never do that to me. It is not what he did it is the lying I could not take. After this (january just gone) I found it hard to be intimate with him and I told him I didn't think I would ever forgive him. He overdosed and ended up in hospital. I travelled back 5 hours from university to see him even though it was the day before my exam. He told me he just wanted to know I cared. 2 weeks later he drank bleach because he didn't think I was going to give him a chance even though I swore I would. Once again, in hospital. But about 2 weeks after that I told him I love him so much but could never forgive what he had done to me he had abused me physically (but never beat me) verbally and sexually assaulted me on 2 occasions (not actual intercourse) we went on skype and he had something tied round his neck. He always did this so I dismissed him although still asked him to stop. He said I will ring you in a minute so I waited... he rung me and said I'm in the garden with this rope tied to the banister of the stairs to the basement... his voice started sounding strangled that's when I started screaming and cring begging for him to stop saying I swear I will give him a chance and stick by him while he gets help (he was meant to be going to the priory the following day) but he was like if I don't have you I don't want help, I can't live without you, I love you. Then he just hung up.
I thought he was bluffing so I left it half an hour before calling his sister. She went down and rung me screaming he was dead then hung up. I was hysterical to say the least. She then texted me a few hours later saying he still had a slight pulse I was the happiest id ever been. But then she told me if he survives he will be severely brain damaged. I got on the train immediately, texted my sister told her everything and she came to the hospital with me (his family refused to see me). It was the worst moment of my life seeing him there. The nurses kept telling me I had to say goodbye to him but I wouldn't accept it. But I did and he passed a few minutes later, surrounded by his family.
I am so consumed with guilt and am so hurt and can't imagine ever wanting anyone else we were so in love I only told you the bad things but he did EVERYTHING for me anything I wanted and I mean EVERYTHING. I can't see how I will get over this he was my everything he was about to start getting psychiatric help and he was excited about it he said he knew there was something wrong with him but he wanted it fix it so I will want to be with him again but I wouldn't give him the chance. I can't sleep at night knowing that every time I wake up each day I will realise more and more he will never come back. How will I get over this. I know that all a counsellor will do is tell me its not my fault etc but it will not bring him back so I don't want to hear it. Please help I don't know what to do the only thing stopping me ending my life to see him is knowing the effect is had had on his family I could never do it to my own family but I'm scared I will get so desperate I will do something stupid what shall I do