Ask Me Help Desk - Being visited

My father passed away on August 27th, 2006 of cancer. From the moment he was diagnosed to the moment he passed there was only 25 days. This was extremely hard on my family but especially on my mother. They had been married for 35 years. Because of the sudden course of events, my mother has been having a really hard time accepting this and as much as I want to help her... I know she needs to mourn and accept it. She has recently told me that at night she feels a cold breeze and feels my dad's hands on her and actually sees him. I want to believe that it is him coming to comfort her... has any one experienced something similar?

I personally have not experienced this but I have a friend who was extremely close to her grandfather and he passed suddenly as well. What makes her story really interesting is she says that after his death (when she was 7 years old btw) she would see him and point him out but then he would disappear when her mother came into the room. Naturally her mother wrote this off as her imagination. What makes this more interesting is that when she was 13 her 3 year old cousin died suddenly. That was a Friday. That night she had a dream that her cousin was with her grandpa. The next morning is when her mother got the call that he had died the day before. She knew nothing about his death when she had that dream. She eventually told her mom that but never told her ant and uncle (parents to the deceased cousin)because she wasn't sure how they would react. Later when she was 17 she said her Grandpa appeared again.

I have no reason to believe she'd make this up, and I'm not saying it's a guarantee but I don't think your mother is alone in her belief.

angeldolphin, I can understand your concern. There are many stories I have heard from people that are similar to your mother's. There was a cable/satellite channel, PAX TV that used to air programs called It's a Miracle, that dealt with this issue. I don't know if it is still on TV but you might want to check for it. There have also been numerous books written on the subject, so you might want to check your local library or bookstore to see what you can find.

I guess the bigger question here is, do these visitations that she talks about give her some comfort? If it does, and helps keep her going, then the kindest thing you can do for her is to just sit and listen to her, be there as a support as you already have been. Don't question this and don't let her know that you think this might not be real. Whether it is happening or not, it is very real to her and she is looking for some sort of confirmation from you, other family members, and friends. It is part of her healing process and everyone needs to be patient with her. This will probably go on for a long time.

If it is not helping her and is causing her a great deal of agitation and distress to the point that her physical or mental health is breaking down further, please let us know. We might have some suggestions on how you can help her.

Angel, my heartfelt condolences. All I can say is that after my mum died (we knew it was coming but happened within 1 week, a lot less than we thought), I often thought I could hear her round the house. I could smell her perfume still & hear her laugh. At the time it gave me great comfort as had nursed her through her final cancer times. It was nice to think she was in a better place and having fun again. As time passed, these feelings of her presence lessened. Now I am conscious of her at specific times. The human brain is a wonderful tool to help you cope with things that you have no experience of.
Ruby has the right idea I think, as long as it brings her comfort and is helping her, its no bad thing. She will move on when it's time for her to move on. Greiving is a unique & personal thing for each of us. It may take a while but all you can do is give her that time, show her love, show her grief (she will need to know that others are feeling sad too), let her talk when she wants to, let be silent when she wants to: when she cries, let her cry. Just be there and love her.
I hope this helps.
Moomin

Quote:

Originally Posted by angeldolphin

My father passed away on August 27th, 2006 of cancer. From the moment he was diagnosed to the moment he passed there was only 25 days. This was extremely hard on my family but especially on my mother. They had been married for 35 years. Because of the sudden course of events, my mother has been having a really hard time accepting this and as much as i want to help her...i know she needs to mourn and accept it. She has recently told me that at night she feels a cold breeze and feels my dad's hands on her and actually sees him. I want to believe that it is him coming to comfort her...has any one experienced something similar?

Yes, I have. My father died of cancer beginning July 2004. He was diagnosed with cancer in May 2004. Doctors told us he had 6 months to live, but passed away 6 weeks later. As you said, this alos came as a major shock to all the family, we were all devastated, and my mum was heart broken. My parents were happily married for 30 years too. Mum was only 54 when he passed away and dad was only 57.

Time does heal, and please don't get mad when I say this, because I know I used too. Your mum will come to terms and realise that life does go on. All you can do is be there for her in every way possible. Show her how strong you are and she will follow route.

Mum used to and still has dreams of dad, and she used to feel his presence when she used to go to bed. That's not a bad thing at all.