Ask Me Help Desk - Separation after 10yrs of marriage.

Okay, let's put this into context first.

For the last 6-7 months I've been a nightmare to live with. Needy, smothering, reading her email, non-trusting and possesive. But, it's not me! About 7months ago I was diagnosed with depression, I'd had a lot on my plate and things just built up more and more. Then, my wife starts talking to an online friends more and more (she didn't want to be the sole point of all my happiness, obviously), when I saw this, I got insecure and started getting needy, asking her if they were having a fling, and generally being an idiot.

Now, it's been 2 weeks, since I was asked to give her space. I've had to leave my home, my children and my wife (best friend! ), and I'm overwhelmed by the sense of loss. I can appreciate that I was an idiot over the course of my depressive state, but it doesn't mean I love her any less.

I've never hit her or the children, we've always got on like a house on fire, and our friendship is referred to as one of the strongest in the world (by our friends), everyone I've told has been gobsmacked, thinking it would never happen to us. But it has. I know that I need to give her space, and stop all the lovey-dovey stuff, but it's hard. After spending half of my adult life (I'm 29) with this woman, it's impossible to let go.

She's told me that she just wants to be alone, that there is no one else (and I believe her). I've spoken to her a couple of times since (I call the kids every night, before bed), and she says she's happier now, because she's not feeling as though she's watched every minute of the day.

I know that space is what she needs, but it's hard to cling onto any hope at all, when she says these things. I know she's feeling them, and it's wonderful to see her happy and carefree again, but I want nothing more than to go home and be with her and my children.

Is there any hope? Is it passed the point of no return? If it is worth carrying on, when do I start to "date" her again, so she can see me as me, and not the monster I clearly was.

I love her dearly, always have and always will. But I don't think the feelings are mututal anymore. I've never felt so lost in my life. I'd had a hard childhood (abuse, etc), but that was nothing compared to what I am feeling now.

Help! :(

Sorry.

I see a slight glimmer of hope... if you get back to the guy you used to be...

You say this problem has been ongoing for about 6 months so give yourself that time or more to try and recover.
Agree on a separation of about 6 months and live separately and try to get back to being a strong happy person again. If she sees the change then perhaps she can fall in love all over again. If not well at least you will have found a new you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

sorry.

I see a slight glimmer of hope....if you get back to the guy you used to be...

you say this problem has been ongoing for about 6 months so give yourself that time or more to try and recover.
agree on a seperation of about 6 months and live seperately and try to get back to being a strong happy person again. If she sees the change then perhpas she can fall in love all over again. If not well at least you will have found a new you.

6 months! :( That scares me, really does. I don't know how it got this far, but it's terrible. She used to be my best friend, and now doesn't even want to know me. I go to see the kids at the weekend, and she goes out. We've not spoken about it at length at all. Is this a cooling period? I miss her, can I tell her this?

I start counselling tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to talk through the depression with someone new. Maybe even get some insight into why it started, what I can do to deal with it, and maybe get some help on getting my family back...

She said she wants space, and I'm giving her that, but she doesn't seem to be hurting as much as I am. I'm scared about whether we'll get back together or not. I'm devastated.

Thanks for the help.

It would be better for both of you to cool down first, and then you can have a good talk, don't tell her you miss her. Don't say anything yet, give her the space.

Wait until you have regained your strength again and you have become the man that you were when you first met, try and meet new people during this time and get new hobbies and interests.
The counselling will hopefully help. That's a good sign for her to see that you are getting help.

Above all try and keep positive.

She's DONE her hurting! She spent MONTHS hurting. She's finally getting to HEAL from what you've done to her! Of COURSE she seems happier!

You need to take care of YOU right now. You can't work on your marriage at all in the state that you're currently in. The best way to prove to her that you're still the man that she loved is to BE that man again.

Get into counseling. Take care of your depression--I've been there. It took medication and a year of counseling to realize how truly messed up I was.

I'm not saying that it will take a year for your wife to realize that things are better with you, but it will take time. She needs to know that you've really changed, that you really are trying to be a better person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

She's DONE her hurting! She spent MONTHS hurting. She's finally getting to HEAL from what you've done to her! Of COURSE she seems happier!

That's not exactly what I meant, but I can see your point. I'd even stated above that I'd been an idiot and a nightmare to live with. I actually feel terribly ashamed of how I must've treated people during this time. I'm working on me at the moment, and maybe she'll see me in a different light.

It's funny, but information gets filtered back to her anyway. I work with her mother (well, she works at the same place), and she's seeing and hearing things that I'm doing and the information goes back to HQ. It's kind of nice, because I don't have to worry about wanting to tell her what I'm doing to make me a better (newer? ) man, it just happens.

I love her and the boys, and will do anything to get her back. I admit that counselling came too late, if I'd have done it sooner, it maybe wouldn't have gotten this far. But her mother can see that I'm making strides to sort myself out.

It's all just a shock, 10yrs... That's a long time. Hard to feel loss.

Thanks folks, much help. I'm open to more ! :)

Quote:

Is there any hope? Is it passed the point of no return? If it is worth carrying on, when do I start to "date" her again, so she can see me as me, and not the monster I clearly was.

Where I feel your pain and anxiety, you have already said YOU have changed and have a problem your trying to deal with. DEAL with it and get healthy and then you can solve your other problems with a clear and healthy mind. As long as your trying I think she will wait, but if you do nothing you loose everything. All you need is to do what it takes to get healthy.