Dear all,
I have been in a serious committed relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 years and we still did not have sex yet. At the start she wasent ready so I gave her time and after a year yet she was not ready I gave her time then also. At that time we both were in college. So she said after graduation she will be ready but eventually she wasent. Now we are both working she is 22 years old and I am 23 years old we both have done other things sexually like oral 69 mutual masturbation. I have asked her is something bothering you or you have some issues regarding sex let's talk it out. As we do talk a lot about each others problems and joys in life. We have a great friendship and we were best friends before we became a Couple. Well according to her she doesn't feel like having sex the whole acts kind of weirds her out. And she is very apprehensive about the pain as she is a virgin. I told her to research on the net that pain is minimal. Not to that extent. And still she is like no I just don't feel like doing it. Her sex drive is not low. Its pretty high and it was very very high at the start of our relationship but I understand as time goes by sex drive decreases but I doubt that's not the reason for not having sex for the 1st time. Please give me an advise on how to deal with this situation. Every day I think there is something wrong with me or the relationship or she is losing interest in me. But when we talked about that she says she has not and loves me very much but the whole act of having sex she is not ready for it. I mean if a girl is not ready for sex after more than 3 years of a relationship then when will be she ready?

One answer you may not like and she may not be able to say is 'after marriage'. Some people regardless of their up-bringing or because of it are not comfortable having sex without full commitment of marriage.

She may be concerned about the pain. There is no way to say whether she will have very little or a lot. For some women it is extremely painful even with taking steps to mitigate the pain. Fingers and toys can help loosen and stretch the hymen (if it is present. Some females lose theirs long before they ever have sex through normal childhood play, use of tampons, etc.) Having a thoughtful and patient lover can help. However, no one can predict what any particular female will experience the first time she has sex.

For some people the thought of pregnancy is a major factor in choosing whether to have sex. No form of birth control is 100% effective and even the slightest chance of pregnancy can put a mental block on having intercourse.

For some, sex is a major step in a relationship and isn't something to be taken lightly even after three years. It is a possible lifetime bond.

Only she will know when she is ready or what conditions need to be met. The issue is that she needs to find out what they are and communicate them to you.

Are you both being as open about your thoughts and needs as you think you have been?

You need to decide if you can meet her conditions or if you need to walk away and find someone who is more open to having sex.

Dear Cat1864,
Thank you for your reply. Well pre maratial sex is not her concern she is like she didn't know what will she feels after 3 years of the relationship. She is still not ready according to her. I have asked her is it due to marriage and all? And she wad like no its not that I just don't feel like it. She herself has had put up the previous timeliness I have not. I even told her this that 3 years before you could have told me this beforehand and her answer to that is I didn't know how I would feel about it 3 years later. Well my point is I don't want to break up with her over sex as she was there for me during my dark times. And we have a great relationship. Her current feeling towards this relationship is that she is happy. And I am glad it's that way.I am not a dog but I am a man and I do have needs. So I really don't know what to do. And I seriously don't know what's her deal. Why is she behaving like this about sex. It's a intergal part of a relationship to me and Not just sex is the whole relationship. I have asked her this also that you think you will be bonded to me life long after having sex so you don't want to do it? And her answer has no its nothing like that and in today's world no one cares. Then still what's the issue? And I don't want to end the relationship just because of sex. Your valuable feedback will be of great help to me..

This may sound strange to you, but I am going to suggest couple's counseling.

Without talking to her, I can only guess what she is thinking and feeling. I know you are trying to convey what she has told you. I just don't know if she what she is telling you is all of what she feels or if she even knows. Many times we deny thoughts and feelings that in the deepest reaches of our being we cradle and nurture. Is she? I don't know. If so, she may not realize it. Talking to a neutral third person may help her and you uncover the real issue and determine where to go from there.

After three years, sorry , she may not be saying it, but I would still go with the Marriage issue, it is a lot more important than you may think. Thus the reason still.

Also sorry you are not the one having the pain, it can be very painful to some women, esp those that are scared.

I do some in person counseling and just yesterday, a couple ( well the women anyway) decided to move out and just "date" with no sex until the man decided to marry, since after several years there was no talk about it.

Dear All,
I have been a little busy with work so haven't been able to reply to the thread.. well in the past few days I have had a recent development in my life. That is a girl is literally throwing her self on to me. And I just expected to meet and talk to her that I have a girlfriend with a serious commitment but we ended up making out and all. I can't help but notice that this girl is much more passionate and has the sexual libido as me, unlike my girlfriend. I think that I am falling for her. My current girlfriend has said I won't stop you if you want to walk away from this relationship the door is open many many times. But I can't do that to her as I love her very much and she has helped me monetarily emotionally as much as possible and I am forever in her debt. I just don't want to think that just because I have huge passionate make out sessions with this new girl that I should break up with me current girlfriend. I know I am cheating on her but I can't help it 3 years without sex and a promise of sex with another girl who is much more attractive than my current girlfriend. Please tell me what to do? I know I sound like a pig but I am in deep **** and I want a solution.

Abhirup

Break up with your girlfriend. Do not immediately hop into bed or a relationship with this new female. (Does she know you are in a supposedly committed relationship? If so then she has some moral issues you might want to think about and I am not referring to premarital sex.) Give yourself time to think about what you want without having another person influencing your thinking.

If you aren't happy in the relationship, then get out. You should not stay in it because of sense of obligation. Frankly, you do not seem to love your girlfriend as much as you seem obligated to love her and stay with her. Let her go to be with someone who wants her as she is. At this time, I don't think that person is you.

I think she needs time to herself to think through her own issues and find out what she needs to make herself happy.