So I've been seeing this girl now for about 8-9 months. When we met she had just been getting out of a relationship with a some-what friend of mine (we were both in the same circle of friends). She was very flirtatious, very in-your-face about trying to talk to me... scared me away at first. Insisted she was looking for someone else, wanted to hang out with me, tried to convince me she was over her ex by kissing me. All red flags in my book so I stayed away.

Eventually, due to some alcohol I ended up hanging out with her, we hooked up. At first we were comfortable leaving it at that but ended up seeing each other more. Along the way she dabbled back with her ex, I made out with a few girls, but ultimately we decided we wanted to keep talking and seeing each other so that stopped. Gradually, despite me being hesitant toward her we became exclusive. There was a lot of insecurity about our relationship on both of our parts due to the way we started.

Ultimately after seeing each other for a long time, hooking up, dating we decided to be in an actual relationship. Problem is, the whole thing has felt like its been a challenge like were both scared ****less of each other and can't get close to one another despite wanting to. She gets angry when she's hurt and attacks and says mean things, regrets it later. I have a tendency to get hurt and just dump her only to end up working it out with her later on.

Recently we would fight about something in the past but then things would be great for a week. I have a tendency to think about things people say and focus on them, she says things sometimes in such a confident way that make her sound like such a *****. Today she mentioned how my ex girlfriends aren't attractive to her and I'll never have to worry about her being insecure of that. I mean, I'm a realistic person, my ex girlfriends were all pretty attractive, although I admit she's very attractive herself. These little things she says, and her sarcasm toward the relationship has driven me crazy over time.

I care about her and I know she cares about me and that is for certain. When we have good days they are great but I just feel like this girl can be so bi-polar, I have broken up with her many times and I know that is my fault, but at the same time, she's done and said things that have brought me to these positions of "I can't live with this" with no apology and just an "I expect you to deal with this" attitude. I'm not used to it, it's a very strange relationship and she has been in some very incomplete forms of them in the past.

Thing is, she has her life together, she puts her priorities first, she tends to not be shallow when it comes to her dating life. I just feel like I have heard so many contradictory statements out of her mouth over time its beginning to really mess with me.

My question is, can anyone help me make sense out of what is going on? Our relationship naturally doesn't seem to be good but we both fight for it and we both care about it. Am I not seeing something?

It's a fact most good relationships evolve around how well a partner can cope with the not so good things we learn about our partners. Its really easy to be in love on the good days, but the challenge is how you get through the really bad days. So unless you have a strategy that works for you, and gets you through the challenging times, it builds up until its no longer about love, but resentments, and attitudes.

Good relationships have an understanding through honest communications that set the rules and boundaries of good behavior that they both agree on, and you both have to be willing to abide by those rules. If you accept her forwardness, then you have to step back, and not be overwhelmed by it. You seem to be aware of this emerging pattern, so pay attention, a lot more than you take her words and actions so personally.

If her words and actions scare you now,or cause you distress, it only gets worse because you are still in the early stages of understanding, and learning about each other.

If you want this to continue, you best learn how to keep yourself under control, since you obviously have no control over the way she is. You sure won't get very much further if you impulsively break up, to make up, because you both will tire of that dance. Don't give in to impulse or fear, but be honest when you have had enough.

For sure you can't make someone a great partner, unless the are willing to work with you. That has yet to be seen. But you have gotten this far. Its about hard work, and adjustments by you both.

Now, does the bad outweigh the good? Can you deal with the bad? This is where the honesty starts.

This was really helpful advice. Its funny the way I feel giving advice is always easier than taking it, I really struggle with applying things to my own life. We are still together. We've both been working hard and are still together, but I wonder if there are certain things people just can't get over in another. Things that have been done. Its hard to acknowledge that a person today isn't the same person they may have been yesterday. Its hard to ignore the past and realize it isn't today. Is it wrong to break up with someone due to an inability to cope? I feel that a better fit could always be found if the struggle exists to the point where you think about it often or feel the need to mention it on askmehelpdesk... haha.. Is my thinking flawed?

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Is it wrong to break up with someone due to an inability to cope? I feel that a better fit could always be found if the struggle exists to the point where you think about it often or feel the need to mention it on askmehelpdesk... haha.. Is my thinking flawed?

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No not really, its just that some people have already gone through many experiments, and experiences. And have emerged with understanding and knowledge. When you start asking questions you are seeking answers and direction, and sometimes solutions require work.

And that requires willingness to work, and the proper motivation. 6 months of a new relationship to a year or two is often the time we have to answer basic questions about what we have learned, and decide if its worth it to keep going, invest more, or cut our losses and seek better options.

That's where you appear to be now.