Ask Me Help Desk - R'ship worries.

r'ship worries.

Please help...

My brief story... im 18, never been in a relationship before, still a virgin, got no experience in sex, or anything sexual. I have been getting to know a lad for 6 months, I have turned him down several times as I have been too scared, but know I'm full of questions, please help

1. is it normal to be worried about even dating someone, let alone sex and lack of experience?
2. should you date someone if you have worries? (shouln't you just know for sure?)
3. I have little self confidence and I'm worried if he saw me naked he would run a mile
4. I'm worried to have sex with someone who has experience in case I make a fool of myself, would a lad help out if I isn't got a clue what to do? Or would he just laugh and ditch me
5. I'm worried that I'm that keen on him, that I might get hurt, as although I feel I know him well what happens if its all just about sex for a few weeks and then he ditches me? Is that a normal thought to be running through my head for someone I really like?
6. me and this guy are the complete opposite yet get on really well, what's that all about?

Sorry for the questions, but its what this site is for and you can clearly see my worries and fears
I know I should perhaps be discussing these with this lad, but I'm worried that I might put him off.
I'm scared to lose him, as I like him so much, but I feel like I can't trust anyone and I'm scared that it might all go wrong and I could end up hurt

PLEASE HELP ME OUT! Thank you so much!

A relationship shouldn't be all about sex. Yes, sex is PART of a relationship, but that isn't everything. But if you really like him, I think you should give it a go. You'll never know what may or may not happen, if you don't even try dating this guy. Just go slow, and have fun. And stop worrying about sex, I think it's somewhat innate.

And don't have sex with him unless you want to too!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

please help...

my brief story....im 18, never been in a relationship before, still a virgin, got no experience in sex, or anything sexual. i have been gettin to know a lad for 6 months, i have turned him down several times as i have been too scared, but know im jus full of questions, please help

Hey BG, I’d like to point something out here that I’m sure you’ve overlooked. You’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and turned him down every time he’s pushed for sex. But he’s still there. He likes you. He’s not after for just sex. I’m not suggesting you run out and have sex with him but I am pointing out that he’s one of the good guys. And you should congratulate yourself for being with a good guy. So many women wind up with jerks and then make excuses for them but he’s genuine or at least has a genuine interest in you.

All that being said your not comfortable yet so don’t push yourself yet. I’d suggest to continue dating this guy and just enjoy the time you spend together. Sex is not the relationship. Sex is 1/10 the relationship and if you have a good foundation than it makes the sex mean something and isn’t uncomfortable from an emotional perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

1. is it normal to be worried about even dating someone, let alone sex and lack of experience?

Yes that’s normal. You should always save some of yourself for you. Never give him everything. You should always know that you are dependent on you and not on him. While your time together is nice it could end today or it could end in 50 years so just enjoy the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

2. should you date someone if you have worries? (shouln't you just know for sure?)

Yes and no. If your dating someone that openly talks about someone else or has cheated on other people than yes you should worry and leave. But if he shows no sign of that, then keep those worries in the back of your mind. If he shows that behavior at some point then use them to your advantage then.

It sounds like your confusing worries with nervousness. You should always have worries, albeit in check, but nervousness can be overcome with time and experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

3. i have little self confidence and im worried if he saw me naked he would run a mile

He’s probably already thought about what you look like and he obviously knows what your body shape is. If you have scars or something like that then you can mention it before hand but here’s a dirty secret I can share with you about guys. We like to see women nude. It doesn’t really matter beyond that. You know me personally, I can’t stand the sight of the 75 lb. women that Hollywood is throwing at us. They look like walking skeltons to me and I’d rather be with a woman who’s overweight than to be with a boney type girl. But that’s me. There are others that feel differently. But I wouldn’t spend six months with someone like the Olsen Twins because of the way they look. So I guess what I’m saying is that he’s attracted to you body style because otherwise he wouldn’t have put in the 6 months.

In the end though guys usually like to see women naked and how they look has very little to do with that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

4. im worried to have sex with someone who has experience incase i make a fool of myself, would a lad help out if i aint got a clue what to do? or would he just laugh and ditch me

If it were a one night stand he might ditch you. But then again he probably wouldn’t had plans to stay with you. Generally speaking you can’t make a fool of yourself and sex should be something that both people enjoy with each other. If he’s any kind of man he’s going to share with you what he likes and doesn’t like and you should be doing the same with him. Sex isn’t an ending point, it’s an addition to the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

5. im worried that im that keen on him, that i might get hurt, as although i feel i know him well what happens if its all just about sex for a few weeks and then he ditches me? is that a normal thought to be running through my head for someone i really like?

Yes it is. And if you think that then you should NOT be subjecting yourself to this. If he gives you that impression then you need to end it. If your not sure continue dating him and be honest and explain that your waiting for the right time and right person. If he doesn’t understand than he is not the right person and you won’t waste anymore time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

6. me and this guy are the complete opposite yet get on really well, whats that all about?

LOL. Opposites do attract. The longest girlfriend I ever had was the complete opposite of me. She would do and say some of the most off the wall things. She thought the same of me. I think that is the interest. You sort of wonder how someone could be that way yet you also like them so it makes it interesting. No day is ever the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

sorry for the questions, but its what this site is for and you can clearly see my worries and fears

No apologies necessary. That is what this site is for and I’m glad you put it all down clearly like this. It’s the best way to organize your thoughts and it’s a good way to get it all out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

i know i should perhaps be discussing these with this lad, but im worried that i might put him off.

I think that you should discuss this with him. If it puts him off then he’s not the right guy for you. But that being said if you can’t discuss this with him he’s also not the right guy for you. And he has invested six months with you so he at least deserves the respect of a conversation

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouncinggirl1988

im scared to lose him, as i like him so much, but i feel like i can't trust anyone and im scared that it might all go wrong and i could end up hurt

PLEASE HELP ME OUT! thank you so much!

I don’t want to scare you but the chances that he’s a lifetime partner are slim at your age. That being said you need to at least have these conversations so that as you get older they become easier. The reality is if your going to play the dating game you could get hurt. I can tell you I’ve been hurt several times but that can’t stop you from living life, if you know what I mean. You can’t stop the game before your start. If he’s not the right guy for you then you should let him go but if a guy comes along and you date for months or even years and it doesn’t work out that hurt goes away.

I remember after I got dumped for the first time after 3 years of dating a girl. I thought that pain would never go away. But it did. And years later I can tell you that I’m glad I not only experienced the pain but went through with the relationship. What I learned during and after has helped me in life. If your going to live life your going to have some ups and downs but you can’t say I’m going to avoid pain all together or you aren’t going to have a life at all.

What Chuff said and;

Please don't be afraid or insecure of your own body or looks. We all come in different shapes and sizes and it is what makes us who we are. Like Chuff said, if your guy didn't like what he saw then he probably wouldn't still be around. And that would be a good thing because it would make him a shallow ar*e hole!

Please don't feel any pressure to have sex until you are ready. It is your decision and your decision alone to make. Don't make it through fear or any other emotion your feeling at the time. When you are ready you will know.

And yes it will be a little scary but a loving and caring partner will appreciate this, and in fact will feel privileged that you have entrusted him enough to share something like making love for your first time with him.

A real man would never laugh and ditch you. No way! So it is important for you to establish that you have a real man on your hands here! And you do that by taking it slow, just as you have so far, and getting to know the person intimately. Spending time with them and really getting to know them and what makes them tick. If you still like what you see after you have gotten to know them well and think you are ready to take things further than I'm sure you will know and by that stage probably feel more comfortable to trust them

But only do things at your own pace. A good person who is deserving of you will respect that.

BUT it is very important that you communicate and be honest with them. You can't just go into your shell and hide your feelings. That will lead to your partner being confused and possibly feeling all these emotions you fear yourself.

The only way to overcome this dilema is by TALKING. Express your thoughts and fears. Explain to him what you have explained to us.

As they say COMMUNICATION IS KING!

Hope we have helped. Im sure there will be many others with a whole lot more great advice for you!