Hi there I just need some advice about my 12 year old son. In the last 6/8 months he has changed so much, he went to visit his dad in the summer holidays and came back smoking :mad: I found this out as he almost burnt my house down hiding his light fag in the base of his bed :eek:. I thought after the telling off I gave him and how long he was grounded for he would have learnt.
Most recently money has been going missing from the house, I,e of worktops my handbag and even his best friends house. He swears black and blue this is nothing to do with him!! Today decided to gut his bedroom as I am sick of him saying its done and it looks like a pig hole, which is when I found a fag end under his bed and a winning scratch card that was in my bag under his mattress!! I have confronted him about this and he again swears that it is nothing to do with him. He has been getting into trouble at school a lot more lately as well, I am at my wits end I don't know what to say or do any more!!
Any advice would be very grateful at this moment as I feel like I am going mental :mad:

Okay.

1# Never search a teenagers bedroom - you're still okay with him only being 12, but a bedroom is the only private space a kid has in the whole world.

2# Absolutely he's a liar. You'll have to really talk to him to find out why he is thieving, but he is thieving - and he probably does it to his friends and their parents. My guess is that he is on the verge of experimenting with drugs - if you notice easily saleable objects disappearing (MP3 players, cameras etc) then he is definitely getting into drugs.

I'm quite liberally inclined towards drug use (though I don't use drugs myself) , but it's not something that anyone under the age of 18-21 should mess with, so keep a close eye on him.

My brother started using cannabis and LSD around 13 years old and he went through the usual teenage angst and moodiness but it never really ended - that's the effect drugs had on him.

Make sure he knows that you care about him and give him praise where you can (whether you're 5 years old or 50 years old, everyone loves to be praised) but put your foot down hard. Every penny he takes from you, you get it back from him - make him work for it, sell his stuff, cancel his birthday; whatever it takes, there must be a consequence to his bad actions as well as some emotional reward for good behaviour. Don't be a push-over: people respect people that they fear, and they look down on people who they don't - it's human nature.

Thanks for that, it is really hard to take in that he has changed so much.
I wasn't searching his room though I was looking for an item of clothing that has gone missing and decided that whist I wasin there I would clean his room as I am sick of all the expensive things I bought him being chucked on the floor!! I do normally respect his right to have his own room, and he bought iton himself as I told him to clean his room and his answer was " why should i? you clean the girls room ! " so with that and other things is wy I was in there in the first place.
I'm so worried now about the drug aspect of things as his dad (who don't live with us) is a heroin user and has used a lot more than that as well!!
It makes me so angry when parents care and need help with controlling their kids they are told one of two things,
1, you're a bad parent, (which I have had happen wth my now 10 year old, 2 years later she was diagnosed with ODD)
2, we will put you on this waiting list to see this person , and in the meanwhile suffer basically .

Good luck Mazzy, I feel for you. Here's hoping he turns out okay.

So you searched his room--it's YOUR house. If he doesn't have any respect for you--or anyone else, he really doesn't deserve the 'trust' of giving him his freedom or his privacy.

I'd be on that kid like glue. If he wants freedoms and all the extras--he'd have to earn them.

I'd also make it a point to get in touch with his father--if this change came about after he spent time there--it would make sense that something that happened there helped create this major change in behavior. Chances are the father won't tell you much. But I'm guessing that if you talk to your son, he may give you some insight into what occurred that caused his attitude. Once you figure out what the problem is--it's much easier to come up with some sort of plan on how to deal with it.

Remember to let him know--you may not always 'like' him--but you'll love him forever. And make sure he knows that you're there for him--if he ever needs to talk--and that you will be honest with him. (And you have to be honest.)