This may be a silly question, and I may get some harsh answers, but I need some tips on confrontation, especially with how I feel at the moment.
My boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now. I will note that whether you believe porn is OK or not is not relevant in this discussion. It is the lying factor.
My BF likes porn. I don't. I feel like I'm being cheated on when he watches it especially when I'm not around.
I saw a porn dvd in the player one day, and I finally got up the guts to express how it made me feel and he promised me he wouldn't watch it anymore. This was several months ago.

Well a couple of days ago, I was looking for something in his cabinet and saw his porn collection (I already knew where it was, and that it was there) something caught my eye (not sure what really) and I brushed it off. Thinking it was just there and hadn't been touched since our last conversation about it. Anyway, I looked again the next day (we live in separate houses, but spend time at each others house) and the position of the dvd's was different.
I'm devastated, and feel angry. But not sure how to confront him about this in a proper manner without making myself look like a fool even though I feel like one.

Please no comments consisting of "it's ok to watch porn" because this is not how I feel in my relationship.

PS: apologies for the lengthy post.

Do nothing until your emotional dust has settled, and you are calm and reasonable and then ask him why he lied about not watching porn any more.

He lied because he wanted to stay in a relationship, and watch his porn.

He is only lying since it is obvious that you really gave him no choice, You did not tell him just to watch it when you were not around, you did not tell him to put it away so you don't see he was watching it.

You tried to tell him to stop doing something he has been doing for a while and what's to do.

So you go tell him you are sorry, that you were wrong in trying to make him stop, that it is his right to watch it, if HE wants to. Tell him that you don't like it, but will not try to order him not to watch it.

He did not want to fight about it, was certain, there was no talking to you about it, so he told you what you wanted to hear.

Sorry to actually discuss it, you have to be open to allow him to do it, under some guidelines,
Disccussion does not happen when you have given him no choice but to stop.

You have no right what to ever trying to change him, make him stop doing things that are not hurting anyone just because you don't like it, you were aware he watches, and need to get used to it.

Perhaps counseling to understand neither of you are suppose to be changing the other, just learning to accept them.

Next you don't want to hear it, but porn is not about you, it is just what he wants to watch. Guess what he masterbates to most likely, if not to the porn, in the bath room in the morning and so on. He is a man, men do that.

This is why he lied:
"My BF likes porn. I don't. I feel like I'm being cheated on when he watches it especially when I'm not around."

It was simply better than telling you. If it hadn't been a big deal, then there would have been no reason for him to lie to you.

"Confrontation"??

Fr_Chuck is correct. You have pushed your boyfriend into a corner; he has no choice but to lie to you. Confronting him about porn will guarantee he will lie to you.

Here's what one new site member told us:

"Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's fast and easy.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade."

Long term relationships survive because the individuals in it use communication and learn to compromise. Communicating and compromising on subjects that you are not very emotionally invested in is easy. Who really deep down cares how the toilet paper is placed on the holder?

It is much harder to shut your mouth and open you ears and mind to listen to another person's view points on extremely emotional subjects such as 'porn'. However, it is a skill that couples need to learn and practice.

You have told him in no uncertain terms what you think and how you feel. He tried to appease you by saying he wouldn't watch any more. (For all you know he has kept that promise and the dvd was moved for a purely innocent reason such as a hiding place where you normally wouldn't look.) He should not have made that promise. He should have sat down with you and let you know that what he does when he is by himself in his own home is his business. A compromise might be him agreeing not to flaunt his use of porn and/or masturbation in your face.

I want you to think about this: You have told your boyfriend you don't trust him to remain faithful and that you feel like he has already cheated on you by viewing porn. How would you feel if he accused you of being unfaithful because you watched a show/movie or read a book he didn't approve of?

One thing that leaps out at me is the phrase 'my relationship'. Isn't it his relationship, too? IF you consider your opinions and feelings to be of higher value than his, then perhaps you need a different boyfriend who doesn't mind being less than an equal partner when decisions are made.

1. Ok I kind of understand where everyone is coming from. During our conversation when I calmly explained to him that I don't like the fact that he watches porn, I did not necessarily order him not to watch it anymore. (we had the same conversation about strip clubs (he doesn't go to strip clubs btw), I simply told him "i understand that you like porn, but it makes me feel low and unappreciated when you do. so just tell me if your are going to continue watching it so that I can figure out what I will do." I guess that could be viewed as an ultimatum, but I don't want to be in a relationship like that and I told him so, and still he promises me he wouldn't do it, and does it anyway. That hurts the most. I feel that I gave him a mature explanation, and I didn't get the same respect in return.

2. When I said "my relationship", I was using it in the context that my relationship with my boyfriend apart from other people's relationships. Just describing what I want out of MY (bf AND me) relationship. If that makes sense.
I am a very understanding person, and I try and look at all different sides of things instead of blowing up about something.
Hell we even went to couples counceling for a while and I read a book strictly about men (learned a lot actually). I really want this relationship to work. But I am a little doubtful considering the situation.

3. The position the dvd's were in was not an innocent accident of just being bumped around. I'm not going to describe what the cabinet looked like, but I pay very close attention to detail, and I know for a fact that one if not a couple had been taken out specifically.

"so you could figure out what you were going to do" what do you think that means, it means you said
** If you don't stop doing it, I am going to leave you** Of course he just lied and figured he would be smart enough to hide it from you, or that he could just fight about it another day when you found out again.

Again, so leave him, honestly he has a right to do something he likes, if it is that big of deal, leave him and perhaps become a nun, since I don't know of any guy who does not watch it once in a while. You have really unrealistic goals. So you don't have to watch it, but you can't make him stop it at least in private if he wants to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by p1nkMO

I simply told him "i understand that you like porn, but it makes me feel low and unappreciated when you do."

---

You do understand, don't you, that you own the problem; he doesn't.

Quote:

---

I guess that could be viewed as an ultimatum, but I don't want to be in a relationship like that and I told him so

---

Then you need to move on to find someone who doesn't mind being pushed into a corner.

Quote:

---

still he promises me he wouldn't do it, and does it anyway. That hurts the most.

---

He'd promise you the moon if he thought that would keep you off his case and calm you down. Can't you see he loves you?

Quote:

---

I feel that I gave him a mature explanation, and I didn't get the same respect in return.

---

Looks like a demand, even an ultimatum to me. There was certainly no communication and compromise (reread Cat's response).

Quote:

---

I am a very understanding person

---

You could have fooled me.

Quote:

---

Hell we even went to couples counceling for a while

---

Was there discussion about the porn? If not, why not? You stopped going to counseling?

Quote:

---

I pay very close attention to detail, and I know for a fact that one if not a couple had been taken out specifically.

---

Do you check his cell phone and pin him to the wall about his comings and goings?

I agree, this was not a open communication, that poor guy had no choice, either throw his porn out, or lie. Her idea of compromise was do it my way or I am out of here.

What if for example, he told you, it bothers me that you walk besides me, my culture is always the women has to walk three steps behind the man. So I understand your feelings, but from now on, you have to walk three steps behind me,anytime we go out in public, if you don't I will have to just leave you.?

Perhaps I am not asking my questions in the right place. Or maybe society today is so messed up that people have forgotten how to respect each other. I gave him enough respect to tell him how I feel about something, and he couldn't give me the respect to tell me the truth. I guess I have figured out the answer to my own question. I know plenty of men that do not watch porn (both do not like porn, and do not watch it out of respect to their significant other).
It is realistic, because everyone has self control. I don't buy into the idea "it's either porn or physically cheating" as I have heard many times. What's the difference? You are in a relationship and watching another man/woman naked and doing sexual things, and acting on that in place of your wife/girlfriend. The only difference is that you aren't contracting an STD from porn (thank god). The idea of a relationship is to be with one person, and that person is the only one you look at in any sexual way. Otherwise, you might as well not be in a relationship at all. I can't believe what the world has come to. What happened to respect? I didn't back him into a corner. I gave him a choice, he made it, and now I've made mine. If his porn is more important than me, then I don't need to be here.
Thanks anyway for you people for "trying" to help. I got nothing out of this discussion but a bunch of one-sided conversations.

You make sacrifices in a relationship, I've made them, and he hasn't taken the initiative to make his. I guess I just needed to see this to reasure myself.

Thanks anyway

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by p1nkMO

I've made them, and he hasn't taken the initiative to make his.

---

What have you sacrificed? What have you given up that he asked you to give up?

I would love to meet these men you say don't look at porn or fantasize about other women. I don't know of any personally.

Would it be okay with you if he gives up porn but looks at and appreciates the appearance and sexiness of the women he passes on the street?

Men are very visual creatures (not like women who experience sex from an emotional place). I wish I could turn you into a male for a month, and then maybe you would understand.

How is the rest of your relationship?

This is how your attitude comes across for me: You see DVDs that weren't in the same place as you remembered them being. You jump to the conclusion that he betrayed your trust and was watching them behind your back when he said he wouldn't. You don't want to consider he might have other reasons for taking them out and putting them back. You want him to be a liar and according to your beliefs a cheater. You want a confrontation instead of a discussion. You want it your way or no way. Compromise need not be part of your relationship.

Were you innocently looking for something else in this cabinet that you normally don't seem to go into twice or were you checking up on him? Trying to 'catch' him 'cheating'?

Porn is one aspect of erotica. If you don't want him watching videos or movies, do you mind if he looks at magazines, reads books, listens to very suggestive music. etc.

Do you allow him to watch mainstream movies/tv shows? Some of them are even more suggestive than porn is.

Some people may not look at porn. However, they are probably not telling you the full truth. They probably have magazines, books or favorite mainstream movies that turn them on. I would almost bet you have an actor or character that you find extremely interesting. Do you consider it cheating if you allow yourself to enjoy a really good romance scene even if there is no sex involved? Do you ever watch a scene and think about how it would be if you were acting it out with your boyfriend?

You keep saying that you shared your feeling with him in an adult manner and wish he had done the same so you could make your decision. When he said he wouldn't, he may have believed it. He may still have kept his side of the bargain. You have no proof he hasn't. However, you don't trust him. If it weren't the porn issue, I think you would find another one.

What you seem to have wanted when you came here was validation for your point of view. You seem to have wanted us to agree that he was wrong and you should confront him and treat him like a misbehaving child. He isn't a child. You aren't his mother or nanny. You can't convict him of lying to you based on the position of DVDs. You can talk with him and get the facts. Reopen the subject and give him a chance to be open with you about his needs. Or you can walk away and try to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear but may not treat you the way you want to be treated.

I sincerely wish you luck in finding someone who lives up to your expectations. Someone you won't be tempted to snoop around and check up on to make certain they aren't cheating. Someone who you can trust with all your heart.

I agree with the OP. You shouldn't have to lie to keep someone, and this fellow could have just said "No, are you crazy??", so she could have made a decision, based of FACTS, if she wanted to go, or stay.

Sometimes its better to let go when you cannot communicate honestly enough to feel comfortable with some one, and confident. Even among the best couple in the world, even the small things can be a big deal, and its better after a year to know that you have issues, and cannot work together to resolve them to the benefit of both, then you seek happiness apart.

That's better than visiting personal issues on another, and trying to change them into who they aren't, or don't want to be. LOL, if its not the porn, or the lying, then there would be another conflict of styles and interests.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, and time to move on to better things I suppose. It was a fun year wasn't it?

I would actually need to say I'm with p1nkMO in this case.
Sometimes there are just things we are more sensitive about than others, and yes, that's no reason to pressure someone into changing, but I'd like to think that especially those sensitive topics are what our foundations are based on. Is there a bigger proof of love than finding our significant other being honest about exactly those little things that the other may not like? If we love someone, we love all of them..
And for me honesty makes all the difference. I don't want to be dating someone who tells me what I want to hear, I want to be with someone who can show me who they are and make it possible for me to accept them as a whole - no hiding the stains. That doesn't work with someone who's scared to be true to him or herself in front of me. I'm sure you people also prefer the friends that tell you what you don't want to hear over those that just try to make you feel better somehow.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Serendipity2

and for me honesty makes all the difference. I don't want to be dating someone who tells me what I want to hear, I want to be with someone who can show me who they are and make it possible for me to accept them as a whole - no hiding the stains. That doesn't work with someone who's scared to be true to him or herself in front of me. I'm sure you people also prefer the friends that tell you what you don't want to hear over those that just try to make you feel better somehow.

---

However, for someone to be honest with you, you have to be open to hearing what they have to say. Many times people say they want honesty then get upset when it is given. If that happens enough times, people won't feel comfortable being honest and will tell you what they think you want to hear.

In this case, she has to trust that he will tell her the truth. He has to trust that she won't attack him or in some other way punish him for being truthful or for having his own needs.

He made an ill-advised promise. If he changed his mind he should talk to her. He should be open about his needs. He should also not have to worry about being 'confronted' or accused of lying when they do talk about their relationship.

All she has told us about are moved DVDs. I don't about you but I wouldn't want to be accused of lying and betrayal based on moving something or even letting someone else move the item.

I think what you have is a unrealistic goal, she has a choice a man who will fight and argue with her and tell her he will watch porn if and when he wants to, and one who will upset her a few times a week if he tells her he was thinking about that young girl on the side of the road that was barely dressed.

Or a man who will lie and say no of course he is not, ( but of course he really is)

All men will think about those half naked girls in the mall when they past, Some men may not look at porn often but that does not mean when they hit a YouTube of some girl or something they don't let their mind wander.

Yes the man should have told her no he was going to do what he wanted, but it appears to me, he did not want to fight about it.