I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. The first year or so was great, we had sex three to four times a week... But now, I'm lucky if I get it once a fortnight!

I'm 21 and my partner is 23. He's a lovely guy and is really affectionate with cuddles and kisses, and loves showing my off when we're in public, but as soon as we get into bed, it's a quick cuddle then he turns over and goes to sleep! I've always had a higher sex drive than him, but at least he used to keep up with me.

I don't know if this is the usual relationship problem of sex taking a back burner further into the relationship, but he knows how much it fustrates me, as I have spoken to him about it countless times!I also don't think it's stress with his job, as yes he works long hours but he loves his job and I never hear him complaining about it.

We're both healthy, and I trust him completely so I know he doesn't have someone else... I just don't know what else I can do to keep us BOTH satisfied! I have tried lots of lingerie and sexy outfits, different positions, surprise oral sex... You name it I've done it!

I just don't know what else I can do =( whenever I try to talk to him and ask him if it's me, he says nothing's wrong and he finds me very attractive, he just doesn't feel like sex.

Is anyone else in this black hole of sexual fustration? Please help!

hi everyone, been on here a while and finally getting round to venting my frustrations! Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years now, and yes this is an awkward sex question! Obviously the first year and a half was amazing for us, I'm 21 and he is 23 so not a health problem. In November he started a new job that requires a lot of energy, and although he says this is not the problem, I think it may be a part of it...

Anyway, about a month ago, we were getting down to it, when he suddenly stopped and said he was too hot, so I took some initiative and got on top, then he lost his erection, so then I tried oral, all to no avail =( since then when I have tried to initiate any intimacy, he's suddenly not interested! I sat him down and told him that sex is important to me in our relationship because I need to feel close to him and I now miss that bond between us that has suddenly vanished

He told me just to give him time (which has been hard, I have always had a higher sex drive than him) so we have gone from having sex from 2-3 times a week to absolutely nothing! Don't get me wrong, he still showers me with compliments and tells me he loves me every day, and we always have a cuddle watching TV, but we don't live together yet, so it's hard to find the time together, let alone anything else!

Last week I got quite a shock, with me thinking he had just lost his sex drive completely, I found numerous porn sites (which don't bother me, I just wish he would take care of me first!) on his moblie history, and they were there literally EVERY DAY!! I of course asked him about it, he said he still gets horny but just doesn't want to be ashamed of losing his erection again or just not ejaculating. I said it doesn't matter to me and the longer he puts it off, the worse it'll be!

Since then I have tried numerous things, lingerie, making a REALLY big effort with appearance, surprising him out of the blue... nothing seems to work! He insists it's not me, which as you could imagine I am starting to doubt.


Any information or feedback on this? Need answers!

Your never to young to have a health issue, he may have ed triggered from stress; it is a lot of pressure trying to please a lady and if he is self conscious that could be the problem. He might have a new interest in something sexually if he is looking at porn, maybe try to figure out what it is. If he is interested in something new he could be ashamed of it. Let him know your there for him and that he can tell you. Don't pressure him, but do try to bring it up- it can be very embarressing to bring up something like that out of the blue. Good luck

Thanks for your reply, yeah I noticed there was a lot of anal type stuff on there, and I said 'is that something you'd want to do?' and he just made a face?! Also a lot of blonde (which I'm not), asian (ditto) and big boobed ladies (again, not) that he was searching for. So not sure how to please him through any of that if I'm honest. I don't know about the self confidence thing, I always tell him how good he looks (especially when he is naked!) nothing has changed in the last two years on that front. I think what annoys me most is that he will be quite sexual out of bed, with groping me, dry humping when I am bent over doing something, so I don't understand where the lack of enthusiasm comes from!

His face may have just been him trying to cover up what he wants. Of course there nothing you could, or at least should do, about your physical difference from the porn ladies. If you are interested in trying anal then maybe next time try to start that- him dry humping while your bent over very well could be a hint even if its sub-concious. Maybe try doing it somewhere other than the bedroom. If he actually doesn't want to try then its not like he has to- but he should feel happy knowing your trying.

The thing is we have done anal before, which we both enjoyed, so I don't know why all of a sudden he has gone off the idea, at least with me, he knows probably more than anyone how open minded I am about sex etc. it's bugging me how downhill it's gotten so quickly! Whenever I try and mention sex, he goes mad and says stuff like 'find someone else to have sex with then!'... I mean, what? I'm not a sexual being in general, just with him, so who knows where this has all come from! He doesn't seem to understand it's his love that I want, not anyone else's. He has even said himself that he keeps his erection and ejaculates when he is masturbating. I don't want this to go on much longer, I am having a hard time not resenting him for it, a girl has needs too!

It sounds like your getting fed up with him. You can only try your best, explain your feelings to him, and if it comes to it; then chose what is best for you. Then maybe answer my question if you have time ;) I hope I was of some help

I have always explained how I feel for him, he is my soulmate, and I know that sex isn't everything, but it counts for something, right? I sometimes feel that every time I speak to him, I am pushing him further away, but what ami supposed to do, if he is not taking my feelings seriously?

does anyone think this is just all in my head and that I should give him time? Or is there something more to it? I have tried backing off and not mentioning it, in a hope to try and get his confidence back, and I have tried being frank and just telling him that I need him! He is a stubborn person, but I keep getting all these mixed feelings, he stares at me when I am naked, obviously enjoying it, and with the groping and dry humping! But when it comes down to it, all he wants to do is just cuddle in bed, which is nice, but I need more than that to be able to feel attractive and wanted.

I need serious help to overcome this, I suggested to him that maybe we should just do the whole foreplay thing without the pressure of having intercourse, and I keep asking him if there's anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable, but I get nothing! It's like he shuts down, and there's nothing I can do about it =(

If the porn bothers you - and it obviously does and possibly should - ASK him about it. I'd also ASK him why the difference in your sex life.

You're sharing a bed. This should be one of various problems in a relationship that need to be discussed.

It's not the porn itself, it's more the fact that he is watching that and not coming anywhere near me =/ I have asked him about it and he said it's a boredom thing and not to worry, which I don't really, but if he can maintain an erection and ejaculate to porn, why not with me? I never wanted it to be an issue, but I can't force him to stop watching it, and I don't want to, but I think he needs to start showing me the same interest. I have told him this, he says he will try, but nothing happens!

This is what I am reading: He got hot and instead of letting him cool down and trying later you pressed for more that he wasn't able to give so he 'failed'. Since then, he has told you he is afraid of losing his erection again and not climaxing and you are putting pressure on him to perform because you don't seem to feel connected to him unless sex is involved.

Three weeks is not very long and if you keep asking and making suggestions then you are not backing off. Trying to arouse him without saying anything is not backing off. Give him space and time to get over his 'failure' to perform. Until you do and he does, the problems are going to exist and get worse.

Take this time to work on non-sexual ways of giving and receiving affection and intimacy. If the most important way you feel close to him is through sex, then you probably would not be able to survive a major illness or separation.

Don't worry about the porn. With porn he doesn't have to worry about satisfying anyone else. He doesn't have to be fully hard to ejaculate. He doesn't have to maintain an erection long enough to have intercourse. He probably isn't masturbating every time he watches porn.

What he looks at may not be what he wants in real life. When he is more comfortable and ready, talk to him about fantasies, likes and dislikes to get an idea of what he wants. Do not rely on the history on his phone.

Don't make this all about your 'needs'. Listen to him and pay attention to what he is telling you his needs are. He seems to be very clear that he needs time. Give him some. It may take a couple of weeks. It will take longer if you keep pressuring him.

Umm well it seems like you have tried everything but have you askd a doctor about pills?
If he can't hold an erection with you then maybe things something that's blocking him physically
Its probably not you and even though your trying to help things by sugguesting and doing stunts its probably hurting him emotionally which is affect him physically.
Like he sees you trying so hard and so in private he tries to get an erection and it doesn't happen it would make him all the more frustated and harder to get on bored.
Just give him time (even though its hard) and see what happens

Thanks for all your feedback! I know it's about giving him time, and by talking to him I thought I'd be letting him know I'm fine with it and there's no pressure. I also thought that if I don't speak to him about it, he wouldn't make an effort and the more time that we left it, the more he would be put off, with the pressure of 'getting back on the horse' so to speak ;) but like I said before, it's nothing to do with the porn in that respect, it was more of the fact that nothing seemed to work, even when I started telling him about fantasies, different positions I know he likes, etc.

I know that 3 weeks isn't a long time for a lot of people, but to have a steady stream of intimacy for two and a half years, and then to be cut back to nothing sexual at all... that seems a bit hard, at least for me!

I don't think I would let him know you're fine with it. I would either talk to him frankly or not at all.

Something has changed and I'd want to know what that "soemthing" is, perhaps a problem he's not sharing, without badgering him.

Many times major erectile problems start with a very minor event. Someone gets hot or distracted and can't continue. Instead of accepting it as a one time 'oops', the person and their partner start trying to 'fix' everything except the initial problem which leads to pressure, fear and frustration. All three are libido limiters by themselves. Put them together and they can become a libido killer.

Put the first event in perspective. He got over-heated. His body started shutting down the libido and starting up the cooling system. It wasn't a problem until pressure was added. Now you know where the mistake was made and that you can take measures to keep it from happening again (at least with that cause, there will be others down the road.) It's nothing major. Take a break and cool down next time or start playing with ice cubes.

Now, give him time to accept that his body was reacting to an odd occurrence and that it isn't the end of the world or the relationship. Let him initiate sexual contact when he is less stressed about the prior event.

In your initial post I believe you touched on the probable reason for the grinding halt in your sex life.

Quote:

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In November he started a new job that requires a lot of energy, and although he says this is not the problem, I think it may be a part of it...

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He is probably exhausted from work. As well as the stress of a new job would lead to a severe lack of desire. Give him some time for this to level out. You badgering him like this will just makes things worse. On top of his new job your making him nervous about not being able to please you in bed.

He needs some time to get things sorted with the new job. You might want to suggest a doctor's appointment but give that some time too. He will probably come around.

erm OK... everyone seems to think I am badgering him or annoying him about it! We have only spoken once about the whole thing, this was three weeks ago when he had been distant for over a week and we sat down and talked, he told me about what was bothering him so I came out with the suggestions.

Since then I have tried the whole lingerie thing, but didn't say anything when he turned me down, nor have I mentioned to him about the internet history I found the other day. I came on here and asked for advise because I tried everything three weeks ago in that conversation, given him space, then asked him if everything was still OK about 5 days ago, and now he's saying he is fine and not talking about it at all??

What I suppose I'm really asking is what do I do from here, without nagging or pushing him too far?

Sorry for the confusion!

And I meant that I asked him about the browsing history, that was what he told me ages ago when we first got together, and I wrote that assuming that is still the case this time =)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by laurenh1990

What i suppose i'm really asking is what do i do from here, without nagging or pushing him too far?

Sorry for the confusion!

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Given this information I would ask him what is going on. Something is different and he should let you know what that is.

It looks like there is a break down in communication in both directions. I think there is something he wants to say, you just need to draw it out of him. This isn't a casual conversation, it is a serious one. A little more

how do I get it out of him without being defensive? I just want answers more than anything, that and not to be in a sexless relationship!=/. I want to help him through this, but I feel that if I try talking to him again, he'll just shut down. Maybe if I act uninterested in sex myself it might make him want it again? Bit of the old reverse psychology? Lol =)

Too hot? Like health thing? Dehydrated? Does he drink or take recreation drugs? Could be a fix there but speaking personally, one failure does have an effect on next try. Are you both exercises? You could ask at a supplement store what they would recommend , sometimes an animo acid complex works. And then suggest a trip to the store with him, loaded with the knowledge you've already mined. Lots of fluids .