My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We met in college but for the last year we've been living about 200 miles apart which has definitely been a strain. 3 weeks ago my father passed away and it was very hard on me, I was always "daddy's little girl". My boyfriend was there for me the entire time and made the funeral much more bearable but 1 week ago, just 2.5 weeks after my dad's death, my boyfriend and I got in a relatively minor argument about Valentine's day. He hadn't made any plans and I got upset. I'll admit that I've been on edge lately and probably did make too big a deal of it but he forgot our anniversary in Nov. and has yet to buy me a birthday present 1.5 months after it has passed. Now it's valentines day and he still refuses to talk to me. I left him alone for 3 days to give him space before I tried to call. No matter how much I apologize or leave messages he just won't give me more than a few text messages saying he'll call me soon but then never does. I'm worried that he might be cheating on me, he did over the summer and I found out. I'm not sure what to do next. The thought of losing someone else that I love so much is unbearable right now. This is something he does regularly. He doesn't want to deal with problems. I've even offered to drive there to see him and he refuses to see me. What's going on and what should I do now?

I am so sorry for your loss, Cowgirl. You are right in that you aren't going to be yourself for a while which is why its important to surround yourself with people who really care. However I am a little uncomfortable with the notion that grief lets you off the hook for being responsible for your behavior though and I hope that isn't what I saw implied in your post. Just putting that out there to consider.

It sounds to me like you two let too many problems pile up, probably out of your youthful inexperience. When stressful circumstances adds in a big push as they are inclined to do, it sets off an avalanche. Now you are both in overwhelm mode.

This may not be repairable as a result and although this is the worst possible time to have to consider that, it is sometimes how it goes for us. I would suggest that you leave him totally alone until he contacts you but the very first topic I would want to determine with him would be "is this over or repairable". You yourself see a lot of indications he isn't intersted anymore so it's a timely question. Also, inadvertently or deliberately making it hard for him to leave you just now may be a part of this and that will only get you a much messier breakup in the long run -- you can't keep him strictly out of guilt or your need.

If its repairable, now would be the time to get busy. And if not, you may need extra help dealing with the added loss. Please don't hesitate to seek that if that should occur, okay? A minister, a counselor, an older friend - someone in person who can help.

My then boyfriend handled the loss of my mom very badly. He did not have a good relationship with his mother and came from that viewpoint only, ugh. I was young enough at the time (mid twenties) that there were two kinds of responses from the friends I had who were of all ages. The really dumb, not helpful responses from those who had not been there yet and the on-target and very helpful ones of those who had. You might want to bear this in mind when you talk to him next time.

It sounds like your relationship has actually been over for some time. Neither of you have really accepted it or just told the other. I think he was helping you right after your father passed to "do the right thing" as opposed to necessarily help you. By his actions of ignoring you and not buying you gifts I can tell you from my own personal experience that's a way of saying I don't want to be in this anymore. If someone's parent died while I was backing myself out of a relationship, I would dive back in to help them out just like he did. I get the impression he doesn't hate you or even dislike you, in fact he probably likes you very much but he just doesn't see you a girlfriend.

Hello dear,I'm terribley sorry to hear about this.
And I know exactly how you feel,but don't let this bother you.
I'm sure you can find someone else that treats you a lot better!
I know you must love him a lot to accept the fact he cheated on you, avoided you many times, etc. but you MUST confront him. Whether you have to show up at his house, do whatever you have to. Talk to him about exactly how you feel, if you two have been together for this long, he must love you. And I bet hell understand. Stay strong, I know things are tough. Hang in there, things will get better.

My roommate handles stress and conflict the same way. Total silent treatment. Won't answer phone, won't text and uses forceful rage if I personally "try to confront" the situation. I say they are "passive-aggressive" and that this behavior hits a bunch or abandonment issues for you. I see this is now three year old post, hopefully you have moved on and are in a mutually giving and nurturing relationship.