Hello everyone...

I've done something I shouldn't have done and said I never would..

9 years ago I met my husband we fell in love and got married, it will be my 6th year of marriage this year.
About 2 years ago I started getting attention from another male at work I didn't really know how to take this Attention' at first as I had always been a big girl and not very attractive and had 0 confidence, I had started to lose weight and that's when this attention began..
I started seeing him just on the odd occasion for a few hours, we would just chat- this went on for about 12 months then it turned physical, I started to fall for him... Here's the worst part I know he is using me... But I can't say no, he only ever gets in touch when he want 'it' or wants a favour... I can't say no to him, I know he probably has a long list of women he can just call upon when he feels in the mood.. I know its wrong... I just don't know why I can't say no to him, deep down I think its because I'm hoping he will begin to feel the same, I know, I'm deluded!

I love my husband with all my heart, I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore, he is the most wonderful man.. our relationship just got to a stage where routine kicked in and it is the same thing day in day out, with this other male I feel excited- but I know it wrong! The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt my husband but I already have without him knowing it. I know I'm selfish, I know I'm evil for what I'm doing, I just don't know why I'm doing it!
Please help me :(

I'm not sure what you're asking. Do you want one of us to tell you that you're right; it's wrong? You're in a pointless relationship that is bound in the long run to destroy your marriage. Do you need us to tell you that? You already know it. You've said so. So what are you waiting for? End it now, get into counseling (alone, first, to figure out what is driving your decisions), and take a step back to decide whether you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Having an affair during a lull in your marriage only clouds whatever the issue might be that you're avoiding dealing with. It sounds as if you are suddenly getting attention for your looks and are having trouble sorting out reality from fantasy. It's seductive to find that men are attracted to you when you've found that problematic in the past, but you can't let that interfere with your life. Could it also be boredom? Brain freeze from bad media stereotypes flooding you constantly? Lying is never the answer, and you're lying every day.

Get help to sort it out, and meanwhile focus on your marriage. Let your husband, who you say you love with all your heart, have the pleasure of your newly-slim self and your undivided attention. And always remember that no matter how attractive the other man might seem to you right now, at the end of the day, he's just another guy, with all the usual guy stuff going on.

Help with what? Don't worry the guilt of your bad behavior will eat at you until your home is a wreck as well as your work. When you get miserable enough, you will do what's right for yourself, and maybe, just maybe you hubby will be there to help.

Be aware, the longer the bad behavior goes on, the more guilt you build up. So lets be REAL, what do you think you should do?? OH, and us calling you names and beating you up won't help you relieve your guilt, but some positive actions to Good Orderly Direction will.

Thank ou for you input and advice guys, the way I'm acting is scaring me, I think I just need to work what the hell it is I'm expecting and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I do live with guilt everyday of my life and I will continue to live with that guilt for the rest of my life... I just dot know what to do anymore.

No, you need to have some self respect and at least honor for your husband and either stop the affair or divorce your husband.

I would hope at least you are getting something, money or things, since at least the hookers on the street have something to show when they use their bodies.

Stopping the behavior that causes the guilt is the first step! That will give you strength to figure out the next step.

I would stop making excuses (you were big, now you aren't) for your behavior and take a good, long look a yourself. You are betraying your husband. You are risking your marriage.

You know that. You just don't know what to do.

Either keep having the affair and hope your marriage doesn't explode or end the affair - and hope your marriage doesn't explode.

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you and your guilty conscience.

Sympathy is one thing I am not asking for off anyone. And I'm certainly not making excuses there are no excuses for what I am doing. I'm just struggling to understand why I'm doing it and why I can't stop. I don't think it's fair to compare me to a hooker on the street though is it?
Thank you all for answering though.

It sounds as though your marriage has been in a bit of a rut and, instead of talking to your husband about it, or working at making things better, you found it easier to enjoy the attention from another man. It can be difficult to bring up and discuss problems in a marriage, but that is what is necessary at times.

Your lack of self-esteem is an additional issue that you need to address. You know this guy is using you, yet you keep going back for more. It is not the guy your crave, it is the attention and how it makes you feel about yourself.

Let your husband know that you need to have a serious talk with him about the state of your marriage. Figure out what you need and want from him and let him know. He may be feeling the same way, or he may be oblivious. Either way, nothing will change if you don't bring it up.

Your self-esteem will take a hit when you have no integrity. Gain that back by ending the affair. Find way to bring back what you once had with you husband. Try new things together, do something you both enjoy that you haven't done in a long time, go somewhere together, anything. Consider marriage counseling.

End the affair as it will go no where quickly. Your marriage will likely be over and you already know this other guy is certainly not someone you could ever trust. More than likely you will find yourself on your own if you don't end it.

The sad thing is that you've had two years to stop your behaviour with this other man. Why you didn't, doesn't have anything to do with your weight or self esteem. Anything you throw out there as an excuse for your behaviour, isn't enough to destroy a marriage over.

Marriages are hard work, with two people who put eachothers needs, first. It seems to me you have a good man in your husband, as you've described him. Why didn't you turn to him when you knew you were making choices to go down a road you had no business being on.

You are smart enough to know that the man you are having an affair with is using you, yet you don't stop. You're smart enough to know that your husband is being lied to and cheated on, yet you don't stop. Please tell me that while you choose to continue self destruct, that there aren't children involved here as well?

You do realize that with this other man sleeping with other women, it is possible you could wake up one morning with an STD?

You are not a cavewoman, and this is excuseable because men just club women in the head and drag them off. YOu are not a wild animal in the animal kingdom driven by primal urges to a point where you cannot control yourself. Yet this is how you make yourself out to be.

All you can do, is put on your big girl pants, sit your husband down, give him the luxury of the truth, without blaming HIM for what you've done, and be prepared for him to boot your sorry *** out.

And that's how it goes in this day and age sadly. If your situation isn't one more glaring example of why half (or more, not up on the latest statistics) fail, I don't know what is.

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Originally Posted by twinkleyes1

Sympathy is one thing I am not asking for off anyone. And I'm certainly not making excuses there are no excuses for what I am doing. I'm just struggling to understand why I'm doing it and why I can't stop. I don't think it's fair to compare me to a hooker on the street though is it?
Thank you all for answering though.

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You did it because it made you feel better, and was easy to do. Unfortunately, there are consequences to your quick, easy fix to feel better, and I am sure you have thought of them, and are afraid. FEAR, and GUILT, are a helluva combination. Sooner, or later, you will forget WHY you do it, and figure out WHAT to do about it. To keep doing it and trying to figure out WHY, gets you NOWHERE!!

I wouldn't compare you to a hooker on the street though, because they know WHY they are hookers... MONEY!!

I will compare you to a junkie, that has to have a fix to feel better. And like a junkie, it gets worse unless you stop!

I've ended it... It's over and as I expected it was taken with a pinch of salt on his part.
Now I need to work out how to tell my husband what I've done I know he has a right to know and whatever decision he makes I know I will have to live with it.
Thank you to everyone who answered my question I wanted people to be straight talking, it's what I needed- I'm a human being who made a MASSIVE mistake.
Thank you again