My 22-month old has been testing my patience and it is very hard for me to control my temper. I tend to raise my voice at her when she acts up. I noticed when she is with her nieces and gets mad at them, she screams at them. Is it because she is imitating me? Is it too late to reverse this and have her not scream? Or is it a phase she is going through? I am afraid I sent her this message that if she is angry that you raise your voice.

She's at "that age" that is known as the Terrible Twos. And, yeah, she's undoubtedly imitating Mommy. As a librarian :), I suggest you go to your library and check out some books on two-year-olds and read up on how to deal with yours. (Check out some board books too for your daughter.) Also, maybe you have friends who are going through this too or have been through it, so they may have good advice to offer.

Here's my advice: When you want to scold, instead sing your scoldings. Do opera or country-western or rap (this doesn't have to be an audition for American Idol, by the way). Throw in some body spins, hand clapping, and finger snapping. If she isn't intrigued, at least you will be happier! Maybe even have a special song for a particular behavior--just off the top of my head, "Eat your veggies or they'll be, So, so sad and not hap-py" (to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me").

Another technique is to whisper. That calms you down and makes her listen more carefully and even have fun, like your instructions are a big secret. Play fun whisper games with her during other times of the day--whisper in her ear and let her whisper in yours, etc.

Always say "I" statements--"Mommy would be so happy if you [specific thing]," and not "you" statements, which are blaming and shaming.

If you want her to pick up her toys, have a receptacle to put them in or shelves, and then help her (while you sing, "I've been working on the railroad" or some such work song). Which brings me to your library visits -- when you go there, check out some CDs of children's songs by Sesame Street or Raffi or Mr. Rogers or Capt. Kangaroo (or whoever is popular now--ask a librarian for help).

Changing the shouting and scolding into music and fun will work wonders in your disciplining!

I hate to say this, but yes, she's probably imitating you. The thing to keep in mind is that every time you interact with your child, you teach her something, good, bad, or indifferent. It's not too late to change this. You can modify her behavior by modifying your own. The fact that you recognize that you are using volume to counteract bad behavior is a good start. You're motivated to change and you know what needs changing. Generally kids become images of us that we really don't always like to see. That's a good thing if you use the reflection to improve yourself.

Start by sitting down with her at a time when you would normally yell, like right after she's run laps through the living room for the fifteenth time and the lamp she passes has hit the floor. She's only 2, so keep it simple and on her level. Explain that you're not going to yell at her for __________ (whatever it is she's doing that's making you crazy) because yelling is not a good option. Then calmly explain what the logical consequence of her behavior is going to be and follow through on that. For instance, if she's running around the house singing loudly and you'd like some quiet, tell her she can sing all she wants... in her room. Explain that her loud singing is hurting your ears and you need for her to go sing elsewhere. That's a logical consequence and a compromise position you can both live with. You can probably see that yelling at her would not make sense in this context, right? Nor would physical punishment (spanking, time-out) because she's not a hazard to herself or anyone or anything else, just annoying, so there's no logic to becoming physical.

You might have to do this over and over for a while until she gets it, and you'll have to be very, very consistent. Believe it or not, intermittent reinforcement--letting her get away with something now and then--actually cements the behavior better than regular reinforcement--never or always letting her do it. In the intermittent reinforcement situation, she will keep testing because, like the kid digging through a room full of poop, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

It helps tremendously if you can visualize what you'd like her behavior (and yours) to look like. How would you like your time together to go? Picture that, and always work towards it. You want calm and quiet? Then make calm and quiet activities a part of your day in a kind of preemptive strike. You want her to listen when you tell her to do (or not do something)? Play a game that involves her listening and reward her with praise for being a good listener. Make a regular schedule for these things and try to stick to it so you can happily announce "Story time!" or "Game Time!" or whatever you've cooked up. It will become such a routine that just the announcement will give her a mental pre-set that will cue a change in her behavior like the sound of a can opener brings the dog running. LOL

With kids you need to be proactive. Many times the conflicts arise because the adults in the situation are trying to cram too much into their day and the kids don't get the full attention they need to learn appropriate behavior. This is aggravated in preschool or day care where kids are learning their behavior patterns from other kids instead of from adults. You're not unique in this problem, but you can solve it with a little patience and planning. Be sure you're setting aside enough together time where you and your baby interact without interruptions, and have plenty of self-directed toys and activities for her for when you're not, keeping in mind a baby of that age has a fairly short attention span. Your goal is to create a viable, reasonable human being. That's a very important job worthy of whatever effort it takes.

Good luck!