For my granddaughter's first birthday, my son and DIL (who's 25) said they were coming to my house which is 3 hours from his house. I went to a lot of time, work and money to put on a nice BD party for her. I ordered and bought a cake and even while I was buying the paper plates and party supplies, I wondered why I was the one putting the party on. My parents never put on a BD party for my kids.

I met my son, DIL and her 3 yr. old (whom I have treated like my own granddaughter) in a city an hour from my house to pick up the kids so they could shop by themselves, and then they came to my house. The party was to be the next day.

After they arrived, my son mentioned the baby needed a haircut because her bangs were getting in her eyes. I said "Do you want me to cut her hair?" I have had no formal hair training, but have always cut my kids' hair and even their friends' hair. My DIL barked out "NO! I'll have her step great-grandma (her mom's ex-husband's mother) do it. She's the only person who cut my other daughter's hair." I said I could do it and I'd be happy to. My DIL said "No, she's a hairdresser".

It was really her attitude that was so mean. She has never acknowledged any gifts I have given her children. No "thank you", no "that's cute" or anything either.

To make a long story short---I tried to talk to her about it the next day. I said I respected her authority to have whomever she wanted to cut the baby's hair, but I told her I didn't think it was necessary to be so mean about it. She immediately said "I told you NO and you kept asking". I said I wasn't aware that I wasn't allowed to discuss anything and again told her anything she had to tell me could have been done in a nicer tone and I didn't deserve to be talked to like that. I told her I enjoyed helping with the party, but didn't expect to be treated badly while doing it.

She ran out of the room and announced to my son they were leaving. She proceeded to bang her suitcase, playpen and other things they brought with them on our walls and furniture and dragged a huge suitcase across my hardwood floor, scratching it. She went out the garage door which locks automatically behind you if you don't turn the knob, and when she tried to get back in the locked door, she started rattling the door and kicking it yelling "they locked me out!"

My son let her in and said nobody locked you out. He told her to stop banging things around. Next she came into the kitchen and flung her daughter's bowl of cereal across the kitchen, leaving milk and cereal scattered across my kitchen. If we hadn't been so busy cleaning up cereal and had time to think, we should have taken her outside and say to her to stay out and we'd bring her stuff to her.

Personally, I don't think there will be a repair to this situation. It seemed like a very strong reaction to a small conversation I had with her. Please give me your advice. Thank you!

Did she over-react, yes. Was it in reaction to feeling attacked by you, yes. If the haircut wasn't a big deal, you should have let it go. She said no, and your insistence showed her that regardless of what you were saying, it was an issue. Your choosing to bring it up again the next day says that it was a bigger deal than you are saying here. I believe that she thought that your issue wasn't about not being able to cut your granddaughter's hair, and from your description, it sounds like you used this haircut as a doorway to confront her. You have said that there are other issues, and she knows it too. She also knows that this wasn't just about a haircut. If it was, I don't think you would have even bothered to ask twice. It sounds very passive aggressive that you waited a day to talk to her about the tone in which she said no.

I actually think you need to apologize here. You started this situation, and if you want to remedy it, you need to take the first step. Apologize, and let her know that you have felt some tension in the relationship, and you overreacted to what was a simple situation. Ask how you both can work on it for your husband/son. Let her know that you love her and are prepared to make a fresh start. If she is willing great. Please let us know how this works out for you, and good luck.

There is more to this story than meets the eye I am betting. Enough about that. Just saying that there is usually an underlying reason for irrational behavior.

Anyhow, once you offered your services and they were declined, you should have dropped the issue. Some folks don't want help from anyone while some don't want help from "certain" others, and we all know that some feel intimidated by in-laws to boot.

I'm not convinced that an apology to this person would be of any benefit. It might start her on another rampage as it is unclear to me why she reacted that strongly the first time.

I suggest that you talk to your son and let him know that the incident is closed, that you harbor no grudge, and that all of them are welcome in your home as always.

I would make one change based on her previous reaction and that is- don't offer her any assistance with anything--unless it is some kind of emergency type matter. Not in a vindictive manner but just to avoid the one area you now know that can cause a serious problem. But I really feel that you have just seen the tip of the iceberg. Most of us have probably been ticked off by our inlaws at some time or another--but very few of us I think have reacted in the manner that she did.

I think you will come back here one day and tell us the rest of the story (when you fully realize what it is).

I appreciate your time and consideration in answering my question. I am having trouble believing I should apologize to someone who throws cereal and milk all over my kitchen just because I am talking to them about my feelings with the intention of making our relationship better (for me anyway--she is apparently just fine with treating me however she feels like with no concern for my feelings.) Members of families should be able to discuss things without a tantrum being thrown. Even the haircut itself. I should be able to talk about that in a polite manner and that is what I believe is called a "conversation". There's no reason to speak in a rude and condescending manner to anyone. I believe she threw the fit to prevent me from ever opening my mouth and having the "audacity" to think she would care about how I felt. It has been over a week now. My son told me he told her she was in the wrong and was not happy with her. He also said he told her it was up to her to figure out how to make it better. I haven't heard a word from her. On her Facebook page she posts things that I believe are meant to stab a little deeper. Talking about how the girls are having so much fun at Grandma ______'s house. (her mom). My son told me he would bring my granddaughter to my house for a couple days soon to show he's sorry for her actions. Anyway, I do thank you ladies and I know some of this was sarcastic.

Some of it was presumptive too.
We ain't all ladies. Or maybe you thanked everyone but me.
Maybe you hammered her too hard about the "do it yourself" haircut.
I am a do it yourselfer too and I have been guilty of getting a little too pushy with others on occasion trying to help folks who don't want help-which is their right. I have been rebuffed on a few occasions and have adjusted my offers to assist accordingly.