Ask Me Help Desk - Is my marriage normal?

I am a 33 year old male and have been married for 9 years. Our sex life has come to the point where we do it once in two weeks if not once a month. When my wife sees that I get depressed over it, we do it once a week, but soon after we are back to the old routine which makes me believe that she only does it for "damage control". I have tried encouraging her to take libido enhancers, which did not work and there is some reason every time. I start to think that she does not want me in that way anymore and that we are nothing more that friends that have a child together.I don't think she is completely honest about it, and it obviously have something to do about me. I want to know how many of you think that I overreact and that I should get used to the idea that sex will eventually phase out completely. The current trend has been going on for about 3-4 years.

For many, yes normal.

The issue is there is no one Normal, for some it is every day, others every few months. Normal has to be what you and your wife can agree and work on.

Other than the libido enhancers, what have you tried? What are the other areas of your marriage like? Do you spend time together doing activities that you both enjoy? Do you both help out with housework and yard work? Do you both participate in taking care of your child together?

For many women, feeling an emotional connection helps tremendously with the libido.

As Fr_Chuck said, "normal" will vary from couple to couple, and it will change from time to time throughout a relationship for various reasons.

Do either of you have any health concerns? Could she be feeling overwhelmed with what she does?

What has she said when you've talked about it outside of the bedroom? Has she voiced any desire for more connection between the two of you... and not just a sexual connection?

It sounds as though you may be following the same pattern over and over. You would like more frequent sex, it doesn't happen as often as you would like and you feel she may not desire you as she used to, you get down, she wants to make you feel better by having sex, and then you fall back into the same routine. Maybe it is time to break the routine?

When did you last go out together? Go away together? Do something romantic and spontaneous?

I feel your pain. I asked a similar question on this site, vented a little and some woman tore my head off. I am extremely frustrated myself on this issue and don't understand why it is happening either.

How old is your child?

Did a doctor prescribe the 'libido enhancers' or were you having her self-medicate? When was the last time she saw a doctor?

If you don't know what is causing an issue you can't fix it.

Doula and Chuck gave you some great advice. I am going to add a few other factors to consider:

How old is she?

Does she have a healthy perception of her own body and sexuality? If she is feeling insecure for any reason about her own sexuality then it will affect how she feels about sex and intimacy.

Is she exhausted and/or stressed? Other than you and your child, is she worried about work, finances, family, friends, the house, etc.

Do you talk with her about what you both need or do you try to make her want what you want? Think about this: Her giving in and having sex to make you feel better may be causing more issues for her. She isn't wanting it, but gives you what you want. However, it isn't enough and it isn't giving her what she needs. So it makes her feel worse which makes her shut down more. It's a cycle that has to stop.

Do you show her affection when you aren't trying to get sex? Do you distance yourself from her physically and emotionally?

What form of birth control are you using? Some types can cause a decrease in the libido as can other types of medications? If she is taking any type of medication, look into the side-affects of it.

A fear of getting pregnant again can also be a major libido limiter.

Pressure to have sex is another major limiter. It is one that usually develops out of another issue and builds up on itself until the person shuts down completely.

Talk with your wife. No lectures about needs and not getting enough. No putting anyone on the defensive. Listen to each other. Communicate about everything. Don't limit the discussion to sex. Issues in the bedroom very often are part of larger issues outside of it. Work together instead of tearing each other apart. Try to understand each other's needs and how to balance them. Try to remember why you are a couple.

I absolutely agree with all that has gone before. I very often find that how the partners treat each other OUTSIDE the bedroom is reflected inside the bedroom.

It's the little things, helping around the house (the way into MY bed is to empty the dishwasher - and my husband will verify that), that touch on the hand or arm, the spontaneous hug. I don't sex starts and ends in the bedroom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tony2u99

I feel your pain. I asked a similar question on this site, vented a little and some woman tore my head off. I am extremely frustrated myself on this issue and dont understand why it is happening either.

I read your thread - no one "tore your head off." You asked for advice on a public board and that's exactly what you got. Not agreeing with you does not equal "tearing your head off." In fact, I think you've just insulted someone who didn't deserve it.

Read your thread again - you sound very insensitive. Maybe that's not how you meant to sound. Maybe you don't sound like that in real life - but you sure do when it's in writing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tony2u99

I feel your pain. I asked a similar question on this site, vented a little and some woman tore my head off. I am extremely frustrated myself on this issue and dont understand why it is happening either.

Tony, she also gave you excellent advice before your 'vent'. I am going to talk about your 'vent' here because it is a common thought and probably touches on some of YOL's same issues.

You essentially compared having sex with 'taking out the trash'. Saying that she should have sex with you even if she doesn't feel like it. She should treat it as a 'chore'.

What that tells a woman is that she is in essence an adult toy. Her mind and emotions are worth less to you than her body and what it can do for you. I know that probably isn't how either of you gentlemen really think about sex. But if that attitude is leaking into how you communicate with your spouses, then you may be adding to the issues without meaning to.

Understanding begins with communication and being open to hearing thoughts other than your own.

The sexiest thing my husband does is turn on my coffeepot so that I have hot coffee when I get up in the morning, and again when I get home at night. I have never asked him to do this--he does it because it's a small thing that lifts my day up a little. I should add here that my husband doesn't drink coffee. There is nothing at all he gets out of doing that one small thing for me twice every day--except a happier me.

Men often fail to realize that they have to get into a woman's HEAD before they can get into her PANTS. You need to start turning her on with your actions and words for at LEAST 24 hours before you try to put your hand on any of her naughty bits.

You know what women find to be a turn on? Chores done without nagging--or even having to ask. Taking over her part of the household duties for an evening so she can relax in the tub with a romance novel--or take a nap! A romantic dinner out where you have taken care of ALL of the details--reservations, budgeting for it, babysitters, EVERYTHING--so that all she has to do is enjoy it. And it doesn't have to be lobster! A picnic is just as effective! It's showing that you're thinking of HER, and thinking of her as a WOMAN and not a mother or sex object or dishwasher or whatever. Make her feel sexy to HERSELF and she'll feel sexy for YOU.

So... when's the last time you went on a date? When's the last time you touched her, cuddled her, kissed her or hugged her without expecting sex? When's the last time you gave her oral sex without wanting ANYTHING in return--just getting HER off without worrying about yourself?

Make sex about HER again instead of about YOUR needs, and you might get a more favorable response.