Ask Me Help Desk - I'm having an affair!

I am married to the most loveliest man in the world, who works bloody hard and provides for me and our children. Two years ago he had an affair and I think he was about to leave me. I found out about his affair when he sent a text meant for his lover to me, he was in hospital at the time after having a very serious accident in which he nearly died!

We have never ever dealt with the affair as he was too ill to talk, or so he says but managed to spend time talking to his lover on the phone an hour at a time but only managed 2 minutes talking to me!
At the time I was more concerned about his health than what had happened and knew that his recovery period would be lengthy and therefore he could have no contact with this woman again! It took 18 months to recover from his injuries and then all of a sudden he nearly died again when his appendix burst and again I spent another 8 weeks looking after him.

I really don't think he would cheat again but has spent the last 2 years doing things I now see as being controlling, like saying he didn't want me going out for evenings with friends as he would have a panic attack or if I wanted to see family say things like he can't sleep without me. He phones and texts me at least 30 times aday to see where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing!

Just before Christmas I met this lovely guy who is having major relationship problems and as we got talking we found we have a lot in common and have now fallen in love. He wants me to leave my husband and he will leave his fiancÃ©e and he wants us to all live together, he is the most kindest, gentlest non possessive man and I know he loves me. I am so confused, I know I should never have got involved with this man as he is so lively and deserves to be loved wholeheartedly, he is absolutely in love with me and it's breaking my heart that I am hurting him with my situation. Some days I want to be with him and run somewhere and live happily ever after but other days I want to work it out with my husband for the sake of the children!

If he never had his affair then I would never have felt worthless and enjoyed attention from another man and therefore I would never of started an affair! I am genuinely in love with both guys!

If what you say is true, that you genuinely love them both, then, leave the latter. You and your husband should talk about this. You have children. Its I,portamt for children to grow up with a working functional and stable family. A husband being possessive is no reason to look for someone else who isn't possessive. It seeks like you're having a fling, something fun and exciting. End it.

I know your right, and the longer I keep the affair going the harder it will be to leave. I tried to end it yesterday and it was so so hard just to see the look of complete devastation on my lovers face. I also think how I would feel seeing the same look on my husbands face, and it would crush me but I would also say now you know how it feels. I am not a cold hard person, and I hate hurting people, but this affair started as fun, and that's all we wanted but has turned to love very quickly. My husband is very affectionate but Every time he comes near me I freeze and when he kisses me I feel nothing, just a tight knot in my stomach. I know the feelings I have for my lover will settle and the feelings of first love will fade, as it always does. I just don't want to hurt either of them but I know I am going to rip one of their hearts out and everyday I hate myself for it!

Reality check: Time to take a cold hard look at reality. Your 'lover' is a cheater just like your husband is. I wonder how many other traits they share that you just haven't seen in the second man.

I highly doubted your husband showed how possessive and controlling he could be until events caused him to feel like less of a man. Your husband is showing his insecurity by being possessive and emotionally controlling. You have shown yours by saying that since he was injured you knew he couldn't do anything with another woman while he was recovering. Do you trust your husband?

How was your marriage before your husband's accident? The time when this loving man was definitely unfaithful to you? How was your relationship when you first got together? How long have you been married? How much energy have you put into keeping your marriage fresh and viable?

Your 'lover' is someone else's lover and potential husband. He is cheating in the same way your husband did only then you were the innocent party. You are in the position that your husband's lover was in and I bet you are being fed the same lines. He may believe what he is saying, but they have no value at this time because he is expected to marry someone else.

If you choose to stay with your husband, sit down and talk with him about the issues. Stop sweeping the problems under the rug and deal with them. Be open and honest with him about this other man so that he can make his own decisions about whether he wants to stay in the marriage. If you decide together to work on the marriage, counseling is one option to consider.

Do not decide to stay together just for the children. If you aren't happy as a couple your children will pick up on those emotions. Children tend to be more aware of what is going on than adults think. They become very concerned when adults don't live by the same rules they give their children. Remember that children tend to mimic the relationships they witness when they become adults and start dating.

Do not leave your husband for another man. If you leave, do so because it is best for you and your family. Do so because you are unhappy in your relationship and there are no other viable options. If you leave the marriage, you will need time to heal and to allow the emotional dust storm to settle. You will need time to deal with the reaction of your children and helping them adjust to the new arrangements. You will need to take care of yourself and not allow yourself to use another person as a bandage or crutch while you heal. If you leave for another person, it will be all to easy to create a pattern of sliding from one relationship into another one when the current relationship becomes tedious.

Take care and good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I would never walk out of one relationship and into another - you learn nothing from the first relationship and don't have time to know if the second is a good move or not.

Your husband cheated. You know how it made you feel. Now you're cheating on him - despite knowing the pain that cheating can cause.

If you want out of your marriage you have every right to walk away. For that matter unhappiness ALONE is grounds to walk away - you don't need adultery or any other "legal" reason.

My concern in this is exactly what "Cat" said - you are involved with a man who cheats. In fact, you are involved with two of them, but I am only addressing the "boyfriend." Your "boyfriend" looks his fiancé in the face on a regular basis and lies to her. You look your husband in the face and lie to him. Maybe you deserve each other.

My solution would be - he tells his fiancé it's over. You tell your husband it's over. You both get untangled from your current situations. In the meantime you leave each other alone.

When the dust settles, see where the "boyfriend" relationship is - good, bad, indifferent.

When you are hurting or vengeful or unhappy it's very easy to mistake a very bad error in judgment and "love."

And I can't get past the "boyfriend" who doesn't have the, umm, courage to leave the fiancé so, instead, he lies to her.

Sounds like he has some serious personal flaws.

The lover wanted to tell his fiancÃ©e it was over 2 weeks ago and he wants to leave as he desperately unhappy. I said no as I'm not ready to make the move. I wanted to wait 6 months and see if we still feel the same and if we do then it was time to tell.

Good advice everyone, I appreciate it. The marriage was amazing or do I thought till he was unfaithful, Every time I look at him it reminds me of what he did, I think if in honest I wanted revenge but fell in love! The lover has said his partner can have the house and all possessions he wants me and will leave as soon as I say. I actually stopped him leaving yesterday by telling him I was not ready, which I'm not! If I leave my marriage then time with my children is my main priority as they will be scarred enough even though they are slightly older at 21,17,12 and 11. I also know that his family will hound me forever and with good reason! Even though they didn't think he had done too much wrong when he had his affair! I really appreciate all your answers and I do know what I need to do. I know my husband will forgive me, as that's the kind of guy he is. I just wish he hadn't broken our marriage vows as we have been married 14 years and I thought everything was perfect. I know it takes two but his head was turned by a school teacher 15 years younger!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buttermere23

The lover wanted to tell his fiancÃ©e it was over 2 weeks ago and he wants to leave as he desperately unhappy. I said no as I'm not ready to make the move. I wanted to wait 6 months and see if we still feel the same and if we do then it was time to tell.

Why does what HE does depend on what YOU do? If you never leave does that means he remains unhappy in his current relationship?

I personally would NOT want to be the cause of hurting another woman in this fashion. If his relationship is over, it is and he moves on. Maybe the two of you come back together. Maybe you don't.

I've posted this before - my late husband was divorced 12 years before I MET him. His "ex" still blamed/blames me for their divorce. It was a horrible situation to be in - and here was no truth to it! I can't imagine living with family members and children who know it IS the truth.

If it's over because he's met you - I question his character.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buttermere23

Good advice everyone, I appreciate it. The marriage was amazing or do I thought till he was unfaithful, Everytime I look at him it reminds me of what he did, I think if in honest I wanted revenge but fell in love! The lover has said his partner can have the house and all possessions he wants me and will leave as soon as I say. I actually stopped him leaving yesterday by telling him I was not ready, which I'm not! If I leave my marriage then time with my children is my main priority as they will be scarred enough even though they are slightly older at 21,17,12 and 11. I also know that his family will hound me forever and with good reason! Even though they didn't think he had done too much wrong when he had his affair! I really appreciate all your answers and I do know what I need to do. I know my husband will forgive me, as that's the kind of guy he is. I just wish he hadn't broken our marriage vows as we have been married 14 years and I thought everything was perfect. I know it takes two but his head was turned by a school teacher 15 years younger!!!

The fact that he behaved badly doesn't mean you have to behave badly.

Could I forgive him? I honestly don't know BUT very probably not. I don't know how you've survived during the time frame you've lived with this knowledge.

I just don't think your current situation is the answer.