Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid, what do I do?

Basically I've been dating this amazing girl for about 6 months. We've known each other for upwards of 10 years and have been extremely close friends. This girl's pretty innocent with what's she's done with her ex's (as in kissing and no further) so I knew and expected to take our relationship really slow. Last week I tried something new and she basically had a full on panic attack and burst into tears while apologizing. She wouldn't say anything just that she was being stupid because "it's nothing like before." It broke my heart seeing her cry and eventually I learned why she panicked.

When she was a kid her stepdad would make her do things and do things to her. Things that made her feel disgusting and embarrassed. She's never told anyone except an ex who broke up with her right after (which is why, I think, she wouldn't tell me and I had to learn second-hand). She insists that it wasn't abuse just punishment because she was a bad kid. She also blames herself for not stopping it even though he'd hurt her when she tried to refuse.

She insists that its not a big deal because it happened in the past, but she's been having nightmares and had a second panic attack when were doing stuff that we'd done many times before (she said she was remembering a bunch of stuff she hadn't thought about for years). She says she wants to get over this fear of being intimate with someone and always says that's she's being dumb for making a deal out of it. Things like "it's not serious" or "I deserved it" or "it's gross I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm just making a big deal of nothing."

I've told her I'm here to stay and that I love her no matter what. I've been telling her all the time she's not gross and that this wasn't her fault. She wants to try to get over this by going further physically in our relationship but as of now I'm afraid she'll panic if I go past cuddling. I'm fine with waiting to get physical however long it takes, she wants to get more physical though.

Therapy is fairly out of the question. Her parents were verbally abusive; any time she did something wrong they would say "what's wrong with you, we ought to put you in therapy." Even suggesting therapy, counseling, or anything similar offends her.

I love my girl and want to help her get over this. I know I can't solve it for her, but I'd like to help her. She knows I'm here for her whenever she wants to talk, and I've been giving her constant reassurance. But is there anything else I can do to help her? Also, what am I supposed to do about getting physical in our relationship? She's concerned that I won't go further because I'm disgusted with her (even though I've constantly told her this isn't the case, she thinks I'm just saying that to be nice). Please, any advice?

She needs counceling, there is nothing YOU can do except take things extremely slow and let her make the moves when SHE feels comfortable. Take her to get some therapy for it as it seems like it is still affecting her. Be supportive, and in no way be pushy at all. This is in her mind, and only she can fix it. Therapy is never out of the questions, it is normally the people that fear it that need it the most.

I immediately see a problem in your relationship:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alecs

She's concerned that I won't go further because I'm disgusted with her (even though I've constantly told her this isn't the case, she thinks I'm just saying that to be nice).

This is evidence that she doesn't trust you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alecs

...but as of now I'm afraid she'll panic if I go past cuddling.

And this is evidence that you don't trust her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alecs

I'm fine with waiting to get physical however long it takes, she wants to get more physical though... also, what am I supposed to do about getting physical in our relationship?

She is suffering, which, is bad enough, but you don't have to suffer with her. It's clear from her episode she can't provide you with anything physical at this time, and it's anyone's guess as to when she will be able to. It could be years before she is ready, are you really willing to wait that long?

Personal opinion: I don't know how to offer support to someone who has such deeply rooted demons as this. If I was in your shoes, I'm certain I'd end the relationship, just like her ex-boyfriend did. Not because I think it's disgusting, but, because she clearly just isn't in the right state of mind to be in a relationship.

Also, therapy is not out of the question. That is her best shot at fixing this issue.

Agreed, she starts counseling, and at the opinion of the counselor, you may join in at some point in some sessions.

She refuses to go to therapy or anything like it. What am I supposed to do?

First of all I feel really sorry for you and for her. It's so sad she had to go through all this.

If she doesn't want to go to counseling, how about you see a good counselor and let them know about her situation and ask the counselor some ways in which you can open her up to the idea of counseling ?

Tell her she doesn't need counseling because she is mad or something. If we are badly wounded we go to a doctor, in a similar way if we are deeply emotionally wounded we go to a counselor.

How old are you both? If you have only been dating 6 months, just do fun things and focus on other areas of the relationship. You cannot, and are really not qualified for the help she may need, nor should you push her to the help You think she needs. Always keep in mind its her comfort level that counts, so don't push, just relax, and let you both get comfortable with each other. Sure you can just let her lead, but its being a good, thoughtful guy for now is sufficient. If she panics be reassuring, AND PATIENT, and just pay attention, without pressing for details and NEVER make a promise you can't keep. That means keep it real, and none of that gallant love forever crap. Way to soon for that.

Your girlfriend needs to talk to a therapist that deal with childhood sexual abuse. It's not easy to talk about and is traumatic to the person, but it is a part of the healing process and moving forward to a brighter future. Sexual abuse can do one of two things. The individual can be sexually premiscious or retreat in a fetal position because of the memories of the abuse. Dealing with the abuse with the help of a trained therapist can move her from victim to survivor. It will also protect her from further abuse from others. When some has been a victim of sexual abuse they can be vulnerable to abusive individuals. Meaning she has a mark on her forehead saying "abuse me". Until then she cannot have a healthy sexual relationship with you until she gets the help she needs.

She could be fearful of therapy. Talking about sexual abuse trauma is very difficult... bringing up memories that she would rather forget. Unfortunately for her... not talking about the abuse will only traumatise her more. Many victims suffer from PTSD... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... they can also suffer from BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder.

You cannot make her go to therapy. It's a decision she has to make on her own. She needs cognitive therapy and often recalling traumatic events. Many theraptists today try not to go down this road because it only emotionally injures the abuse sufferer. It a slow painful process. If you can handle the lack of intimacy in your relationship or the possibility of walking on eggshells... then you will need to be patient with her.

We're 19. I'll keep suggesting therapy, but it's not going to happen any time soon.

Hey Bro,

How are things going with you and your girlfriend. I hope all is getting better.

I'm in a similar situation, that you are in. I am 25, with a 8 year old, she is 19. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 months, and I love her to death, so does my son. She was molested multiple times by her fathers friend, and him during her childhood, they would fondle her, watch her get undressed, take showers, make sexual comments to her. It also occurred on her 16th, 17th birthday, and a month ago. We recently found out the she is 8 weeks pregnant. She currently resides in Pa, I'm living in De.

She has moved back and forth from De, to Pa multiple times. When she resides in pa she is living with her aunt, and uncle who is allowing her father to reside with them, and her. She has not told ANYONE about the recent abuse except for me. I than going on my morals, my upbringing, what I was taught that if some hurts a female in any shape, way, form. Than to do something about it, she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything. I broke that promise and told her mom mom. Her mom mom told me that she knew that something had happened to her in the past, but did not believe that my fiance's father would do something like that. Her mom mom than told her aunt and her aunt and her mom mom confronted her about it, she told them that I was lying and that I was just trying to start drama.

My fiancé was upset with me about that. Than she moved back to Pa for a week. A few days after we confirmed that she was pregnant, and a argument between her cousin and her she stated that she was sorry for what she was doing, she was being stupid, and that she realizes that she shouldn't be away from me and my son. Also her mom mom sat down and told her that one of us will need to make a sacrifice and unfortunately it can't be me because I have a son, and that if one of us didn't we wouldn't be together much longer.

She than decided to put her self in a program/house that assists her with getting her on her feet. After a week and a half. We went down to Pa to visit her uncle that was diagnosed with cancer and was only given 7 months to live. She than stated that she wanted to move back to Pa, that's were we stand today.